I don't want to LTB...how to get through 15years

[Canyoutellme123]

Hi all, occasionally physically abusive relationship, never in front of the children, always alcohol related so could be avoided if actively try (ie I was out tonight with my friends, he was drinking on his own..I could just not drink). Children age 6 and 3. Legally he is a good farther, so albeit not having gone through this process before, but from reading Mumsnet and the "the judge starts with 50/50" and the "it's the best interest of the children to have 50/50" which in theory I agree with, what should I do???
I don't want to only see my children 50% of their lives.
I'm not quite sure what my question is... I don't think i want any LTB. Realistically I know that's the case, and I know that's inevitable. However I think my question is how do I cope with 15 years of this. In my mind I am just going to assume I am a single mum with the custody I in theory want... Try to "drop the rope" and fend for myself.
Ill be honest, can people who say LTB stay away from the thread, and can I please have realistic productive responses

My aunt became suicidal after about 15 years and was sectioned. She divorced her useless aggressive excuse of a husband another 7 years after that. She is such a happier person for it but she has developed a personality disorder (not sure exactly what it is called). Please don't force yourself to do this. Keep your sanity and give yourself and your children a better life. You deserve a million times better. Keep a log of the violence.

I am so sorry.

Do you know a solicitor would award 50/50 or even that your husband would cope with caring for his kids 50% of the time?

I am unclear whether your drinking is an issue, or whether it was simply you going out with friends that meant he was at home and drinking alone, was the problem?

Nope.

This man has a drinking problem and is abusive. Start logging evidence. Call the police when he abuses. Gather yourself so you can leave and build a case so he doesn’t get 50% time.

"my question is how do I cope with 15 years of this" until your youngest is 18 do you mean @Canyoutellme123?

It would be useful for you to make contact with the professionals.

You must keep yourself and the children safe but do be aware that his kind of behaviour tends to escalate and what you will tolerate now may not be acceptable in the future.

You will drive yourself mad staying with this behaviour and the kids will pick up on things as they get older.

Is your DH actually up to looking after the children half the time? That means full time care like school runs, pick ups, overnights etc and contributing half financially of everything? Some men say 50/50 to avoid paying CMS but aren't really able to do the work. Would he want that or be capable if he's a drinker?
I wouldn't bring the children up in a toxic environment though by staying together l, children are like sponges and notice, absorb all if the bad atmosphere and arguments. It won't work out well.

Of course he won’t be arsed to go to court and get 50/50. He won’t even want it since he’s got a drinking problem.

I take it he’s hurt you tonight? Just call the police

That must be so difficult.
I suppose with a three year old you might not be working (or at least not full time) yet, but you may work full time in future, especially when the children are both at school?
If so, it might not seem like such a bad idea then, you could work when he has them.
But and it’s a big but — not many separated fathers actually want to have their kids 50 percent of the time when it comes down to it. And he would have to show how he would manage having them. The exception might be if they just hand the kids over to their mum but you might have some say in that, given the abuse.

Meanwhile please consider if you report the instances of physical abuse, (not necessarily to the police although that would be best, to your GP/your family) it would at least get it on record and could be considered when deciding custody issues.
(Also he might not be such a great dad a few years on when faced with rebellious, stroppy teens.)

You leave the bastard because physical abuse only ever escalates and one day he may kill you.

Even if he doesn't, fifteen years is too long to be on eggshells, waiting to see if tonight he will be drunk and violent or not.

Start logging the incidents somewhere that he can't destroy or find, every single one, and talk to Women's Aid, Refuge, and similar.

This is what a "realististic, productive response" looks like.

You cannot assume that the children are unaware of his abuse of you. They have ears, even if they are pretending to be asleep. My parents thought we didn't know they were divorcing because they only argued about it after we'd gone to bed.

Aye, this is a good point. If you can't have a night out because he will get drunk and hit you if you do, then that's also a form of abuse because it isolates you from your friends.

Unless they were out of the house, they heard. Children don’t sleep through these things. The noise travels more than you realize. Sometimes they even come look. They can also tell the next day so even if they were out of the house, they still notice the aftermath.

You can’t protect them as long as you stay. You also won’t be able to protect them in his house. That is the sad flaw in a system that does not acknowledge the damage this does to children.

What you will get them is a place where they feel safe. They will have time where they are not in a constant state of fight or flight. They will have a place where they don’t panic a bit every time he walks in the door. That will help them form healthy neural pathways instead of only ones that support anxiety. It will help them understand what a healthy family looks like.

Get out kids are more switched on than you think
They have ears they'll hear the noise once a bit older they'll be listening out for it
After a while he won't care if they see it.
I'm a child that grew up in a DV house hold we were both battered I've been punched,kicked,thrown across a room.
Started ages 7 and it leaves its mark I'm late 50s.

If you are only staying together for the children, I'd add that although there was no abuse involved I remember all my parents arguments, fighting and separate bedrooms situation before they divorced and I was 9 when that happened. So the older your children get the more they'll realise. If you stay together and try and live as a single person you'll probably suffer mentally too, its really poisonous and draining trying to be calm around a person you don't get on with.
Don't worry about 50/50 before you know this will be the case and get some legal advice.

Children end up pretty damaged growing up around violent drunk men

I'm sure you don't want that for them

If he is not doing a bunch of child care now don't expect him to do it if you split some of them just feck off because they'd rather drink

My dd left her violent abuser when the children were small and yes he acted like he was going to try to get custody. it was all a ruse to bully and scare her. He hasn't seen the kids in probably seven years and he doesn't pay maintenance

OP imagine one of your children were facing the next 15 years of this?

With a partner. What would you say.

Because they are facing the next 15 years of this.

Your and your kids’ safety absolutely must come first. Al-Anon is a Twelve Step program for the friends and family of alcoholics. You’ll receive a warm welcome.

Exactly right.

A woman is killed by an abusive partner every three days in the UK. Don’t let your kids grow up without a mother. He is violent - there is no room for debate here.

Please, OP - make plans for how you navigate the next month as you plan to leave him, not the next 15 years.

Jesus.

He could kill you. You do realise that right? Most women who are murdered by their partners suffered from prolonged domestic violence and abuse leading up to the murder.

You categorically cannot stay another 15 years. You shouldn’t even stay another 15 days! Please do not put yourself and your children through this.

Get legal advice ASAP. Contact WomensAid. Tell a trusted friend or family member (not on your husbands side).

You can do it ❤️

15 years of being physically abused ?

You'd get less time for murder.

Look I know you asked people not to recommend LTB - but it's difficult not to. May I strongly strongly recommend you tell your GP what's going on and book yourself on to the Freedom course and visit Al-Anon. And also let your children's school know - your kids will need so much support.

The thought of going it alone feels scary, I get that but do you really want to sentence yourself to 15 years of physical abuse, A&E visits, covering up bruises, ending up as a nervous wreck and husk of your younger self, desparately trying to explain to your kids why you stayed.

If you can't leave for yourself - leave for your kids. They don't have a choice, but you do.

@Canyoutellme123 I guess to cope, youre going to have to live completely separate lives whilst together, most likely on eggshells. And the same with the kids. Its a massive ask though as kids grow up. I say this as someone whose ex is an alcoholic and my life was a lot like this. I initially thought I didnt want to break the family up, that everyone coming from a broken home is damaged/i didnt want 50/50. However we split when children were 1. The push was him raising his hand drunk, and I realised I didnt want this as a role model for my children.

Im not saying it wasn't terrifying but 10 years later, hes sober and he remarried someone else. He never went for 50/50 as the drink ruled his life prior to this. Additionally the children love him and im very happy not being frightened anymore.

He is not a good father - good fathers don’t hurt the mother of their children.

Hes a nasty piece of work. And where do you get this 50/50 from? 50/50 isn’t in the interests of a child as young as yours are.

If you don't want to leave yet or can't you need to focus on SAFETY.

So avoid him when is drunk at all costs. If he ever does physically abuse you, record it on your phone and save those recordings in the safe folder on your Files which you can also hide with a pin. Document the incidents with dates and save those in the Safe Folder too.

Sometimes these things suddenly escalate so have a go bag with passports, id, some cash and clothes and hide it very well.

Get your own secret bank account and start putting a small amount of money in there.

Start counselling for yourself if you can.

Focus on your career, making good friends and doing things on your own with the children.

Put your name down on a housing list if you can do so.

Read Why Does He Do That? It's free online.

Trust your gut instinct in terms of whether you feel safe or if he will hurt you or the kids and if you think he will, get out of the house or away from him immediately.

Stay close to your family and build those connections back up if he has damaged them

None of this is your fault and you are not weak staying.

If you can leave before the youngest is 18, do so.

I am a social worker and have never seen a physically abusive father given 50/50 of the kids.

Reach out to women's aid for more advice as soon as you can.

It's scary and confusing and you are doing a great job. Stay strong!

Apologies if I’m oversimplifying things, but:

• you don’t want to split up if it can be avoided and there’s no indication that HE wants to split up
• you seem OK with the family/household situation APART from the abuse
• he "only" abuses you when he’s drunk
• you say he’s a good father, and the biggest danger to the children (and it's a very significant one) is the danger he poses to you, their mother - and what happens to them if he seriously hurts you or worse and they end up with NEITHER parent in their lives?

Isn’t the obvious solution his doing whatever it takes to stop drinking and never take a drink again - if willpower alone is not enough then therapy, AA, etc.? I'm not saying that this will cure his abuse, it may end up taking other forms, but it seems like the obvious place to start if you've completely ruled out leaving him for now. Has this been discussed; has he tried, is he willing to try?

People who are physically abusive toward their partners will often become physically abusive toward their children. Maybe not now whilst they're little, but do you think your husband would keep his temper around a 12yr old who gets into trouble or even just answers back?

If you’re not going to LTB then secretly sign up for karate classes and learn how to defend yourself. If you can start blocking and deflecting his punches then you can start defending yourself with attacks.

Even if he is bigger than you, knowing how to execute a well-placed punch or kick might make him think twice before hitting you again. If you can’t go to a class then watch some YouTube videos on how to defend yourself.

I wish more women would take up self defence, I know we shouldn’t have to, but it does come in handy.