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Relationships

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How do I reduce DH suspicions?

62 replies

Stairlifter · 06/09/2026 09:37

DH is suspicious that I am getting involved with a school dad. If I was him I might wonder the same because there is some unfortunate circumstantial evidence, but it's honestly not true!

I see school dad for ten minutes a week, when we pick our respective kids up from an activity. I have his number because he sorts the kids availability out and we have had to arrange attendance at parties / occasional school queries etc via WhatsApp. School dad is also married, by the way.

Occasionally there is the odd not-strictly-necessary text. So the other day for example I asked him if he was going to a festival in town, just because it would be nice for our kids to meet up and for the two families generally to see each other. DH felt a bit out out that I'd text a man about this. Honestly if he wanted to read all of our texts ever he could and he would see that not a single one of them came even close to crossing a line.

But yesterday unfortunately something happened and now he is suspicious. I perform in a choir. We were doing a performance locally. I mentioned this in a next conversation to school dad. I don't like my own DH watching me in the choir as I find it a bit embarrassing and off putting. This is nothing new. I didn't invite school dad down yesterday but he unexpectedly showed up, with his kids, to watch the performance, because they were in the area and had a spare few mins. I thought that this was lovely (I didn't think there was an ulterior motive and I still don't) but when I mentioned it to DH he got into a huff.

I can see why he would get huffy. I told him not to come, and then this other guy came. But honestly it was an accident, there was nothing in it, and surely it would have been worse had I not mentioned it and DH had found out some other way.

I don't want to cut contact with school dad, because we are friends-ish and also cos the kids are close and I need to contact him for admin purposes. But I could do without a jealous DH. Any advice?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2026 09:39

SomethingNewish · 06/09/2026 10:41

I think OP being delighted this man turned up to watch her sing whilst not wanting her own H to come along must really hurtful to him. And if OP can't see how hurtful this is then I wonder if there are other ways she is tone deaf to his feelings.

He fancies you and you like it OP, perhaps your DH has picked up on it
You have done nothing wrong (yet) but maybe dial it back a bit before it goes wrong

Scottishskifun · 07/09/2026 09:40

Your DH has a serious red flag here it's possessive behaviour.
Frankly I find it bonkers if you try to change it he will likely turn around and say see I knew you were hiding something!

Keep reaffirming that your friends maybe also speak to him and ask where the insecurity is coming from. It sounds like he might have been watching too many "how to be men" reels!

lottiegarbanzo · 07/09/2026 09:47

You either trust each other or you don’t. Simple as that.

Stop feeding him crumbs though. Why on earth did you tell him the school dad came to your concert?

Franpie · 07/09/2026 19:26

I’m another one struggling to see the circumstantial evidence.

You are having normal interactions with another parent. That’s all.

I am friends with lots of dads of friends of my kids. I’m friends with quite a few men who are not parents of friends of my kids too. I would be beyond angry if my DH didn’t trust me.

DozyCrow · 07/09/2026 19:40

On the face of it, you've done nothing wrong here. I have a few questions though...

  1. how come all your interactions are with SD? Does the mum not get involved in school stuff, parties, or getting her kids to their hobby?
  2. if you know your husband is jealous, why did you feel the need to tell him SD had come to watch? That's just stoking the flames.
  3. Can your DH take some turns collecting your kids from their hobby so that he can meet SD for himself?

You shouldn't have to, but maybe add your DH to the WhatsApp chat so he's part of the conversation about the DC and can see it's all above board?

RelishingGrpSupport · 07/09/2026 19:47

Sorry OP, one more also. And noting you've had some blunt speaking aimed at you based on speculation. Ppl don't know how it is that choir practice is just you and DH isn't on the scene. Maybe it's for you and your choir friends and he's not part of the scene and he didn't ever want to be and you've both been pleased with that and you were both happy before school dad came along unexpectedly. Just wondering.

NotMajorTom · 07/09/2026 20:02

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 06/09/2026 16:34

why is this the only line of reasoning that you’re engaging with? As it’s certainly not what most of the commenters are saying.

Because she wants there to be more to it…

GuppytheCat · 07/09/2026 20:17

Shouldn't your husband be the one person you don't feel embarrassed/self conscious around?

God, not for music stuff, no. Mine is a very good musician and I'm not. He might get the urge to make it into a teachable moment. Or do "the thing with the eyebrows", as DD puts it, at the duff notes. I'd far rather have an audience of cheerfully ignorant half-acquaintances.

TheBlueKoala · 07/09/2026 20:27

@Stairlifter I have alwayq been very very careful around my dc friends dads because I didn't want their to be any misunderstandings. I've firmly declined coffee dates or hanging out outside of activities with my dc. Unfortunately many men aren't looking for mum friends- maybe some do- but I don't want to take the risk. Sadly I've learnt from experience that at some point men will hit on you so my boundaries are up from the beginning.

Darkdiamond · 07/09/2026 20:56

Am I just an old dinosaur who goes out of her way to avoid situations where I could be accused of anything? Is it just me who doesn't think that having concerns that your wife might fancy one of the dads and is spending time with them does not make someone possessive and isn't a red flag?

My husband is not jealous, has always trusted me and never given me any reason to not trust him but I avoid male friendships. Don't get me wrong, I will happily have a laugh with some of the guys from work, maybe the odd jokey email within the context of work. However I will not be sending texts 'just because' and I just will not get involved in a friendship with a married man without involving his wife too.

I would hate for anyone to think I was stepping on anyone's toes and I try to keep no grey areas in this regard.

I think that Op's male friend quite likes this little friendship and it is DH whose inner sirens are picking up on something he doesn't quite like.

My mother always told me that men.always really want more than friendship and I think its true more often than not.

I will drag my knuckles back into my cave now!

Bananacrepewithnuts · 07/09/2026 21:58

Do you fancy school dad?

Bananacrepewithnuts · 07/09/2026 22:05

DozyCrow · 07/09/2026 19:40

On the face of it, you've done nothing wrong here. I have a few questions though...

  1. how come all your interactions are with SD? Does the mum not get involved in school stuff, parties, or getting her kids to their hobby?
  2. if you know your husband is jealous, why did you feel the need to tell him SD had come to watch? That's just stoking the flames.
  3. Can your DH take some turns collecting your kids from their hobby so that he can meet SD for himself?

You shouldn't have to, but maybe add your DH to the WhatsApp chat so he's part of the conversation about the DC and can see it's all above board?

I bet you any money she won't add her DH to the chat
🤔

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