Ex opened up and I am considering another chance

[Ainteazy]

To preempt: I have some mental issues which are ongoing and which will probably always be a challenge for me. I got a lot better in the last few years but I still tend to make poor decisions.

I posted a while back about my ex having reached out to me and asking to come over and stay with me because he wasn't well, and I was worried about boundaries despite considering him a friend since our breakup.
The thing is that his visit has really thrown my head back into chaos which I had not expected and which makes no sense.

He didn't seem well and said that he had recently lost both his job and his relationship due to consistent inappropriate behavior, and that it was his own fault and that he had started seeking help but felt ashamed and like he couldn't talk to anyone but maybe me.

He confessed that he had consistently cheated in every relationship, and also on me several times during our relationship which stung, even though we broke up years ago. I broke up with him for entirely different reasons and I'm not sure why this still hurt to hear.
At the same time I felt like this was the first time that I had seen the real him, so I think he really has reached rock bottom and finally cracked.

I even understand why he reached out. He was with me through some of my worst MH challenges and he knows that I have experience with different therapy forms which he is now looking at. The problem is that I now feel an incredible connection again because I obviously still care for him and because he was undoubtedly the most caring partner I ever had. But I also know that this would probably a complete disaster in the long run.
Right now I really feel like giving him another chance because I was so happy to see him open up and trust someone for the first time.

I will probably get some harsh replies but please don't call me an idiot.

Op you are not annoying.

You sound potentially vulnerable and I think a man who cheats, lies and now claims to have vulnerabilities of his own which he wants your support with, could be detrimental to you.

You deserve love and care, but this guy needs to walk the walk and sort himself out before you even consider rekindling anything.

Kindly, he didn’t treat you well. He cheated multiple times. You’ve only just found out about it but it happened back then when you thought he was supporting you.

Don't do this. You will regret it.

That's why I did the thread.
I honestly think that he is the only reason I made it through my 20s and that I'm still here.

But you don’t owe this cheater your 30s or 40s or whatever you are. You can be grateful for that AND recognise that he is no good for you now.

Most decent people support others in a relationship. That's standard and expected not exceptional.
What isn't standard is to find out , after previously having no clue, that your ex cheated on you not once but several times plus that he has cheated in every relationship! You had no idea so he must be good at deception or you're very trusting?
Either way, how would you ever trust him now?
All that and it wasn't even the reason you split up? No one on here needs to know the reason why but consider why you split up and it most likely a good reason not to return.
Please don't OP its a recipe for disaster.

Sometimes people come into our lives for a season, and we can be incredibly close and grateful for their support but as seasons change so do we - and what served us well before may no longer be the right thing for the older, hopefully wiser, us.

Can I ask... Had you found out about his cheating back when you were very unwell and in a relationship, how could that have affected your story?
I would be cautious to frame him as a white knight.

Sounds like classic traumatic bonding. You don't owe him anything. I'm sorry you had no support but that is no reason to sacrifice whatever sliver of happiness and peace you've fought hard to get back.

I think I remember your thread OP. You said you absolutely did not expect these chaotic feelings, but that's not really true is it? You did open the previous thread because you were expecting problems, and here you are. But that just means that you're so much further along than he is, and that you have more to lose than gain.

I may be totally wrong, but it seems like you could be projecting your feelings about what you went through back then onto him. Given what you said about him, he may well be aware of that by pretending to be vulnerable when he's really not.

You say he has a new job lined up, it's entirely possible he visited you to have another relationship lined up, as well.

I would take anything he says with a grain of salt, including him saying that he's "seeking help". You could call his bluff and tell him you wish him well, as focusing on yourself has served you well personally. See what he says.

Your past is over and done with, you made it. Listen to your intuition warning you, it's probably what made you post here.

Please do not get back with him, just be his friend, someone in whom he can confide.

You have to consider your own well being and I don't think having him as a fella would do you any good at all.

Have you had other relationships? What have they been like?

He has cheated in every relationship and has obviously hit the bottom and now needs a meal ticket. You have a history of mental health issues. That doesnt mean you are cured, it just means you are doing a lot better now. Bringing someone like this back in to your life has the potential to collapse everything you have worked hard on improving. I always say they are an ex for a reason, in this instance I think thats hugely true even if you think you were the problem, a OH should've been there to support. Doubt is generally your gut feeling saying run. You're not an idiot but I think you are slightly vulnerable and unfortunately he knows this, you need to protect yourself and your wellbeing.

You can be pleased that he got in touch without dating him again. You don’t need to repay him for looking after you back when you were dating.

If he’s working on himself then it’s probably best that he’s not in a relationship as he will be able to focus on himself. The act of being in a relationsgop
could slow his progress as he’s using time and energy on a gf rather than reflection wnd examination of his actions.

If the pull is strong then consider stopping contact to protect yourself from this inevitable disaster.

Has he indicated he wants to restart a relationship @Ainteazy?
Maybe he was happy to be more honest with you because in his head there is no romantic connection anymore so he doesn’t have to try and show you a better version of himself.

He’s manipulating you. Look at it a different way and ask yourself why you want to be with someone because they’ve admitted to cheating on you. You’re seeing honestly as some laudable trait but he only was honest years after the fact…

You also cannot prop up an unwell person when you are not 100% healed.

It's nice that he was previously so supportive. But this was at the same time he was sleeping with other women I presume? A person is rarely 100% a villain, it's what makes life so tricky.
However a man fired for sexually inappropriate behaviour who has now 'confessed' to several sexual encounters when he was with you? No thanks. You are setting yourself up for the classic 'But I was honest with you!' when he gets caught again. 'This is just what Im like - why cant you support me?!'

I know that he is an excellent liar and performer as I have seen it before, but I don't think he was lying about therapy and what he said about it. He was genuinely upset and said that he regretted having betrayed me. I told him that it's ok but I'm not sure why I said it. It still hurt and I've been mulling it over since.
I think he is genuinely broken and I feel for him because I remember being at such a low point many times before.

I don't know how I can explain why I feel so drawn to him after this. I broke up with him because our relationship had cooled down and because he was too closed up to ever discuss anything that would involve him changing some things. And now he's finally opened up.

He didn't explicitly say that he wants us to get back together but he has hinted at it.
But the comments here have helped me, too. I slept badly because I have been thinking about some of them and about my conversation with him and I think that he needs to work through some of his issues first. Some of the things he had said were scary and I needed some time to think them over. That doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for him but I don't want to risk his progress by distracting him with comfort if this makes sense.

Seriously you need to stop talking to him completely. Tell him to do the work and come back a full year after he’s sorted himself out. I mean, for your sake I hope he never does. You sound like a good person; he is using that for his own comfort.

Traumatic bonding would explain the depth of those feelings. Only you know what constitutes the abuse part but iirc you said there was abuse in the past.

This is going to sound harsh, but you don't have to turn yourself into a martyr by valorizing your refusal to re-enter a relationship with him as "not risking his progress". What about your progress? You can "justify" not taking him back simply by looking after yourself. Notwithstanding the fact that he wants another relationship to fix how he feels is evidence there's not a lot of progress made, anyway, or he would not have asked for you to take him back.

Right now you're romanticizing the idea of him finally seeing the light and wanting to enlist you in this project. But you also don't trust him with your feelings or you would have told him it hurt to be told he cheated.

If you really thought this was the real him you would trust him with your feelings, but you don't. There's already a power imbalance where he can apparently unburden himself completely while you can't.

The PP is spot on, what if you'd found out about his cheating at your lowest point?

What matters most imo is that you don't have to decide right now, especially if you're not sleeping well and kind of overwhelmed. Maybe give it a week before replying to him, if he keeps pestering you that is an answer all by itself.

I was going to say exactly this!

Whats that saying about not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?

I'm not convinced by what he says. In your shoes I would be keeping in mind his past behaviour. "He's finally opened up" well I'm guessing he'll say what he thinks you want to hear in order to get his needs met (whatever they may be, money, a roof, a compliant woman to smooth his life).

Put your own wellbeing first, OP. He sounds like a "taker". 💐

You’re seeing him as a mirror to your wound and wanting to help him as you wish you were helped. Your brain is seeing it as a way of experiencing the help and care you wish you’d had. An almost re-do mirrored.

But he’s not you. And you don’t have to be in a relationship to help him. Put your life jacket on first.

He didn't abuse me. The BF who I met afterwards did, and ex did picked me up and put me up at his home after I had been physically assaulted because I didn't want my family to know.

Had I found out about the cheating when we were together and in my dark days I would have tried to kill myself.

A lot of what you are saying makes perfect sense, thank you so much

You're not an idiot, but you're vulnerable to him and he certainly sounds like he's in control of the situation and you're likely to get dragged where he takes you.

You don't need to be in a relationship with anyone where you have to defend their behaviour, because that means that they are behaving in ways that require defending.

Think about it this way,

he had recently lost both his job and his relationship due to consistent inappropriate behavior

He confessed that he had consistently cheated in every relationship, and also on me several times during our relationship

Yet the takeaway for you is that you're delighted that he's opened up to you. That's not healthy. This was hurtful for you to hear because it is HURTFUL.

Read the two sentences I've coped above a few times and think about if you had a daughter, would you want her pursuing a man with these behaviours?

Nobody is all good or all bad and of course he will have some redeeming features, but you need to be honest about what is going on here, and if you lie down with dogs you'll catch fleas. You know what you're walking into if you go back through that door, you're an adult, no referee is going to come on to the pitch and red card you to stop you. You have a choice to make. Choose yourself.

Getting back together will indeed be a very bad decision because:

1. His behaviour is inconsistent and inappropriate
2. he can’t straighten up and keep a job
3. he is an excellent liar…
4. …meaning he is an excellent manipulator
5. he has consistently cheated on everyone
6. he is broken
7. he has no integrity

He is not a good man.
He only reached out because he needs something from you. Shoulder to cry on, sex, support (financial as he has no job?), in-house therapist. Also, he knows you are vulberable and a soft touch.

He wasnt ‘the most caring partner’. I bet he was just as crap with you as in his other relationship.

This is trauma bond in the making.

For your own sake and for your mental health’s sake, do not have anything to do with him. You will end up worse.

Well done for having insight you tend to make bad decisions. This is one of them. Continue working on yourself and recognising what is bad for you and stepping away from those things.

Feel the unhealthy need to reconnect with this person, explore it, and then do what is right- step away and continue working on yourself.

He is only trying his luck with you because he knows that no one else will have him. Don't do it to yourself OP.

I'd be cautious because it sounds like he is really assessing your boundaries. His partner and work have thrown him out and he's landed on you, he's telling you he treated you badly and lied before, and testing if you will still be supportive of him anyway. That paves the ground for him to treat you badly again in the near future. Don't be like the frog in water that heats up so slowly it doesn't know it's been boiled until too late.