How do I reduce DH suspicions?

[Stairlifter]

DH is suspicious that I am getting involved with a school dad. If I was him I might wonder the same because there is some unfortunate circumstantial evidence, but it's honestly not true!

I see school dad for ten minutes a week, when we pick our respective kids up from an activity. I have his number because he sorts the kids availability out and we have had to arrange attendance at parties / occasional school queries etc via WhatsApp. School dad is also married, by the way.

Occasionally there is the odd not-strictly-necessary text. So the other day for example I asked him if he was going to a festival in town, just because it would be nice for our kids to meet up and for the two families generally to see each other. DH felt a bit out out that I'd text a man about this. Honestly if he wanted to read all of our texts ever he could and he would see that not a single one of them came even close to crossing a line.

But yesterday unfortunately something happened and now he is suspicious. I perform in a choir. We were doing a performance locally. I mentioned this in a next conversation to school dad. I don't like my own DH watching me in the choir as I find it a bit embarrassing and off putting. This is nothing new. I didn't invite school dad down yesterday but he unexpectedly showed up, with his kids, to watch the performance, because they were in the area and had a spare few mins. I thought that this was lovely (I didn't think there was an ulterior motive and I still don't) but when I mentioned it to DH he got into a huff.

I can see why he would get huffy. I told him not to come, and then this other guy came. But honestly it was an accident, there was nothing in it, and surely it would have been worse had I not mentioned it and DH had found out some other way.

I don't want to cut contact with school dad, because we are friends-ish and also cos the kids are close and I need to contact him for admin purposes. But I could do without a jealous DH. Any advice?

@Stairlifter maybe he thought it would be something to do to keep the kids busy. ?
I don’t think you should over analyse this and go down the he fancies me path .
It’s a school “friend “ and keep telling your dh that and know that you are doing nothing wrong .

I would not be trying to make him.feel less suspicious. The problem is his not your's

I genuinely think that's what it was. He has never indicated any inkling of inappropriateness. He's never suggested we meet up for a coffee, or texted anything mildly flirtatious, or disparaged his DW to me, or even initiated a text conversation not about the kids. If he'd turned up yesterday by himself or hung about afterwards then maybe but him and the kids left as soon as our bit was done.

Well I’d be annoyed that my dh didn’t trust me.
It’s actually quite insulting to both you and school dad.

You’re coming across as guilty.

I can see why he’s suspicious because even the way you write comes across as like you’re hiding something.

You’ve made a new parent friend - that friend happens to be male.
Nothing more or less than that and so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Obviously it’s good DH has communicated his jealousy but you can’t not talk to a parent because they happen to be a man.

Just be respectful of DH and aware of his feelings but don’t stop what you’re doing if you’re not doing anything wrong.

I can see where’s he coming from a bit. You happened to tell this guy where and when you were singing but have banned your husband and kids from watching, then think it’s lovely when he is coincidentally in the area.
I don’t really think men and women can be platonic close friends though.

My DH organises much of the transporting of our kids and therefore is in regular contact with many school mums in this way. He would absolutely stop by and see someone in a choir if they happened to be in the area. I’d be pretty annoyed if anyone interpreted this as interest. Your husband is being completely unreasonable and making things unnecessarily weird for you. It’s not on.

He hasn’t communicated his jealousy!! He’s huffed and puffed and sulked.

Too much involvement, too many coincidences, too many things going on

hes not just the dad related to your kids activity ….. meeting up after festival, you telling him about your choir etc etc

it’s all too much and you sound guilty OP

Yep. I've been doing a bit of reading between the lines too.

You haven't done anything wrong but I would also be upset if dh didnt want me to watch him perform then said he was happy some other woman came.

But thats not about your texting this man, ifs about you expressing happiness to your dh that he was there and.your dh wasnt.

I've see MN threads along these lines with the sexes reversed, with the poster in the position of your DH; and the advice is usually along the lines of "he's probably testing the waters for an affair, but even if he's not, now that you've told him you're uncomfortable with that relationship, he ought to cut it off, otherwise he's prioritising her over your marriage".

Dh is being very unreasonable. Is he controlling outside of this too? 🚩🚩🚩🚩

You mentioned the guy is good looking. Is there any chance you DH is punching above his weight?

I am and if you are you need to be confident in what else you bring to the party.

He sounds a bit lame sorry

I mean yeah, there is no evidence but I would bet this school dad, who just so happened to be in the area that you were performing in, and just so happened to have a few minutes spare to watch, would just as coincidentally spend longer texting, find other times to coincidentally meet up and just ‘happen’ to not bring his kids.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Carry on as normal and just reassure your DH - he’ll get over it.

Yes but....

The kids are there for plausible deniability. He is sniffing around to detect a spark of interest. Your DH recognises this which is why he is troubled.

What evidence is there of that?

Judging you by his standards?

why is this the only line of reasoning that you’re engaging with? As it’s certainly not what most of the commenters are saying.

Jeez, stop being so daft. It’s normal to be matey with other parents whilst you’re doing stuff with kids.

My DS plays in a band and my DH doesn’t drive, so it’s me and the two other dads doing all the ferrying about and hanging around and inevitably we get chatting. I message the other dads to arrange stuff and sometimes send them additional messages that are just funny things (but probably music related.)

None of us are remotely interested in having an affair. 😆

Yup and if the OP is honest, she quite likes it. Even if she's no intention of indulging.

If it came across that you thought it was lovely when you told DH that School Dad came to watch, I can completely understand hurt feelings.
Shouldn't your husband be the one person you don't feel embarrassed/self conscious around?
I don't think it sounds suspicious, but it does sound like it's highlighted that you don't see DH as someone you can be real with.

And it wasn't an accident - you wouldn't have told anyone you were doing it if you really didn't want anyone to come. So it's just DH you specifically told not to come. That's quite insulting.

Kindly, you seem a little naive. No man would ever, EVER just pop into a choir concert that a school mum mentioned in passing "because he thought it would be nice for the kids". Not a chance. Unless he had a reason.

Also: "he just happened to be nearby." I bet he did!!

Hmm. I have a hobby and sometimes it involves public events. My DH has no interest in it and wouldn’t enjoy the events so I don’t invite him, but do invite others. It’s never been an issue.