How do I reduce DH suspicions?

[Stairlifter]

DH is suspicious that I am getting involved with a school dad. If I was him I might wonder the same because there is some unfortunate circumstantial evidence, but it's honestly not true!

I see school dad for ten minutes a week, when we pick our respective kids up from an activity. I have his number because he sorts the kids availability out and we have had to arrange attendance at parties / occasional school queries etc via WhatsApp. School dad is also married, by the way.

Occasionally there is the odd not-strictly-necessary text. So the other day for example I asked him if he was going to a festival in town, just because it would be nice for our kids to meet up and for the two families generally to see each other. DH felt a bit out out that I'd text a man about this. Honestly if he wanted to read all of our texts ever he could and he would see that not a single one of them came even close to crossing a line.

But yesterday unfortunately something happened and now he is suspicious. I perform in a choir. We were doing a performance locally. I mentioned this in a next conversation to school dad. I don't like my own DH watching me in the choir as I find it a bit embarrassing and off putting. This is nothing new. I didn't invite school dad down yesterday but he unexpectedly showed up, with his kids, to watch the performance, because they were in the area and had a spare few mins. I thought that this was lovely (I didn't think there was an ulterior motive and I still don't) but when I mentioned it to DH he got into a huff.

I can see why he would get huffy. I told him not to come, and then this other guy came. But honestly it was an accident, there was nothing in it, and surely it would have been worse had I not mentioned it and DH had found out some other way.

I don't want to cut contact with school dad, because we are friends-ish and also cos the kids are close and I need to contact him for admin purposes. But I could do without a jealous DH. Any advice?

You've done nothing wrong.
There's no "evidence" as nothing happened.
You've described someone that you're vaguely friendly with - are you not allowed friends?
Your husband sounds extremely controlling. If he has suspicions that's on him not trusting you.

As above. You’ve done nothing wrong so you need to stop letting your DH make you feel as though you have or that it’s not allowed. You stand up for yourself and tell him to get a grip.

Either your DH trusts you or he doesn’t. Mine wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this because he trusts me. We spend a lot of time apart as I travel a lot for work. He is more locally based but leads a female dominated team. If either of us worried about things like the situation you’ve described our marriage would be a very unhappy one. So I’d start with a conversation about trust.

If that’s ‘evidence’ then my DH is having an affair with at least two of the football mums

You’ve done nothing wrong. He either trusts you or he doesn’t 🤷‍♀️

I would assure him nothing is going on and hand him my phone and tell him to look at whatever he likes, whenever he likes. And that I'll be wanting to do the same with his phone. Starting right now. Since apparently we are in a relationship without trust.

You keep saying you would be suspicious in your husband's shoes but would you? If a school mum came to see him doing something in public with her kids because they were in the area? And the kids were school friends?

If he doesn't trust you to not have rampant sex with someone just because they watched you singing in a choir for 10 minutes then your relationship is over.

So where is this circumstantial evidence? What you've described is completely normal interactions with someone you're on friendly terms with because of your children.

You don't need to reduce your DH's suspicious, he needs to sort out his paranoia - thats completely on him, not you.

Do you trust him?

Eh? There IS no evidence. Just a paranoid, insecure idiot of a DH

So, the evidence is that you’ve occasionally spoken to a man?

Some people’s relationships frighten me.

I think it’s turned into a problem because op has frequently, and on this occasion, told her dh specifically not to come and watch her sing in a choir, but is perfectly happy (indeed thinks it’s lovely!) when she texts another man about the performance and he turns up to watch her sing in a choir. She’s done absolutely nothing wrong, neither has her friend, but I can see why it could be misinterpreted and seem hurtful to her dh.

I agree. Especially as the poster thinks she would also be concerned if the roles were reversed
Utterly batshit, but here it seems also completely normalised

School Dad fancies you OP.

I’d be hurt if my spouse didn’t want me to support them in a hobby but thought it was lovely that someone else did so. Not necessarily suspicious but it would hurt my feelings.

Has your DH been cheated on before? Sadly that will cause insecurity but it is that person's responsibility to work on that, not to offload that onto someone else. It ruins that relationship and is insulting.

If you have cheated before then his reaction is understandable. I don't expect you to post here if you have, just that the problem would need to be handled sympathetically.

Sometimes when a person seems very jealous and accuses their partner of cheating it is because they are cheating themselves and are projecting and/or deflecting attention from their own infidelity.

I would explain to my DH that there is nothing untoward in you talking to other men, especially men you interact with as part of parenting. If he is too entrenched in his insecurity (or guilt) that he cannot see that, then perhaps he should take over the responsibility of getting your children everywhere they need to be.

But that doesn't really resolve the fact that he is insulting you, doesn't trust you and doesn't think much of you as a person if he believes you are a cheat. Discussing that will be a hard conversation to have but this will be your life until you hash it out.

He has to choose to trust you, you can’t make him. Unless there’s a backstory of previous infidelity here, you’ve done nothing wrong and his suspicions are unfair. If you can’t discuss and resolve, maybe some counselling would help to explore where his insecurity is coming from?

Is he nice looking? DH may have this in mind. What about SD's dear wife, is she on the scene? It's a shame that you're not wanting attention or to give that impression but DH is confused.

Agree. So so agree

Is that sarcasm? I hope so!

Absolutely no “evidence” of anything. Would he feel the same if it was a woman. It just happens to the dad that is doing these things.

My husband once dropped me off to meet up with a guy I used to work with. We went and had a coffee and chat for an hour. He said it felt weird but wasn’t suspicious of anything!!!

My concern is that my DH will think that. I have never sensed it, and he often mentions his DW (who I have met a couple of times but don't have anything to do with). He is objectively a good looking man so this adds to my feelings that DH may suspect. But I have neither sought his attention nor actually have it to my knowledge.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong, but him turning up to see your choir is a bit much imo, how many men do that for women they aren’t in relationships with?

I think this is it.

I think OP being delighted this man turned up to watch her sing whilst not wanting her own H to come along must really hurtful to him. And if OP can't see how hurtful this is then I wonder if there are other ways she is tone deaf to his feelings.

I’d be so annoyed if my partner told me not to come to see them do something that’s a big part of their life then casually mentioned it to their good looking opposite sex friend that they text chat with. And i’m a non jealous person, no issue with my partner’s female best friend or mixed sex sports team or drinks with colleagues or anything. But think this one is weird.