Anyone dealt with a husband with NO empathy during pregnancy?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m pregnant and really struggling right now and my husband has almost no empathetic response to any of it. I tell him how tired I am and I just get silence. I tell him how nauseous I feel, silence. Today I told him I’m not feeling great and asked how I’m even going to cope over the next few months and he just said “you’ll manage I’m sure.”

He’s never really had much empathy even before I got pregnant but I think I just wasn’t in a vulnerable position before so it never really showed up like this. Now that I actually need him it’s impossible to ignore.

I’m not leaving him rn so please don’t suggest that. I know he’s not going to change this is just how he is. I’m just trying to figure out how to protect myself and cope better. it’s my second pregnancy so not a surprise, just wanting tips on how to deal with.

Therapy? Outsourcing housework? Has anyone been through something similar and found things that helped?

Sounds like he’s a narc who twists things to his agenda… imagine being hesitant to help your wife who is sick due to being pregnant with your child. Disgusting.

@Sunbringerhe defo has some narc traits but I’ve taken quizzes and often it comes out somewhere in the middle. He definitely has neurodiversity traits

I’d also be reading about weaponised incompetence on his part.

You have a choice re him and your children do not. Don’t stay with him for the sake of the kids because that does not benefit them.

yes my third pregnancy finally broke us. I had forgotten how awful he was with my first two pregnancies, had a massive gap and after having the 3rd baby (HE was desperate for) it all came flooding back. My baby is now 1 and I’m living alone with my three children.

i can’t believe I forgot quite how awful he was while I was pregnancy. But I am so happy I have my gorgeous 3 children.

i still don’t understand it.

In a similar sort of boat, I ended up with perinatal depression. Talk to your midwife - mine swiftly got me in front of a specialist colleague and that helped. I felt incredibly lucky that as soon as DC was born it went no further.

I could be reading my own life story here. When I had morning sickness he found some article on the internet that said men could have morning sickness too and decided he was ill on that basis. I should have left then but stayed for another ten years.

i did a lot of the things you are doing OP, like learning how to communicate better, how to resolve conflict etc, but eventually I realised I was not the problem. I justified so many of his abusive traits as neurodiversity but it was a therapist who said to me you can be autistic and horrible and I don’t know if he’s autistic but he’s definitely horrible.

He’s not going to change OP, he will probably get worse. I am ten times happier since I left him.

My father doesn’t have a dribble of empathy. It was not fine. Your mother cannot be there all of the time to make up for him and his behaviour.

In the event that my husband is a bit of a twat but overall a good person who I definitely don't intend to leave I just have a good long chat with friends whos husbands are also twats.

I think you need to line up support for when baby arrives though. Its much harder to manage two than one when one is a newborn. It gets easier when they get older, but the first bit of 1-2 and 2-3 is HARD.

Outsource every domestic task that you can. You are lucky you can do this. Rest a lot and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Yep. I divorced him after 2 dc. He has no empathy for them either if they are ill and in general. He’s a nurse ffs.

I can’t believe you’re choosing to have a second child with this person. Your poor kids.

He's training you. He's working out how little you will accept. He's learning so that he can improve the regime slowly so you dont really notice. Been there op. You might not leave but hes already left whatever agreement you thought you were in.

Empathy is the core of kindness.

I think the question here is why do you insist you want to stay with a man who is unkind and why you were attracted to him in the first place?

Sadly too many of us accept unacceptable behaviour from men for various reasons but you only get one life and I hope that ten or twenty years on you don’t realise you have wasted so much of yours on someone who makes you unhappy.

Not to mention the example of a relationship to your children.

It took me years to figure out that my DH has no empathy. No shame or remorse either. He was always very affectionate and told me he loved me. We had a (what I thought) was a really strong relationship. Kids came along and it was like I was married to different person. I had no confidence in myself. I wish I had left him. I regret it every day.

Impossible for him to feel empathy or be kind because it's all a big transaction. He plays the part of a loving parent/husband well but he's always waiting for the return. He can't be genuinely generous, he'll never understand the joy of generosity or kindness. He is dutiful and he knows there are times when he has to pretend (birthday/mothers day) but he's only doing it to make sure he gets the same treatment and he's a sulker when he thinks things aren't fully even.

People like that can never change. They're not capable of self reflection.

@notaurewhatusername if he's like this now when you're pregnant and vulnerable. Well that says it all.

funny my DH has zero empathy, like none (unless it comes to his animals and also in other bizarre situations). but he does have shame and gets embarrassed over strange things that most people wouldn’t think are even remotely embarrassing.

Honestly I just think perhaps his emotional Iq is so low he cannot interpret situations correctly

What if anything do you know about his childhood?. How does he get along with his parents?. That often gives clues.

And why are you doing so much work when this is his issue in the first place?. Did you yourself grow up with a parent like your now husband?.

Does he feel shame at not helping you when you really need it OP?

Nope. He genuinely states he thinks people should just push through. He will go gym when he has the flu just to prove a point.

so when he’s ill I don’t help him with anything out of principle and tell him to continue as normal which kills me. I feel bad for him, but it’s a reaction to how he treats me.

he claims to be so logical but can’t see how illogical it is that just because an illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to walk on it would you?

Find someone else to be your emotional support, your mum or sister or best friend

I know there’s no PDA with his parents, and the relationship seems very oppressive (husband controls most things despite not being main breadwinner).

also, keep your emotions locked in and don’t say anything if haven’t anything nice to say is a common theme. Also no support while you are sick seems to have been taught.

the lack of empathy sickens me. My son slipped over on wet floor on his back and was crying and he carried on mopping. I said pick him up and his response was he’s fallen now and will soon learn.

I had therapy today which helped

I am unable to disagree with anything that you have said there @EarthSight

Why did you choose to have another child with him? What good points does he have? And i mean good, not basic expectations you should have of any adult like 'works, cleans, isnt cruel to animals' etc

He's starting to sound sociopathic to me, or at least personality disordered.
This leopard won't change its spots and this leopard is also highly likely to eat your face.