Anyone dealt with a husband with NO empathy during pregnancy?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m pregnant and really struggling right now and my husband has almost no empathetic response to any of it. I tell him how tired I am and I just get silence. I tell him how nauseous I feel, silence. Today I told him I’m not feeling great and asked how I’m even going to cope over the next few months and he just said “you’ll manage I’m sure.”

He’s never really had much empathy even before I got pregnant but I think I just wasn’t in a vulnerable position before so it never really showed up like this. Now that I actually need him it’s impossible to ignore.

I’m not leaving him rn so please don’t suggest that. I know he’s not going to change this is just how he is. I’m just trying to figure out how to protect myself and cope better. it’s my second pregnancy so not a surprise, just wanting tips on how to deal with.

Therapy? Outsourcing housework? Has anyone been through something similar and found things that helped?

Yes. I am (happily) divorced now.

Same as @findingjoy22

DH was as much use as a chocolate teapot when our kids were little, he did get better as they got older. He was just like a rabbit in the headlights when they were babies/toddlers and he couldn't cope with the mess/noise/chaos.

If I had the time back again, I'd have a cleaner and a mother's help for the first 6 weeks at least. There's nothing worse than the sleep deprivation in the post partum recovery period, and if you can deal with that, then you stand a fighting chance of not killing him in sheer frustration.

Yes. He was abusive. Went on to be abusive to the kids. Took us 9 years after leaving to be free of him.

I had this. Turns out he was an arsehole and had no empathy full stop. Make him an ex like I did.

This. Jeez.

It isn’t fair on children to give them a father like this. Even if you do your utmost, you can’t change it. For whatever reason you don’t want to leave, im assuming because you think by staying you can best protect them from him. You’ve already got two children and you will have your work cut out keeping them on an even keel with a father like this. So, my advice is going forward, cast iron protection, secretly if need be.

Please bear in mind we don’t know if the op had any choice in this.

What do you mean? OP didn't suggest that her husband was coercive, just unhelpful. Obviously, if he somehow forced her to become pregnant, that is a whole other conversation. I highly doubt it, though.

Sounds like my ex who wasn’t sympathetic when I had bad period pains: “all other women just get on with it” he said.

He didnt respond to your son crying and in pain? What am I reading here.

Stop looking for ways to make it work ?

So you are stuck in a situation with this man that you don't want to leave. The best thing to do is have a housekeeper (who can cook if needed) every morning, send everything to the laundry, get groceries delivered, a gardener, plus a person you can ring for odd jobs. It won't help with empathy, but more time to meet friends and family, go out to aquafit, whatever you can manage.

What do you like about him?

the lack of empathy sickens me. My son slipped over on wet floor on his back and was crying and he carried on mopping. I said pick him up and his response was he’s fallen now and will soon learn

That is just cruel.
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But surely as this is your second pregnancy why did you expect him to be any different?

Being so unsupportive at a time of vulnerability during pregnancy and during the post natal period and to a small child, is a clear indication of who he really is.
I mean, you know who he really is.
You really need to protect your children from him. His cruelty will have a lasting impact on them for the rest of their lives.
You can’t improve your communication skills enough, or do anything enough, to change him. You can’t improve only prevent further harm.

My husband wasn’t great. Thankfully I was really well and didn’t struggle, but if I had he wouldn’t have been much help I don’t think..

Post partum he started well but couldn’t understand why I wasn’t up and about running around as usual within a few days. I can remember going for a little walk while he was on Pat leave which turned into something a bit longer than I should have done really and he couldn’t understand that physically it was a bit much for me to walk at my normal pace still with goodness knows how many stitches holding my perineum together.

I don’t think it was nastiness on his part, he just genuinely had never seen me (or anyone else for that matter) recovering from such a physical event. He’s never had any medical issues and neither have I and he just didn’t “get it”.

He’s not empathetic ever really so no shock. There was absolutely no looking after me like I’ve seen other partners do when their other half is pregnant/just given birth.