I don't want to LTB...how to get through 15years

[Canyoutellme123]

Hi all, occasionally physically abusive relationship, never in front of the children, always alcohol related so could be avoided if actively try (ie I was out tonight with my friends, he was drinking on his own..I could just not drink). Children age 6 and 3. Legally he is a good farther, so albeit not having gone through this process before, but from reading Mumsnet and the "the judge starts with 50/50" and the "it's the best interest of the children to have 50/50" which in theory I agree with, what should I do???
I don't want to only see my children 50% of their lives.
I'm not quite sure what my question is... I don't think i want any LTB. Realistically I know that's the case, and I know that's inevitable. However I think my question is how do I cope with 15 years of this. In my mind I am just going to assume I am a single mum with the custody I in theory want... Try to "drop the rope" and fend for myself.
Ill be honest, can people who say LTB stay away from the thread, and can I please have realistic productive responses

Do you also want advice on how to get your children through 15 years of this? Or just you?
You might also need advice on how to get your children through a lifetime of difficulties, due to growing up in this environment, and modelling their future behaviour and relationships on what they grew up with.

What do you want to do after 15 years?

At the end of your 15 years sentence, you won't recognize yourself. All your confidence will have been eroded and the trauma bond will be even stronger. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. You won't leave.

Either your children will be removed from you and DH by social services or the emotional impact on them will be huge. The evidence of the outcomes of children exposed to domestic violence is pretty clear. They might ask why stayed when they are older. Also you have assumed that the court will say 50/50. They might not to someone who is abusive.

Don't put your children through this. Everytime he hits you, he is actually also hitting your children as they feel your hurt, they know what's happening. Would you want someone to treat your children how you are being treated?

Poor kids.

You and your children won't get through the next 15 years of living with a violent, abusive alcoholic unscathed. He will escalate, you will deteriorate, if you are lucky. If not, you could end up disabled or murdered by him. Your mental health and that of your children will be a shitshoq, with all the other issues that bring.

A pp suggested learning self defense, do you really want your children to grow up witnessing their parents physically fighting?

Give your head a wobble and do the right thing by yourself and your children. You know what the right thing to do is. Time to woman up and get going.

I seriously hope nobody is irresponsible enough to advise you how best to stay in an abusive relationship. You deserve better and your kids sure as shit dont deserve to be fucked up for life.

I was thinking this. Children seek relationships sinilar to what they saw growing up. You're teaching your children it's OK to he abusive/stay with an abuser.
You or they could end up dead
Please ltb
What a waste lf 15 years of precious life with a man like this (if you even make it, he could kill you)

Having children around domestic violence is child abuse even if they do not witness it. You love your children do not let them grow up in these circumstances.

You actually would have a better relationship with your children, both in their childhood and in their adulthood, if you did the right thing.
The right thing is to leave him.
Show your children what happiness looks like.. even if you only have then 50% of the time (I think you’d be reasonably likely to get more). 50% of your childhood with a happy mum in a safe and calm environment is better than 100% under the same roof as your mum but she’s depressed, everyone’s miserable and walking on eggshells around an abusive man, alcohol involved and everyone’s just hanging on for the sake of it - kids can’t wait to grow up and escape.
Start thinking long term about the best interest of you and the kids. You can rebuild everything still at this point but time is of the essence. Be brave.

Doing that for the next 15 years will simply destroy both you and your kids from the inside out.

You have a choice re him and they do not.

There is no way you will all come through unscathed these next 15 years if you were to stay with him for what are really your own self based reasons not based on actual fact.

Do you really think that such a man would at all
bother with his kids post separation and or
divorce?. No because they would interfere with his drinking. And as for 50/50 I have not seen any posts specifically stating what you have written.

He’s far more likely to see them every other weekend in a contact centre for a couple of hours.

Social services see DV as child abuse even if it's not against the children.
If you chose the abuser over the children then you are at risk of losing the children.
Think very carefully about this.
Use your time to build an income, network, safe money, escape bag, look up the freedom programme etc.

This is so sad.
I recently read a book about a woman with two children who is in a physically abusive marriage. She is afraid to leave him because he has gaslit her (and others) into believing SHE is the problem, and so is terrified she wont get custody.

Your post really made me think of this because at one point in the book, the character says "I just have to get through another 13 years" till her youngest is 18. Then 30 years later, in her 60s, she is still with him and going through hell.

Hopefully not in a box after an alcoholic induced rage.

Personally I'd be ringing the police after the next assault to build a case of why 50/50 isn't appropriate.

You will need to be strong and look after your mental health of yourself and your children. You need to hope your children don't model their own relationships later in life like the one they grew up in.
Please be safe OP.

@Canyoutellme123 I take it you won’t have anymore DC with him.

MN is an echo chamber of LTB, call the police, call woman’s aid, get your ducks in a row etc. etc, that is what you are going to get here.

You will also get the accounts of those that stayed and the devastating impact it had on their lives and accounts of the impact the abuse had on adults that were children at the time.

All of this is right and just information and advice. So you asking that those advising LTB do not post is unreasonable and is not going to happen.

Is there anything you can do to make this stop? If you take some defensive action, if you told him categorically that you will not be hit by him again, if you told him that if he hits you again you will call the police and do it (calling the police does not mean you have to LTB or automatically start divorce proceedings, but it does tell him he is on record, he is being watched, he risks arrest and prosecution. The responsibility for his actions becomes his and his only),
what would happen? Could having the police in your house and them treating him like the cowardly criminal that he is, become his wake up call.

I understand that any action you take could escalate the violence. Would this be the case?

I am sorry to say that this may give him the opportunity to leave you. It is not just the drink. He does not love you, he does not want to be in this relationship. He needs to
go.

By not calling the police he is being allowed to hit you and not being held accountable. This is not right. Who has that right? No one. You are a sovereign woman, mother and human being. He has no right to hit and abuse you.

As a mother it is also your No.1 priority / duty to protect your child and bring them up in a safe, loving and nurturing environment. Your home currently is not that place.

I am going to have to say it OP - LTB.

It depends. You can build a parallel life around him and just coexist. Learn self defence, there are classes for women. Stop drinking. Live as roommates.
Question is, can you live like this? You are the only one who can answer it.

Honestly, if I were you would call the police after the next assault, start building a case, so 50/50 is not possible because he's on file as a violent abuser and a drunkard. Learn self defense anyway.

Edited for typos

Picture this-In 15 years your kids will be 18 and 21. Bigger stronger and maybe taller than you. They may join in to abuse you.

Children can also take the side of the abuser as a mechanism to protect themselves. They will have seen you being treated as a thing to abuse and may not have any respect for you as well.

So you will have 3 people abusing you instead of 1. When you leave your DH then, will you also not see your children-the very children you wanted to see more than 50/50 15 years ago. The abuse won't stop after you leave as your lives will be even more entangled. The end result will be you won't leave.

Don't waste your life.

I'm sorry you are going through this - it's horrendous, and I understand you must feel completely trapped.

Can I urge you please to seek counselling/therapy/life-coaching? Some kind of professional to talk to. Ideally one with experience of DV.

They can help you sift through your emotions and fears, and examine your options.

Good luck. X

You have to call police when it happens and then there is a record of it that he can’t deny in court. Police should always be called if he is physically abusive to you.

If you’re ok with this relationship, then you are free to choose your stay.

However, your children have not chosen to be in an abusive relationship and it is cruel that you are both putting them through it.

Please look up the effect that DA has on kids - they don’t need to witness or be a target of physical violence themselves to be completely destroyed by it.

Think about why you don’t want him having 50/50 contact.
You must worry that he’s going to be abusive towards the DC which means he’s already shown signs of it.

If you really, really don’t want to separate then at least consider putting your DC into foster care or having a family member look after them if you and DH can’t.

Or in my case absolutely hate my mother for staying and not want anything to do with her.

I know rationally that it was my dad who was the problem (hate him too) but it has taken me many years not to absolutely despise my mum because she chose to stay.

She put her own feelings before her own kids.

You are doing exactly the same OP.

You are not protecting your DC by staying, you are destroying their lives.
One way or the other, they will likely hate you for it.

I have put up with lots of bad behaviour from my kids' dad as I was also worried about him having long periods of time with the kids unsupervised (he is a lazy manchild and doesn't properly supervise them, creating unsafe situations). It is not sustainable to stay and I'm currently organising myself to leave and will be going in the next few weeks. The violence can escalate, he will do other things which you will just have to put up with if you choose to stay at all costs and you will lose your sense of self as you sacrifice every need you have just to stay together.

It's highly unlikely he would get 50/50, or even want it. So many men talk a good game to intimidate you or to make themselves feel better / maintain public image. But the actual nitty gritty of being responsible for kids 50% of the the time, and everything that entails...only the best dads actually can do that and your "partner" is obviously not one of those.

I would stop trying to convince yourself to stay and look for ways you can get out.

Also, try a chat with Chat-GPT about your situation. It will logically go through each point and help you make sense of your situation, to help clear your thinking

I can see that despite making it clear you don't want to hear LTB that is all you have got here. I hope that doesn't stop you reaching out for help from places like Women's Aid and other services. They will not tell you what to do, they will listen and help you make sense of it. Best of luck.

You need to contact women’s aid for advice and you must not put yourself or your children through this for years. There are ways of doing it better to minimise risk, they will help you with this.

For everyone who says it’s never in front of the children- believe me they know.
Your children are learning what a role model of a parent is and it is that which they will take into their own relationships.
You can break the cycle by leaving him and your life and theirs will be so much better.

You know how you would do anything for your children? This is it. Its time to do it.
If you stay you are exposing your children to an abusive relationship. They will grow up thinking thats normal. They could go on to be abused themselves, or become abusers. You will have to live with that. You will be actively harming your children by staying. Abuse doesnt begin and end when violence is happening, they will be picking up on so many tiny little things you might not even see or understand.
You, for your children, need to be very brave and collect evidence and make police reports about the abuse, so that he does not get 50/50. Call Womens Aid for advice. Your children need you to get them out of there.

And sorry OP, I know you don't want LTB responses. But the honest answer is, there is no way to stay for 15 years without being absolutely miserable and becoming a shell of your former self. I know you are a loving mum worried about your kids and the time you have with them. I also tried the "separate lives in same house" thing and although I coped for a while, I gradually was absolutely worn down by living with someone with 0 respect and just "existing" in the house with someone who was not a decent human.

Start logging his behaviour. Messages/ incidents/ the jobs you do v him (to show yourself as the main carer for the kids)

I'm sorry as I truly understand what a hellish trap it is