Made a comment about my partner's physical appearance

[BeChirpyCoralOtter]

So basically, my partner and I were having a conversation about how we're working out and trying to lose weight. He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit.

So he said, "Oh, we have different opinions, and we should, you know, look for something else since we want different things," and all that. I was hurt by that because of the way he was putting it out there.

Then I told him that I never liked him based on his physical appearance. Even when we started talking, I never actually saw him because we met online. I liked him as a person, and then later on, things happened between us. I told him that if I had met him at that time and judged him purely based on his physical appearance, I probably wouldn't have liked him because he was fat—not even bulky. He wasn't fit.

I apologized for not framing it correctly and for hurting him, but I honestly just don't know what else to say.

He himself said, "Oh, I know. I've told you this before. I know you probably would have never liked me like that because I've seen your taste in men but you saying this and after so long has just hurt me so deeply," and all that.

But hearing him say that, especially in this context and after we've been together for so long, has really hurt me very deeply and also I know it has hurt him as well maybe made him insecure but I don't know what to say or do so I really need advice.

Also before you say anything about fat shaming or anything of that sorts I feel everyone has their own opinions, preferences and choices so I won't shame anyone else for having theirs and neither would I do that to myself.

I’m baffled as to why you would say that to him.

A “that sounds great but don’t become extreme about it” would have sufficed. The additional “you were fat when I first met you and in ordinary circumstances I would never have found you attractive” (paraphrasing) is what actually hurt his feelings. Understandably.

Is his name goldilocks

he can’t be too fat or too thin but has to be just right for you.

I’m not sure how you expect him to get over your comments, hopefully he isn’t forever insecure about his looks now

I think the moral of this story is, never comment on someone's weight.

@BeChirpyCoralOtter if you were my partner you'd be dumped already,
Something isn't right with the relationship you have.

FFS Moderate. Either you know why and are seeking an argument to get attention, which is such boring male behaviour.

Or you really don't know why because you weren't taught empathy and that it's not ok to talk to your partner- who is already insecure about his attractiveness to OP - like you're at the Build A Boyfriend workshop. It's dehumanising.

Gonna be honest if DH said all of that to me I’m not sure I’d want him to touch me ever again. If DH told me he would never have been attracted to me before because I was fat I’d feel a bit hurt, even if it’s true you don’t need to say it.

OP you literally just objectified him quite blatantly, I’m not surprised he’s upset.

Thank you!

Speaking of boring, it was utterly predictable that you would try to use my sex as an excuse for your failure to answer the question.

I don’t think you can come back from this really.

I don’t blame him one bit for saying that as you did not find him attractive before and you won’t find him attractive in the future, then you should “look for something else”. It seems quite sensible to want to have a relationship with someone who is attracted to you and who doesn’t tell you they didn’t fancy you when you met them and you won’t fancy them in the future.

Really, it’s a good thing that he’s realised that you will never be happy with him.

OP that was such a hurtful thing to say.

I agree his comment about how you should look for different things was passive aggressive. He was reacting badly to your initial (also insensitive) comments about not liking skinny guys and your preferred body type. He's not a playdoh man to be moulded into the shape you like best. You should be supporting him in the goal of losing weight and getting healthier, not trying to pressure him into becoming a particular body shape.

it sounds like you both have issues with how you communicate. These petty swipes and hurtful digs are harmful and unnecessary.

I think you should approach him with an apology, both for the initial comment where you focused on your aesthetic preferences rather than on supporting his goals, and for the unkind dig about not finding him attractive. Don't make excuses, just tell him you know they weren't kind comments and you're sorry for making them.

If you have an ongoing pattern of this kind of poor communication, consider whether couples therapy could help you find a better dynamic.

I think he has much more reason to be hurt than you do. You've insulted how he was when you met and you've criticised his goal body style and told him you won't fancy him. I can't blame him for suggesting you aren't compatible and should look elsewhere.

Is this a reverse? Must be.
So you tell a guy
“don’t get too skinny I don’t like skinny guys”
”If I’d seen you before I got to know you I wouldn’t have liked you as you were overweight”

Can you imagine if the sexes were reversed?? Man would be told that is being a knob to his girlfriend and saying hurtful things and making it all about him.

You are being a knob, saying hurtful things and making it all about you. Good luck. He should LTB.

She was trying to say she likes him for who he and particularly likes his physical appearance now, but was a bit clumsy about it. He was being a bit sensitive, but then she is too about the leaving bit.
Apologise for being a bit insensitive and tell him you love him in all shapes and sizes and move on op.

You sound like an insensitive jerk. On a practical level he's right. If you dont like it, you know what you can do about it.

It was negging him.

No she wasn’t. She was being like those men you read about on MAFSAU. Next you will be saying that their relationship has broken down because he wasn’t doing the work to get over her mistake.

So he lost weight and assumed his wife would lose weight and become skinny like he wanted now he was fitter and when she says she doesn’t want to be skinny she just wants to be fit, he is disappointed and says oh we should look for different things and she’s in the wrong?
So what is everyone thinking then? If he has lost weight and becomes fit then he deserves a skinny girl and if op doesn’t want to become skinny he’s right to find someone who will?
And how dare she be hurt by this, even though she’s loved him for who he was all this time and was merely pointing that out after his comment about throwing her away if she doesn’t want to be skinny.

Yes , you’re right, OP came in with the comments first .
Apologies.

I don’t know, but was she just trying to say she isn’t into skinny , because he isn’t skinny & this is what he is trying to achieve .
There was no need of adding in the bulky bit alright .
I genuinely think she isn’t a mean person though , & things were blurted out & came out wrong.

Kinda disagree here a little .
Whilst of course it’s ok to have preferences & each person wants what they want , in OPS story here she is with her partner & he had a certain body frame from when they first met , to him it reads now , “ Well this is what I like “ , as though she never found him attractive.
Obviously feelings will be hurt here & that’s not ok .

This is a wild misrepresentation of how OP told the story. She doesn't report him commenting on her weight or appearance at all. He only talked about his plans for his own weight. OP then used that as an opportunity to tell him that she wouldn't find him attractive if he lost weight, and that in fact she has never found him attractive anyway.

I really think you must have completely misunderstood the initial post, go back and read it again.

Are you on the wrong thread?

Well this is mixed up isn’t it? On the one hand you told him you didn’t start the relationship because you were attracted to him, rather it was down to his personality. On the other hand you’re telling him not to get skinny because you don’t like skinny men. Is the relationship based on attraction or not?! It’s also out of order to attempt to dictate how your partner’s body looks.

I fail to see the issue with what you told him. That is the truth, presumably he lost weight, well done to him. Are you meant to pretend you would have been attracted to him if he was fat when you met, i dont think so.

I think he might be insecure about his appearance and hence the remark stung and hence he replied with something hurtful to you (‘we should look for something else’).

I do think though, you should have shon support for whatever health/fitness plan he has for himself at the moment. He might get skinny for a little while, he might not, let him be in charge of that without negative comments.

Apart from this, it seems a bit of a non-issue. Can you agree that things were said that hit the nerve (on both sides), reassure that you love each other and move past this?

YABVU imagine if he said something about your body? Of course his allowed to be upset anybody would be

Were you pissed off he didn’t automatically want to be exactly what you found attractive? He said you should find someone you prefer instead and it got your back up? Like he should be grateful you gave him a second look. He humbled you and it pissed you off and you lashed out. Maybe take it as a lesson learned that you’re not always the prize!