Anyone dealt with a husband with NO empathy during pregnancy?

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I’m pregnant and really struggling right now and my husband has almost no empathetic response to any of it. I tell him how tired I am and I just get silence. I tell him how nauseous I feel, silence. Today I told him I’m not feeling great and asked how I’m even going to cope over the next few months and he just said “you’ll manage I’m sure.”

He’s never really had much empathy even before I got pregnant but I think I just wasn’t in a vulnerable position before so it never really showed up like this. Now that I actually need him it’s impossible to ignore.

I’m not leaving him rn so please don’t suggest that. I know he’s not going to change this is just how he is. I’m just trying to figure out how to protect myself and cope better. it’s my second pregnancy so not a surprise, just wanting tips on how to deal with.

Therapy? Outsourcing housework? Has anyone been through something similar and found things that helped?

Well, on the basis you are staying and he isn’t going to change at least in the short term:

find someone else or a group of someone elses for emotional support and general bitching about pregnancy

outsource everything you can afford to - cleaning, childcare of child number one, etc

look after your own health as much as possible.

Well you can keep your husband for what he does offer (sex?money?companionship?) And have someone else on the side for emotional support (friend. Relative. Therapist)

He doesn’t sound very nice.
What you can do is if you feel tired, go to bed. Dont cook for him, pick up after him or do his laundry. If you say you can’t cope, but then carry on looking like you are coping, he’ll think he doesn’t have to get off his backside. Do the absolute minimum, and tell him what he needs to do for your DC.

I was sympathetic until I read it’s your 2nd child. Sorry but you know Whats hes like. Youll have to lean on friends / support network.

What do you want from your husband - a sympathetic response or to take care of a particular task?
I’d suggest telling him that as perhaps he’s not sure how to respond.
You’ll need to get used to telling him clearly what you want him to do because he is not a mind reader and you will no doubt need him to do a lot of things which he won’t automatically put up his hand to do once you have a baby / young child.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy it!

Are you venting or do you expect him to do something?

Gosh I’m sorry OP. What’s he like re practical support? If he’s lacking with comforting words, does he step up if you specifically tell him what you need / what you need help with?

Eg with the tiredness example. If you added after saying you’re so tired “it would really help me if you fixed dinner tonight” or “it would really help me if you put through that laundry load”, would he do it?

Some of my friends for different reasons have had couples therapy and it’s been transformative. Jungian therapists are good as they kind of do individual therapy whilst couples therapy so it is not all focused on generic communication

I'm sorry but I feel like I need to prepare you for the worst.

Some men don't regard women as human beings, not in the way they regard themselves as one. They see us more as a useful helper and a nice additive to their lives at best, or the equivalent of household white goods, at worst.

Your job, whether you realise it or not, is to make his life easier, more comfortable, more interesting, and provide sex. It's to soothe him when he's down, stressed, or feeling ill.

It is not to place demands on him like you are now - you are meant to be a self-sufficient unit. That's where the "you’ll manage I’m sure" comment comes from.

I don't think I could be with someone like this OP. That is not love. There's no care or nurturing in his response. That is using someone when it's convenient like they're an object.

@Minasama If you have to spoon feed an adult man on how to respond to someone in a humane way, that is a massive red flag already. That is not OPs job to teach something that basic in any relationship.

Men mostly know when they're treating a partner poorly, but they do it anyway. I have a feeling he will turn out to be one of those men who pretend to be incompetent around children as well, so he can abdicate his responsibilities there too.

Jesus the bar is low.

@Octavia64rather than outsourcing childcare I thought outsourcing most household duties would be better? But I’ve never had multiple kids so maybe those with experience can tell me what might work best?

luckily we can afford to. There’s one positive

I think a therapist. As I think it’s awkward when those in your circle know these things, it can change relationship dynamics which isn’t ideal

@Minasamai do tell him now explicitly but how he behaves when I need help with something makes me not want to ask.

He often initially says no, or pauses with silence. I brought this up with him and his response was but I did the things in the end so it’s a non issue

I suggested that because I had bloody knackering pregnancies and used to sleep a lot in the day aswell as at night.

but frankly as long as you outsource stuff what you outsource is up to you.

@SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite I was ill recently with the pregnancy as I’ve had other complications with it and I really couldn’t get out of bed. I asked him to do several tasks. He did do them but reluctantly pause his initially says no and then says yes okay turns out he was having a really stressful week at work and was also apparently knackered. Funny how he’s ill illness is often coincide with mine. But anyway, I brought this up with him and told him it makes me not want to ask him for help but his response was he did the things I asked in the end so what am I complaining about?

I do see where you’re coming from. I often notice that when I’m not a self sufficient unit and not independent that’s when problems often arise. We have done couples counselling it didn’t work we picked the wrong counsellor. She was too soft and let him get away with murder in the sessions so I’m reluctant to try this. I have started doing my own reading and therapy self Help books podcast et cetera and coping mechanisms on how to bring up issues without conflict and to be honest the last few things I’ve been unhappy with and brought up and discussed we have had a positive outcome. He’s understood why upset me and hurt me and we have found a way to move forward from it. However, the lack of empathy isn’t something I’ve been able to successfully address yet but I also know that it is his personality, so I feel that I have to just grieve a quality that I’ll never have.

He actually is very good with her current child. He probably does approximately 40% of the childcare and he does also help around the house. Does all the cooking so again that’s one of the positives here surprisingly.

My husband didn’t show much empathy during pregnancy, he even booked a work trip on the week before the due date. When I was giving birth he told me off as I was not doing things right, then as soon as DS was born he fecked off home to have a rest as one of the nurses told him he look exhausted. He didn’t show back at the hospital until 16 hours later as he was enjoying the feeling of being a father so spent all day out and just showed up 5 minutes before the end of visit time.

Sadly, I must warn you, that was just a preview of what was to come. I won’t say LTB, but start putting yourself and your child first… all the bloody time… because he won’t… ever.

The postnatal period is very, very hard. Make sure you get support in place now.

And you can always change your mind about your current I am not leaving him stance. The only person who benefits from you staying with him is he and he alone. A lack of empathy is a personality defect and you will not be able to fix that. Narcissistic people have no empathy for others and you are there in his eyes to make him look good.

If counselling is to be considered go on your own. I was not at all surprised to read that joint counselling was a non starter.

Your children will have to deal with this their whole lives, as small children, as teenagers, as adults - how do you feel about that?

Honestly? They have me thankfully so they will hopefully be fine

Sorry what do you mean 'he is very good with her current child'? That's as if you're writing from his point of view and that your current child isn't actually his.

I have started doing my own reading and therapy self Help books podcast et cetera and coping mechanisms on how to bring up issues without conflict and to be honest the last few things I’ve been unhappy with and brought up and discussed we have had a positive outcome

Why are you reading self help therapy books?? So much work when it's his issue!

You're saying you're looking at how to being up issues without conflict, but that's coming across as tip-toeing here. I'm afraid that if two people disagree on something, or one person is holding another to account (and the other person has no intention to change their ways), there's likely going to be conflict. You can't therapise out of that.

Therapy can't fix an ingrained shitty personality either.

Why are you having another child if he is like this? That's on you.

Okay. I have a parent like this, and have friends with parents like this, and well... yeah, its caused a wide variety of problems. I put up with a lot of shit from partners because I was taught that 'some people just arent good at emotions/empathy'.

Children learn from both parents. You can’t hide this from them.