I cheated, he's tracking me.

[Selfhatredandshame]

This could be so long so I'll keep it brief

• I have been miserable in my marriage for years but he's a 'good guy', just lacking any emotional capacity or communication skills
• 3 months ago I cheated and kissed another man, told my husband straight away and felt awful. Explained why I did it, he wanted to forgive me and try to make it work.
• we tried for a week, my heart wasn't in it, I broke up with him.
• lots of long conversations about his part to play in what led to me to where I was, he promises to change, I don't want a relationship. I have the ick and have for years, I resent him a lot, he's hurt me too much over the years.
• we start a 50/50 nesting rota and on my off days, I sometimes still meet up with the other man (not publicly). I don't have feelings for him but I've been starved of affection and honestly it feels great.
• I stop seeing the other guy, need to focus on the breakup.
• husband is still questioning me, waiting up for me, entering the bathroom or entering my bedroom (separate bedrooms). Seems to think that me not seeing the other guy is a green light, leads to hours of conversations of him trying to change my mind. He's still paranoid about where I am obviously. Says that we can't work on the marriage with 3 people in it... I'm shocked as as far as I'm concerned, it's over it's been over for 7 weeks.
• husband starts following me around the house, messaging my friends about my mental health, asking other people where I am even though he's agreed to give me space and we agreed what we do in our own time is private to us. It's infuriating.
• I meet up with guy again.
• husband wants us to live together and coparent workout nesting. We have a big chat where he is acting so strangely, saying I need to choose between him and the other man, asking if I've seen him. I lie because I don't want to upset him and I should be allowed to do what I want in my own time. And the marriage ending for me is nothing to do with the other guy but if people went to believe that then I don't really care.
• I take my car to the garage for tyres, they find a tracker. When my husband is upstairs later on , I find the app on his phones that confirms he has been GPS tracking me.

We can't afford for one of us to move out. The house will need to go on the market. His parents live nearby and have loads of space, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I don't think I can live with him now I know about the tracker.
Should I ask him to leave? Should we go back to nesting?.I'm worried he has bugs in my bedroom or something.
Do I bring up the tracker?
Sorry that's all rushed.... It's a right mess.

I would still contact the police. He will have to leave. That’s what you want, surely?

@Mummyoflittledragon yes it's what I want but this is so out of character for him. I don't want to ruin his life. The future of having to manage handovers through third parties etc... also I'm concerned he might do something stupid as a result (he's never mentioned self harm before but I suspect he has been depressed).

This. Inform the police. Give them details of the garage so they can take a statement. Installing a tracker in someones car is not normal behaviour. It is controlling, obsessive and implies he thinks he owns you. Do you have a ring doorbell?

I question whether you and your dcs are safe. Speak to Womens Aid about your options.

Have you filed for divorce? I'd do that now, it takes ages so get the ball rolling. It will also make it clear to your H that there will be no reconcilliation.

But talk to the police and Woman's Aid first.

I really understand how scary the prospect of going to the police about this is for you. And I get your reticence. You can’t protect someone from themself unfortunately. That’s for him to do. He is a grown man. And a depressed person is not necessarily in any way suicidal.

If he behaves well, after a period of time, these sanctions are bound to be lifted. And he will know that you are willing to protect yourself. You have young children to think about. And your safety and ability to protect them comes first.

People can change drastically under pressure or when you are no longer with them. Not going to the police potentially risks consequences that you may in time regret.

I get this is truly a very difficult decision. I am just asking you to not make it out of fear of what may happen to him. Rather to consider the whole picture.

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon
Very wise and sensible and my sister echoes what you're saying. He is coming over this morning... Maybe I'll just act normal and speak to the police later on.

That sounds like a good plan. Is your sister free to go to the police with you?

You are getting the ‘who leaves’ part the wrong way round.

You report him to the police.
he moves to his parents you stay where you are with the kids and change the locks
You get a restraining order.
you agree a routine for him to have the kids at his parents house.
you file for divorce
you put the house on the market

And in between take any tiny escalation seriously and go back to the police.

you said the police take this type of behaviour seriously…. If you aren’t clear why visit the Counting Dead Women project.

Come on OP. Find your back bone and get moving.

See a solicitor, police and woman’s aid

stalking you is not acceptable, and as others have stated not legal

he needs ti move to his parents home

Act normal, don’t say anything until you have spoken to police and solicitor. Keep things the same for now, so he doesn’t realise you know anything about the tracker

Are you in the UK as makes advice easier ?

This is fucking hilarious, the amount of people that suggest using a tracker when someone thinks their husband is cheating, its on almost every thread!
Now here is the cheater and boo hoo, she's been found out.

If people thinks a tracker shouldn't be used that's fine but dont tell women to use trackers on men to try and catch them.

.....waiting for all the women to come to the defence of this cheating lady because they both have vaginas...🙄

@KookyFish I think you’ve found yourself on the wrong forum sweetheart, 8kun is waiting for you 💖

Literally never seen anyone suggest that in all my years on this forum @KookyFish , quite the opposite.

OP you've been asked this before but what do you mean by nesting in the same house? As that's not what it usually is?

I ask because perhaps in the short term actual nesting could be an option, if each of you were able to stay elsewhere for half the week, ie him with his parents and you perhaps with a friend? I had a friend stay with me for a while like this.

However you would still have to be careful about the possibility of cameras, him going through your stuff if you left some there etc.

Try to catch her for what? She ended the relationship before the tracking. You can't cheat on someone you're not in a relationship with.

He removed the tracker this morning, after you posted about it on here!!

OP, does he have admin access on your phone? You do realise with a bit of IT knowledge, he can see everything you do. This is getting more and more concerning.

Please go to the police. Ask for advice on how to make your phone secure.

I hate it when obviously MRA posters (no female poster would refer to OP as a 'lady') haunt Munsnet Relationship threads like malevolent ghosts.

I can't recall any theads where posters have encouraged OP to use a tracker. If it's almost on every thread as you have said, please provide links.

Neither cheating or tracking/snooping is a good look, whoever is doing it. If there’s no trust left, the relationship is over.

Both actions are wrong.

Best way now would be to sort out breaking up, and trying to keep it as amicable as it can be.

The major problem here is OP can't kick her husband out of his own home. It's legally his (just as much as it hopefully is legally hers as they are married).
But I don't get the "nesting" going on? OP - do you mean you are cohabiting, but no longer viewing yourselves as married couple?

@StraightTalkingTina OP can change the locks after he's gone; but he has the legal right to re-enter the property.

To give my experience, exh kept our house during a very long and difficult divorce. I had to leave because I wasn't safe with him.

He did not physically abuse me. He had mentally, emotionally and financially abused me but it took me until I was away from him to see it.

Leaving the house was a difficult position to be in when trying to resolve the divorce. It definitely puts you at a disadvantage but it simply wasn't safe for me to be there and he wouldn't leave.

Above all else @Selfhatredandshame BE SAFE.

The only regret I have is I had crap solicitors who said a non molestation order would be hard to get.

You sound like you're being fairly sensible but if I was you, I'd be keeping the evidence you have found so far elsewhere. Create new email account, get a new device, set it up away from home wifi.

Get a grab bag with your documents and emergency stuff in it, just in case.

People under pressure can react unpredictably.

I would check all the stalking behaviour out with regards to a non molestation order as part of divorce and try and get him out of the house.

Obviously that's temporary while you get your own place sorted and the house sold.

I'm sorry. It's very hard.

You don’t need to leave. Contact the police and they will make him leave.

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse

He's commited a crime against her. The police can tell DH to live elsewhere.

Op. I know you feel empathy for him and that is to your credit but you really need to consider the future.

Your ex has shown some concerning behaviour even before escalating to tracking. He still believes there is hope for the relationship and when he realises you are moving on he may take things even further. Women have been killed for leaving. He is showing possessiveness of you which could easily make him feel entitled to hurt you if he starts losing control.

By informing the police asap (don't wait as who knows what kind of evidence he could hide) you are protecting yourself from future escalation and immediate reporting makes it clear you think it's serious (it is) Evidence evidence evidence. So many women are not believed in family court cases.

His own issues are his own. You aren't together any more. He is no longer your problem.

@Luckydog7 makes a very good point that evidence is needed for legal aid. Speak to the police for this.

I ended up sat in a police station a few times, plus they spoke to exh about malicious communication and harassment and I didn't get legal aid but I was badly advised early on and I think it can be the luck of the draw where you are, whether solicitors are willing to take legal aid case.

@Luckydog7 I agree - OP needs to speak to the police. She will need to provide solid evidence of his abusiveness, however, in order for the police to enforce an order for husband to leave the marital home.
When I reported coercive control to the police, I was firmly told that nothing could be done "unless I could show bruises." This was by a female officer.

He's in betrayal trauma - he's still processing what's going on.
Maybe it's hard to see that it's truly ended in your head.
For him, it's just the beginning of knowing something is not right.