I don't want to LTB...how to get through 15years

[Canyoutellme123]

Hi all, occasionally physically abusive relationship, never in front of the children, always alcohol related so could be avoided if actively try (ie I was out tonight with my friends, he was drinking on his own..I could just not drink). Children age 6 and 3. Legally he is a good farther, so albeit not having gone through this process before, but from reading Mumsnet and the "the judge starts with 50/50" and the "it's the best interest of the children to have 50/50" which in theory I agree with, what should I do???
I don't want to only see my children 50% of their lives.
I'm not quite sure what my question is... I don't think i want any LTB. Realistically I know that's the case, and I know that's inevitable. However I think my question is how do I cope with 15 years of this. In my mind I am just going to assume I am a single mum with the custody I in theory want... Try to "drop the rope" and fend for myself.
Ill be honest, can people who say LTB stay away from the thread, and can I please have realistic productive responses

Just because it’s not happening in front of the kids don’t assume it won’t affect them. A lot of well documented research to back this up now. Also it only takes one stray comment from one of your kids to a teacher at school and you’ll have social services on your back (although frankly it sounds like that might be necessary as you aren’t currently prioritising your kids).
I grew up in an eggshells house and made same poor choices twice for myself before finally getting free of it.
Still took me another 25 years to realise my choices were because my mum stayed (to be fair to her it was a lot harder in the 60’s and she couldn’t go back to her parents).
Don’t make the same error and get to your late 50’s before you join the dots.
there is a reason why we always advise it’s best to leave. It’s not frivolous advice.
But if you won’t protect your children now at the very least start gathering evidence and educate yourself about the long term effects of ‘silent’ domestic abuse on mental health outcomes.
I hope you find the strength.

You have received lots of advice so far. No one can make you leave your perpetrator, and many have already detailed the impact on children. If you choose to stay, no matter how long for, I would advise you to:

Tell someone. A professional or a friend.

Document all incidents, safely. Send an email to a new email address, delete the sent message, make sure the email and password aren’t saved to devices. Download a hidden app such as Bright Sky which looks like a weather app and has a journal feature and ability to add recordings and photos. Anything which enables you to safely store information.

Create a safety plan. Be mindful of danger hot spots such as the kitchen, and objects he could use as weapons. Keep a hidden basic phone (turn off emergency alerts). Keep cash and photocopies of important documents with this.

Teach your children how to call emergency services or use your phone to call trusted adults. Teach them their and your full names and addresses. Create a ‘helping hand’ or similar with them - draw around their hand, 999 in the middle, names of people who can help in the fingers. Clearly tell your children they can run to a neighbour in an emergency.

Encourage your children to be open and honest with trusted adults. Never ever minimise their fears or worries. Encourage them to talk about their feelings in general.

Never ever underestimate the harm - physically and mentally - this man can cause to you and your children.

But it is a case of LTB.

You're in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic which is severly damaging to both uou and your children.

Speak to wonen's aid, start logging & reporting all the abuse and building the case why 50/50 is dangerous.

He might get drunk, go too far and kill you. And then what will happen to your poor children?

Yes I had issues with my mother for years. It’s only since she ended up in hospital for 3 months a few years back and my dad’s mask slipped that I became fully aware of what she was living with.
He is very charismatic, manipulative. Has most people utterly fooled. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. My mum still doesn’t see it “but he’s only hit me a few times and he’s lovely after “ (he’s finished shouting etc). …. Until the next time.
She’s nearly 90 so nothing will change now.

it infected the whole family. My sister is an apologist for him, consequently I avoid them and only communicate with my mum by text most days now and see her when I can - although it’s problematic and being around my dad makes me physically ill nowadays.
the irony is that up until about 10 years ago I thought it was a normal family!

Most men don’t want 50-50 but trust me, you’ll do more damage staying in an abusive relationship than you would if you left. No-one wants their kids 50% but you must protect them from this environment.

He’s not a good father if he’s abusing you. Good fathers don’t hurt the mothers of their children because they know it impacts the kids.
if you’re going to stay you need psychological support. I know you don’t want to hear ltb, so you’re going to need a legal guardian in the event he seriously injures you or kills you to take care of the kids too. Because it will escalate.
dv charity too

Get out now. @Canyoutellme123 in a couple of years time you’ll have got over this, repaired the damage to your self esteem and sense of self worth and will be able to forge ahead with the life you deserve.

every day you put up with this, every day on egg shells is destroying your mental health and wellbeing. The more damage you’re subjected to, the longer it takes to heal. In 15 years there will be too much to heal.

your kids will see what’s going on, they will grow up to think that this is how relationships look

as bad as your life is, how bad will it be for you to watch THEM mirroring your relationship

one day you’ll not be there for them, is this the legacy you want to leave?

NOW is the time to go. Trust me. I’ve been there.

10 years I knew him, I left when DS was 5. I put a lot of work in to recover, but I knew I had to show my DS what good looked like.

Report the physical abuse to the police (it’s a crime). If you are physically hurt by anyone, report it to the police. Every time. Also take photos of any cuts and bruises. Hopefully you don’t need to leave anyone as eventually he’ll be taken away.

Also your children are being abused according to the law as they are living in a home where domestic violence takes place.

He’s not legally a good father. Why do you think that? He’s abusive and abuses alcohol

Very few women want to leave abusive relationships. That is why so many women stay.
Its not that they want to be in a relationship with him but they don't want to lose their home, lose their security, face custody battles, finding a a new home, being alone etc...

It gets to the point where they HAVE to for their safety or sanity.

Do you really want to wait years until its a life or death necessity rather than choice?

Could you give yourself 2 years, instead of 15? To save as much money as you can. Find a place? Make a plan?

You say 'never in front of the kids' but believe me, they know.

They live in the same situation as you. They will feel the tension.

This a great practical advice. You love your kids, you are trying to do what you think is best for them.

It's not easy to just 'LTB' for many reasons. The risk of being killed or seriously harmed is at its highest when you leave or are about to leave.

Planning and having everything organised is crucial to leaving safely.

I hope this thread is helping you OP to start thinking about a plan on how to leave rather than for you and your children to endure a 15 year sentence. It won't stop in 15 years as it will have a lifelong impact on you and your kids so really it's a full life sentence. Good luck.

Definitely this. Alcoholism isn't a static disease. He will get worse and his behaviour will become more extreme. You need to decide at what point you would be prepared to walk away.

And don't imagine your children are blind to this. The older they get, the more aware they will be. And it will have a permanent effect on them.

As others have said, get your plans in place. Protect your assets. Even if you're not leaving now, have savings in place, have a 'Go' bag in case you have to leave in a hurry. Make sure you have access to all of his financial information and also protect yourself by having your own finances locked down with no access for him.

In practical terms you ensure you are working full time and have a good pension and your own savings. Separate bank accounts if you can, or stash cash with a friend. That way if you change your mind or can’t take anymore there is a means to escape. Your youngest will have 30 nursery hours now so no reason not to. I’d go to counselling too and build your self esteem, ask the hard questions about why you accept this behaviour. Also from about 12/13 children “vote with their feet” as solicitors call it and a custody agreement would be unlikely to be enforced if they didn’t want to be with him.

Nobody should be encouraging you to stay OR leave, based on the limited amount you have shared here. For one thing, women can become even less safe when they try to leave, so this isn't advice that should be fling around lightly.

The suggestions of Women's Aid are good - from my understanding of their work they will not tell you what to do, but will talk you through your options and possible consequences, sources of support etc, with insight, kindness and no judgement. When I worked for Rape Crisis years ago we often supported women in your situation and we did not tell them what to do, we listened and made suggestions.

There's a lot of victim blaming going on here as well, with the implication that you are damaging your kids by staying. He is the one damaging them, and nobody else.

Mumsnet can be great for support on some topics, but unfortunately I think people sometimes have an excessive confidence in their ability to know what is best for a complete stranger. It comes from a place of care no doubt, and deep anger about the way you (and other women) are often treated.

But if you ar currently safe, the important thing and the best favour you can do yourself right now is to find some kind of professional support to sensibly and calmly review your options and the likely/possible consequences of the choices you might make.

"There's a lot of victim blaming going on here as well, with the implication that you are damaging your kids by staying. He is the one damaging them, and nobody else."

I understand this, that it is HIM being abusive but by staying she is facilitating her childrens involvement in it.

My FIL was an awful man and my DH has no relationship with him now and an extremely strained, almost non existent, relationship with his mother because he feels that she did not protect him and his siblings. He is sympathetic to the fact she was abused too but in his words 'I don't understand how she put herself through that for years knowing what he was doing to us and how we were losing our childhood. Being anywhere would have been better than being there with him"

He's had a lot of therapy and come to the conclusion that his feelings are valid and the fact that she was a victim too does not negate the fact that as a child he had absolutely no ability to remove himself from the situation, but she was an adult and did. But chose not to.

If you are asking yourself “how will I cope for 15 years” you are having doubts

my advice to you would be, leave now and don’t waste the next “15” or however many years

What are you actually expecting that people are going to say here? Because you can only control what is in your power to control and your partner's drinking and violence are not in that remit. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it, so basically your sole option is to learn to live with being hit. You'd have to be a pretty horrible person to seriously recommend that, even to an anonymous person on the internet!

Jeez op, you need to get out. Come on, you know this, don’t use the 50/50 thing as an excuse to stay and be abused. Your kids are getting damaged as are you. Years of this will take their toll and deeply affect your, and their, mental health. Please seek help and get away from this abuser. I’m really sorry you are in this situation - you can get out and make a better life for your kids.

This.
Start planning your escape.
Start by reporting the assaults to your doctor, creating a paper trail.
Talk to Women's aid.
You may have grounds to get him out of the house and restrict his contact.
Good fathers don't drink to excess and assault their childrens mother.

The OP doesn't specify who is physically abusive.

You've already said the answer yourself - stop drinking.

If she was the physically abusive one, would she be worried about the father getting 50/50?