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Original poster

Made a comment about my partner's physical appearance

83 replies

BeChirpyCoralOtter · 06/09/2026 15:04

So basically, my partner and I were having a conversation about how we're working out and trying to lose weight. He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit.

So he said, "Oh, we have different opinions, and we should, you know, look for something else since we want different things," and all that. I was hurt by that because of the way he was putting it out there.

Then I told him that I never liked him based on his physical appearance. Even when we started talking, I never actually saw him because we met online. I liked him as a person, and then later on, things happened between us. I told him that if I had met him at that time and judged him purely based on his physical appearance, I probably wouldn't have liked him because he was fat—not even bulky. He wasn't fit.

I apologized for not framing it correctly and for hurting him, but I honestly just don't know what else to say.

He himself said, "Oh, I know. I've told you this before. I know you probably would have never liked me like that because I've seen your taste in men but you saying this and after so long has just hurt me so deeply," and all that.

But hearing him say that, especially in this context and after we've been together for so long, has really hurt me very deeply and also I know it has hurt him as well maybe made him insecure but I don't know what to say or do so I really need advice.

Also before you say anything about fat shaming or anything of that sorts I feel everyone has their own opinions, preferences and choices so I won't shame anyone else for having theirs and neither would I do that to myself.

OP posts:
moderate · 06/09/2026 16:24

Meanwhile over in the “Should I end our engagement over his refusal to manage his health?” the advice is almost 100% LTB.

I suggest everyone posting here heads over there and expresses their horror at the fatphobia.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/09/2026 16:26

Stop playing the victim and apologise sincerely fro your cruel and nasty comments.

Boomer55 · 06/09/2026 16:41

BeChirpyCoralOtter · 06/09/2026 15:04

So basically, my partner and I were having a conversation about how we're working out and trying to lose weight. He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit.

So he said, "Oh, we have different opinions, and we should, you know, look for something else since we want different things," and all that. I was hurt by that because of the way he was putting it out there.

Then I told him that I never liked him based on his physical appearance. Even when we started talking, I never actually saw him because we met online. I liked him as a person, and then later on, things happened between us. I told him that if I had met him at that time and judged him purely based on his physical appearance, I probably wouldn't have liked him because he was fat—not even bulky. He wasn't fit.

I apologized for not framing it correctly and for hurting him, but I honestly just don't know what else to say.

He himself said, "Oh, I know. I've told you this before. I know you probably would have never liked me like that because I've seen your taste in men but you saying this and after so long has just hurt me so deeply," and all that.

But hearing him say that, especially in this context and after we've been together for so long, has really hurt me very deeply and also I know it has hurt him as well maybe made him insecure but I don't know what to say or do so I really need advice.

Also before you say anything about fat shaming or anything of that sorts I feel everyone has their own opinions, preferences and choices so I won't shame anyone else for having theirs and neither would I do that to myself.

Oof. You’ve insulted him. And undermined him. He probably needs to find a woman who appreciates him.

How would you have felt if this situation was reversed? 🙄

RanniTheWitch · 06/09/2026 16:54

If someone tells you they are going to change their appearance in any way, it is unkind to tell them that you don’t find the look they’re going for attractive.

SlugJam · 06/09/2026 16:56

Another one struggling to see what he said that could have hurt you deeply?

PensionPTake · 06/09/2026 17:04

So what I'm getting from this is:

you told him you didn't like him fat, dont want him to be skinny either, then stated a very specific reference on how you want him to look

he was offended and annoyed

your idea of fixing that was to point out you would never have got with him if you'd seen he was fat before you got to know his personality

and you're hurt because he quite rightly has the idea you're a bit of an idiot and he should find someone who's less judgy about his looks.

if this was a man saying this too a woman she would quite rightly be told to ltb

BillieWiper · 06/09/2026 17:05

Him leaping to seemingly saying you should split up or start sleeping with other people because you mentioned not really fancying skinny guys...seems a bit much. So I guess you said what you did in retaliation?
Either way you should probably both apologise to eachother.

justcallmemarywhitehouse · 06/09/2026 17:06

Why would you even say things like this ? It's hurtful and there's nothing to be gained from it.

blondeboobshell · 06/09/2026 17:10

When i met dh he was solid but not fat or particularly muscular. To me that’s the best he’s ever looked. He gained a lot of weight and I did have a conversation with him ( not immediately but after several years weight gain due to excessive eating, drinking and zero exercise) I was still attracted to him but was concerned about his health. Full credit to him he lost the weight and is now lean and muscular, i don’t like it as he’s so skinny ( skinnier than me) but I would never say anything as it’s his body his choice.

JLou08 · 06/09/2026 17:27

People can have preferences. Telling your spouse they don't meet that preference and won't meet it when they reach their goal either is cruel. Some things are just better left unsaid. I don't know how you come back from it, I'm not sure I'd get it out of my head if a partner said that to me.

TFImBackIn · 06/09/2026 17:35

You've absolutely every right to feel hurt! How dare he say you should reconsider things after what you've said to him? Men should take any amount of criticism from their partners, shouldn't they?

Is this what you think, OP?

Missj25 · 08/09/2026 18:30

OP , wrong place for advice 🙈.

What I picked up from your post is the same as what Moderate picked up .
Look it all came out arse ways to him , so I can understand why he is upset too .
All you can do is reiterate to him what you meant by what you said .
He also said he thinks you guys should look elsewhere for a partner , & that was ever before you went on to say what you said .
That was a shitty thing to say , as though you will only be together based on physical appearance.
I’m sure he didn’t mean that to sound the way it did either .

I hope you sort it out, & ignore all the posters who have gone to town on you here .

AppleAndBannans · 08/09/2026 18:40

BeChirpyCoralOtter · 06/09/2026 15:04

So basically, my partner and I were having a conversation about how we're working out and trying to lose weight. He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit.

So he said, "Oh, we have different opinions, and we should, you know, look for something else since we want different things," and all that. I was hurt by that because of the way he was putting it out there.

Then I told him that I never liked him based on his physical appearance. Even when we started talking, I never actually saw him because we met online. I liked him as a person, and then later on, things happened between us. I told him that if I had met him at that time and judged him purely based on his physical appearance, I probably wouldn't have liked him because he was fat—not even bulky. He wasn't fit.

I apologized for not framing it correctly and for hurting him, but I honestly just don't know what else to say.

He himself said, "Oh, I know. I've told you this before. I know you probably would have never liked me like that because I've seen your taste in men but you saying this and after so long has just hurt me so deeply," and all that.

But hearing him say that, especially in this context and after we've been together for so long, has really hurt me very deeply and also I know it has hurt him as well maybe made him insecure but I don't know what to say or do so I really need advice.

Also before you say anything about fat shaming or anything of that sorts I feel everyone has their own opinions, preferences and choices so I won't shame anyone else for having theirs and neither would I do that to myself.

if I was your partner I probably dump you over this - sorry

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/09/2026 18:53

So you've pretty much stated that he's lucky you're giving him the time of day and should be grateful enough that he keeps his body at exactly the way you want it? And when he's said words to the effect of if you're that shallow, you can sod off and find this perfect body and I'll find somebody else, you've copped a strop?

foursquares · 08/09/2026 20:01

ShotDowninFlames · 06/09/2026 15:17

I’m really struggling to see how your takeaway from this exchange is that he’s really hurt you deeply! I’m not sure what he’s said that’s wrong other than reacting to your comments

So have said to him
-you don’t want him to lose weight and become skinny as you don’t like lean men
-you never liked his physical appearance
-that when you first met him you wouldn’t have wanted to be with him as he was too fat
-he acknowledge that he recognised this was the case for you

And you are ‘deeply hurt’ by his comments?

😂

pearlsclutchedhard · 08/09/2026 21:03

you were clumsy with your words, I can see why he’s hurt, BUT are you physically attracted to him at all?

Tardigrade001 · 08/09/2026 22:12

Sounds like he is deliberately looking for reasons to be offended.

Mikki77 · 08/09/2026 22:25

I would break up with you. What you said was very mean - and that's what he gas responded too.

Booboobagins · 08/09/2026 22:50

Your hurt is due to guilt. He hasnt hurt you, you hurt both of you.

Get a grip. Go apologise properly to him. Hopefully he'll forgive you.

Laura95167 · 08/09/2026 22:50

I think youre being a bit of a dick

He mentions a fitness goal and you tell him dont have that goal i wont fancy you. Then explain it with a story about how if youd met IRL not online again you wouldnt have fancied him... youve had years together and you insulted his appearance explaining why youd prefer him physically with bulky muscles that hes never had.

And to top it all off when he says, very reasonably his feelings are hurt your response is youre "deeply hurt" that hes upset you said nasty things?!? Why is it all about you? Your preferences? Your type? Your feelings? You were nasty, if you got told you were nasty and feel bad. Good.

Maybe start by saying sorry i was an insensitive dick?

If hed said to you - i never fancied fat/chubby/thick girls i dont want you bulking at the gym I want you slimming.. youd be understandably horrified and hurt. You dont get a free pass because youre the girl. Say sorry

Minasama · 08/09/2026 22:54

Goodness, these are things you don’t say to people as they are very hurtful. Telling your partner you don’t find them
attractive isn’t ok.

As our mothers used to say “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

A relationship where you find yourself wanting to say something nasty to someone in revenge because they upset you is not a functional relationship.

Minasama · 08/09/2026 22:56

ShotDowninFlames · 06/09/2026 15:17

I’m really struggling to see how your takeaway from this exchange is that he’s really hurt you deeply! I’m not sure what he’s said that’s wrong other than reacting to your comments

So have said to him
-you don’t want him to lose weight and become skinny as you don’t like lean men
-you never liked his physical appearance
-that when you first met him you wouldn’t have wanted to be with him as he was too fat
-he acknowledge that he recognised this was the case for you

And you are ‘deeply hurt’ by his comments?

Exactly. This person seems to lack the ability to see how her comments might come across.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/09/2026 22:56

Missj25 · 08/09/2026 18:30

OP , wrong place for advice 🙈.

What I picked up from your post is the same as what Moderate picked up .
Look it all came out arse ways to him , so I can understand why he is upset too .
All you can do is reiterate to him what you meant by what you said .
He also said he thinks you guys should look elsewhere for a partner , & that was ever before you went on to say what you said .
That was a shitty thing to say , as though you will only be together based on physical appearance.
I’m sure he didn’t mean that to sound the way it did either .

I hope you sort it out, & ignore all the posters who have gone to town on you here .

"He also said he thinks you guys should look elsewhere for a partner , & that was ever before you went on to say what you said ."

It seems that what triggered his comment (ie they should look for other partners) was this:

"He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit."

It's offensive to tell your partner what you want them to look like, especially if you know they feel insecure about their body.

He was definitely in the wrong to immediately threaten their relationship though. That's a nuclear response.

moderate · 09/09/2026 00:36

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/09/2026 22:56

"He also said he thinks you guys should look elsewhere for a partner , & that was ever before you went on to say what you said ."

It seems that what triggered his comment (ie they should look for other partners) was this:

"He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit."

It's offensive to tell your partner what you want them to look like, especially if you know they feel insecure about their body.

He was definitely in the wrong to immediately threaten their relationship though. That's a nuclear response.

Show quote history

It's offensive to tell your partner what you want them to look like, especially if you know they feel insecure about their body.

Why?

You’re allowed to want what you want, and your partner is allowed not to want the same thing.

If it’s affection, sex, spending, cleanliness, social life, ambition, religion, where to live, marriage, or children, it’s fine to make your preferences known — but somehow chosen weight is uniquely offensive?

Gwenna · 09/09/2026 00:51

BeChirpyCoralOtter · 06/09/2026 15:04

So basically, my partner and I were having a conversation about how we're working out and trying to lose weight. He said that since he wants to look lean and have lean muscle mass, and then later on gain weight, I told him that I don't like skinny guys if that's his goal. I also don't want to be skinny myself, since I like guys who are bulky, and I want to be more thick—not fat, but fit.

So he said, "Oh, we have different opinions, and we should, you know, look for something else since we want different things," and all that. I was hurt by that because of the way he was putting it out there.

Then I told him that I never liked him based on his physical appearance. Even when we started talking, I never actually saw him because we met online. I liked him as a person, and then later on, things happened between us. I told him that if I had met him at that time and judged him purely based on his physical appearance, I probably wouldn't have liked him because he was fat—not even bulky. He wasn't fit.

I apologized for not framing it correctly and for hurting him, but I honestly just don't know what else to say.

He himself said, "Oh, I know. I've told you this before. I know you probably would have never liked me like that because I've seen your taste in men but you saying this and after so long has just hurt me so deeply," and all that.

But hearing him say that, especially in this context and after we've been together for so long, has really hurt me very deeply and also I know it has hurt him as well maybe made him insecure but I don't know what to say or do so I really need advice.

Also before you say anything about fat shaming or anything of that sorts I feel everyone has their own opinions, preferences and choices so I won't shame anyone else for having theirs and neither would I do that to myself.

He didn’t seem to be asking your opinion in the original exchange - he was just telling you his plans. But you gave it and that’s what’s caused the issue.

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