I cheated, he's tracking me.

[Selfhatredandshame]

This could be so long so I'll keep it brief

• I have been miserable in my marriage for years but he's a 'good guy', just lacking any emotional capacity or communication skills
• 3 months ago I cheated and kissed another man, told my husband straight away and felt awful. Explained why I did it, he wanted to forgive me and try to make it work.
• we tried for a week, my heart wasn't in it, I broke up with him.
• lots of long conversations about his part to play in what led to me to where I was, he promises to change, I don't want a relationship. I have the ick and have for years, I resent him a lot, he's hurt me too much over the years.
• we start a 50/50 nesting rota and on my off days, I sometimes still meet up with the other man (not publicly). I don't have feelings for him but I've been starved of affection and honestly it feels great.
• I stop seeing the other guy, need to focus on the breakup.
• husband is still questioning me, waiting up for me, entering the bathroom or entering my bedroom (separate bedrooms). Seems to think that me not seeing the other guy is a green light, leads to hours of conversations of him trying to change my mind. He's still paranoid about where I am obviously. Says that we can't work on the marriage with 3 people in it... I'm shocked as as far as I'm concerned, it's over it's been over for 7 weeks.
• husband starts following me around the house, messaging my friends about my mental health, asking other people where I am even though he's agreed to give me space and we agreed what we do in our own time is private to us. It's infuriating.
• I meet up with guy again.
• husband wants us to live together and coparent workout nesting. We have a big chat where he is acting so strangely, saying I need to choose between him and the other man, asking if I've seen him. I lie because I don't want to upset him and I should be allowed to do what I want in my own time. And the marriage ending for me is nothing to do with the other guy but if people went to believe that then I don't really care.
• I take my car to the garage for tyres, they find a tracker. When my husband is upstairs later on , I find the app on his phones that confirms he has been GPS tracking me.

We can't afford for one of us to move out. The house will need to go on the market. His parents live nearby and have loads of space, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I don't think I can live with him now I know about the tracker.
Should I ask him to leave? Should we go back to nesting?.I'm worried he has bugs in my bedroom or something.
Do I bring up the tracker?
Sorry that's all rushed.... It's a right mess.

Have to agree with this

If anyone, male or female posted saying they were being tracked the advised would be to report to the police.

Op handled this badly and shouldn’t have cheated, but that doesn’t mean he can do anything he wants. He has every right to be upset about all of this, to feel betrayed and let down, and to express his hurt in an appropriate manner. He doesn’t have the right to monitor op’s movements without her permission. To me that’s as big a betrayal as the one he has just experienced. I say this as someone who has been hurt by an affair.

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. Call women’s aid asap. Please look after yourself.

I have been neglected in my marriage for years. I fucked up - I kissed someone else and told my husband the same evening. I ended it.
My husband also told me that if I hadn't done it, he would never taken me seriously when I said how much I was struggling and would never had changed. So just reinforcing that he'd never do anything for me.
I know I made a mistake - I took responsibility for it.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Yes I'm in the UK.
I can't afford to rent anywhere or I would be gone.
Yes we started out nesting, he stays at his parents house in his own room and I stay anywhere I can, sometimes my mum's or a friends but it's not as easy and more like sofa surfing. I also WFH and I have my work set up at home - I was supposed to be finding somewhere to work when it's not my time in the house but moving all my equipment every few days will also be a nightmare (I need a specific monitor etc for my job).
We then tried a more relaxed approach where we had set days we were responsible for the kids but it was ok to come into the house and we sometimes had a family meal together. He said he wanted me to be able to stay here every night but I think he just wanted to make where I was, and it meant he knew when I wasn't here and he'd be waiting for me to get back.
I wish I had the money to leave. We live very rurally and his parents live very close. I don't even think it's far enough if there was a restraining order.
I don't want to blow everyone's lives up. I wanted to do this amicably but his refusal to accept it has created so much more pain. I really thought he'd accept separation as he is pretty miserable with me most of the time and has made no effort to work on the relationship.

No. He's stalking her.

@Selfhatredandshame You may be able to afford to rent, especially if you qualify for UC on top of wages.
How many bedrooms min would you need?
I started off privately renting a 2-bed and was it fine - got us out.
Edited to add - yes, a 2 bed would work as your children are 3 and 5 so can happily share.

He is stalking you but you haven't. Behaved well as youu know. You need to end it and move out, no-one to move with temporarily?

@Imisscoffee2021 I have ended it. We are not together. We are having to live together but are in no way in relationship.
This house is 50% mine, I'm still liable to pay half the mortgage. I couldn't rent on top of that.
I earn 42k so don't think I'd be entitled to anything.

@FunPartyIdeas I don't think I'd be entitled to anything especially as I'll still be paying a mortgage on this house?

People always say to call Women's Aid but they haven't run the helpline for a long time. You need to call Refuge. They have a dedicated team who support women who are experiencing abuse through technology. They will help you to check all devices, and clear any tracking apps safely. I know this because my friend found a tracking app on her phone and they helped her to remove this, sent her a brick phone to contact them on, helped her check log ins to her emails and found that he had been logging in, supported her to secure passwords, banking etc. Would really recommend you calling them.

Call the police. They will arrest him and get him out of the house. They may even issue a non-contact order so he can’t come back.

@AFigureWalks Only if she can provide clear evidence.

@Selfhatredandshame You will be if you can show sale can't be processed until divorce. At the end of the day you need somewhere to live and if you are don't safe feel then that needs to be somewhere away.
The only thing I would say is have you discussed contact schedule re kids?

Ok, you messed up. Not great, but thousands do and one mistake doesn’t define who you are. It isn’t an excuse for him to treat you like a dog that’s inclined to roam. Perhaps he thought when the family dinners were happening, there was a hope of reconciliation - who knows. Definitely call Refuge and ask for advice and options. You should also sweep your room and the bathroom for cameras: go through every single thing in your room including light fittings, pictures, and smoke detectors.

I think you should leave with your children but I can see how difficult that is in practical terms. Sending huge support.

I have no idea what “nesting” is ?
Anyway OP, agree with pps that you need to talk to the police.

Well the tracking/stalking is wrong however you choose to look at it, he’s clearly paranoid and has good reason to be i guess given that you cheated on him, that said, it’s your choice but the only way forward is a proper separation where one or both of you move out and go your separate ways.

Do you want to end up a statistic on the news? This guy is behaving irrationally. He was tracking you. Do not nest with him, whatever the F that means. Tell the police what he did and how he's been behaving. Get a restraining order if you can - ask the police how to get him out of the house and change the locks. Put up cameras (on your own property only, please don't wind up neighbours).

I wouldn't normally alarm anyone just as PPs pointed out - this isn't normal behaviour and while it could be the worst he does - it also might not be.

The biggest red flag to me, if we ignore the tracking and what he thought he'd do with any information he learned from it, is you saying you communicated clearly the relationship was over but 7 weeks later, he was off in fantasy land acting like that never happened. This is why he might be dangerous.

So protect yourself by behaving as though he is dangerous. Get witness statements from the garage. Get on to the police now and get him out. Sell the house etc but get him out asap.

Also: tell everyone you know what he did (once you have statements from garage so can prove it) and ask them not to share info about you with him.

Nesting is where the children stay in the family home and the parents take it turns to live there with them. We do this on a 50/50 basis of 2,2,3 days.

I would be really worried his behaviour would escalate. He’s tracking you - that’s crazy person behaviour. Get away from him, document it with the police, and if I were you I would have give a trusted friend or family member my location. He is probably harmless and just having a crazy reaction to your split, but in the off chance he’s not it’s best to have someone who knows where you are who you’re in regular contact with.

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf it's not as simple as documenting it with the police. They will arrest him and enforce a restraining order while they investigate. So if I tell them I have to prepared for the fall out. I don't know if I am.

He's ruining his own life!

If he goes to jail, that's what we would call "natural consequences of breaking the law".

As for suicide threats, they are usually empty in abusers.

Do it. It's the only way to assure your safety.

You are stronger than you know.

You can leave. Refuge / Womens Aid / the council will ensure a roof over your head.

You can report him. He has broken the law. He may get a caution, but it will help you be safe.

You can do this. For your children. For you. For life.

Not the point I guess since what’s done is done but I’m wondering was he always like that?

I’m always curious when women have these kind of men and yet have more than one child with them.

It sounds like he’s always been like this or did he change after the second kid?