I cheated, he's tracking me.

[Selfhatredandshame]

This could be so long so I'll keep it brief

• I have been miserable in my marriage for years but he's a 'good guy', just lacking any emotional capacity or communication skills
• 3 months ago I cheated and kissed another man, told my husband straight away and felt awful. Explained why I did it, he wanted to forgive me and try to make it work.
• we tried for a week, my heart wasn't in it, I broke up with him.
• lots of long conversations about his part to play in what led to me to where I was, he promises to change, I don't want a relationship. I have the ick and have for years, I resent him a lot, he's hurt me too much over the years.
• we start a 50/50 nesting rota and on my off days, I sometimes still meet up with the other man (not publicly). I don't have feelings for him but I've been starved of affection and honestly it feels great.
• I stop seeing the other guy, need to focus on the breakup.
• husband is still questioning me, waiting up for me, entering the bathroom or entering my bedroom (separate bedrooms). Seems to think that me not seeing the other guy is a green light, leads to hours of conversations of him trying to change my mind. He's still paranoid about where I am obviously. Says that we can't work on the marriage with 3 people in it... I'm shocked as as far as I'm concerned, it's over it's been over for 7 weeks.
• husband starts following me around the house, messaging my friends about my mental health, asking other people where I am even though he's agreed to give me space and we agreed what we do in our own time is private to us. It's infuriating.
• I meet up with guy again.
• husband wants us to live together and coparent workout nesting. We have a big chat where he is acting so strangely, saying I need to choose between him and the other man, asking if I've seen him. I lie because I don't want to upset him and I should be allowed to do what I want in my own time. And the marriage ending for me is nothing to do with the other guy but if people went to believe that then I don't really care.
• I take my car to the garage for tyres, they find a tracker. When my husband is upstairs later on , I find the app on his phones that confirms he has been GPS tracking me.

We can't afford for one of us to move out. The house will need to go on the market. His parents live nearby and have loads of space, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I don't think I can live with him now I know about the tracker.
Should I ask him to leave? Should we go back to nesting?.I'm worried he has bugs in my bedroom or something.
Do I bring up the tracker?
Sorry that's all rushed.... It's a right mess.

Speaking from experience with having a cheating spouse it creates all sorts of uncertainty. I just wanted to know my exDHs whereabouts because I couldn't trust a word that came out of his mouth. My marriage was over and I just wanted answers and confirmation of my suspicions and just wasn't getting it from him. That being said, tracking you is unacceptable.

You have a couple of options here OP. As people have rightly said you can go to the police and report it. They will arrest him.

Someone else has suggested about using this as leverage to get him out of the house to live with his parents. I would sit him down and tell him that that would be the preferred option here due to you feeling unsafe.

You drop the nesting plan. This will not work with his actions already. Its not an option.

Finally, focus on yourself and your DC. You are 7 weeks out of a marriage and muddying the waters with others really isn't going to make you feel any better in the long run.

Good luck.

He’s stalking you.
You need to leave and not look back. I fear he is capable of taking your children tbh

You need to resolve your marriage situation. A secret tracker would be final straw for me as he obviously thinks he is justified in secretly tracking you rather than forgiving you and working through the marriage problems.

The other guy is a distraction, and quite frankly has been the result but not the cause of the break down. You husband won't see it like that. Hence the tracking. You need to stop seeing this other man if he means nothing to you. It's an added complication otherwise.

Make up you mind want you want to to do ( stay, go, or tolerate the current situation) and assess the consequences of each . You can't just assume he will go and live with his parents just because they have space. Get your financial information together, house value, mortgage, debts, incomes, savings, pensions etc. See a lawyer on your options. Be prepared for huge changes in lifestyle if you decide to split up permanently.

If you are not working, find out what benefits you might be able to access if you or he left the home , and run the child support calculator in his income to find out how much he will need to pay depending on child care split ( or vice versa if he fights for children) Remember also that a lump sum from house sale might then make you ineligible for benefits, so plan ahead for an income to afford to buy somewhere if you can afford to do so, rather than running down savings.

There's lots to consider here

Well at the end of the day it is up to you. Maybe talking to woman’s aid is a good soft option? They can give you much better advice. However I do think you should share your location with a trusted friend or family member and have someone you check in with - just so someone knows what’s going on and that you’re safe.

@Seajaye 'rather than forgiving you and working through the marriage problems.' he offered forgiveness, I don't want it. I want the marriage to end. I have been so desperately depressed and lonely in the marriage, and like many women, run our entire lives. He is an extra child to me and I want none if it anymore. There is nothing I want more than to be alone.
His refusal to accept that I want the marriage to end, following me round the house, knocking on the door when I'm in the bathroom to talk about the marriage, coming into my bedroom in the middle of the night to give me a letter, asking me to keep location on my phone, pacing around until I get in from anywhere. This is all since i separated from him.
If he'd have made an ounce of effort the hundreds of times I'd asked him to, I wouldn't have gone and done something stupid. But that's all done now and there's no changing it.

I stand by what I said . I think you're in a dangerous situation. I think he's volatile and unstable. Understandable perhaps but doesn't mean that he is safe for you to be around. It's a pressure cooker.

Please speak to someone about safely getting out of this.

I think you will have to leave to get out of the relationship safely. I would be concerned about trying to get him to face reality by serving divorce papers while you're still there.

It's illegal to track you. It's stalking. There may be other devices in your home if there's a tracker on your car, and he might be monitoring your phone and computers. You can buy bug detectors from spycatcher online, around £280 and they do work to uncover electronic surveillace devices, plug sockets with audio receivers, (they cost £25) smoke alarms with hidden cameras, etc, (similar price to buy) but they won't work on your phone or find programs he's installed on any electronic devices you have. I seriously think you need to go to the police, and tell them about him surveilling and stalking you and also tell them that he's contacting your friends faux-concerned about your 'mental health' in case he's got, other, more nefarious plans, such as to make it look like you've harmed yourself. You need to spell it out to them, very plainly. You need help. He might kill you. It really is that serious. I know you say he's a good man, but you're also saying you're worried he'll harm himself, but if that's the case, he could equally harm you. Yes, restraining orders are good, legally, but practically, they're just paper and for your safety, and the safety of your children, you need to go to the police. Ask for a referral to an independent domestic violence advocate.

Tracking you and forgiveness, even if you wanted the latter, would never work out. I think he is mentally unwell. It's best you decide what you are going to do about your situation rather than stay in limbo before risking things escalating. Somebody else mentioned it was like a pressure cooker, it's building up too much steam to be safe.