Feeling jealous of partner's higher income despite separate finances

[Jollyranger10]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice or perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
My partner and I have been together for about 16 years, and we have two kids (ages 9 and 10). We’ve never shared a bank account or pooled all our money together. Instead, we split things up—he pays certain household bills, and I pay others.
He is self-employed, so his income fluctuates week to week, but most of the time he earns more than I do.
Lately, I’ve started feeling a bit jealous of his salary and the extra money he makes. The confusing part is that he isn't stingy with money at all, and I don't even want a single joint account where all of our earnings go into one pot for every bill to come out of. Retaining my own financial independence is important to me.
Still, the dynamic is starting to get to me internally, and I’m finding it hard to navigate these feelings. Has anyone dealt with income envy in a relationship while keeping separate finances? How did you work through the jealousy without upending a setup that otherwise works?
Thanks in advance for any insights!

Either try to earn more money or pool your finances as if you were actually married?

I'm sorry you feel jealousy, I would imagine there’s various CBT methods for getting past it.

Surely you could keep your own accounts but just have one account where all shared costs come out of? Are you splitting bills fairly?

Why don’t you find a way to increase your own income, if you’d like more money?

I have increased my salary and I do have money each month but he can make more than I make in a week in just two days.

So what exactly is it that you're jealous of and why? Does he spend more on frivolities, go out more, have better things, more savings?

Do you have equal and the same spending money? Because if you’re a family then you should do. If you don’t then it’s no surprise you feel resentful.

(Dh and I share all our income, he works and I don’t but I do have some disability benefits and inheritance; we pool everything and give ourselves equal spending money).

Can you retrain or add to your skill set to push up your earnings?

but most of the time he earns more than I do.
and the other times? You earn more or the same?

Keep your own accounts, agree on an amount for personal spending, keep that in your personal account and everything else goes in the joint pot. You can decide what you do with any excess in the JA together - put it towards a holiday, furniture, repairs, joint savings etc.

All bills come out the joint.

I have looked online I am trying to book in with someone as I don't want to feel this way I am waiting on them to come back to me.

@Jollyranger10I can relate a bit. My DH is at the top of an industry I burned out of before I got anywhere close to what he’s achieved. He currently earns literally over 10 times what I earned in my best ever year. I benefit from this as I was able to stop working (I have a joint condition that was getting worse and made desk work horrible), I’m going to be able to be a SAHM (I’m 16 weeks pregnant 💫) and various other pressures I was under when single are eased. But sometimes I still do feel like a bit of a failure in comparison. I’m not sure if you work in the same field, but is that something you can relate to?

I sometimes do think of what I would do if I also had his salary! But as with your partner he’s very generous. I think the human brain just naturally starts drawing comparisons, as an evolutionary thing making sure we are keeping up with the pack. Often though doesn’t leave us feeling great

We keep separate finances as I’m a US tax payer and it just gets complicated otherwise. He transfers me money every month.

I’m not sure having pooled finances necessarily would help with the envy factor though? Because I still wouldn’t feel like I could treat myself to the same degree with very large purchases without speaking to him not only because I haven’t earned it, and also because all money is going towards the life we are building together

One thing that has helped a lot though is having more of a buffer in my personal account so I am not always having to check my bank balance to ensure I have enough for XYZ and I feel like I have enough for what I “need” (including treats). If you feel like you’re always checking your personal accounts and having that worry, could you ask your partner if he could help out?

Things NOT to be jealous of - his income fluctuates, presumably as he is self employed if he gets ill and can't work he isn't paid, you probably have a work place pension and he won't.

Basically his job & income is more precarious & less stable because he is self employed.

Maybe think about that instead of feeling jealous that right now he seems to earn more.

He has always earned more he earns well and from a different routes so even if one wasn't so busy the others are. Just some more he gets better paid jobs but always more than me but quite a bit

What would happen if he had an accident or was ill and couldn't work?

You would rather have therapy than talk to your DH about a more equitable organisation of your finances? Is there a little more to this?

Do you have kids? (sorry just noticed you do!)

Who does the majority of housework and childcare?

Why would having a joint account mean losing financial independence? Do you mean you’re jealous of him when he earns more than you, but you don’t want joint finances in case he starts to earn less?

Not sure why anyone thinks counselling is the answer to this

I’ve been where you are @Jollyranger10 and it wasn’t just about the money, it was about feeling like he was doing so much stuff that I am not capable of doing.

I would’ve got past it, but the relationship didn’t last anyway. That was partly because he was quite pushy with me. He thought I was capable of doing a lot more work wise and I’m really not. It wasn’t serious so it kind of fizzled out, but I think he needed a woman who was a lot more successful!

If we had been better suited, I just would’ve learned to live with the feeling I guess. Also, your partner seems to be at peace with who you are. That wasn’t the situation with the guy I was seeing.

I’m sorry but I think that if your relationship is otherwise healthy, you need to try and get into perspective the fact that you have a lot to count your blessings for.

I think if you have financial stability and have no reason to be concerned that you’re about to become a lone parent, there’s plenty to be happy about :)

Are you sure it’s not about some other aspect of the relationship?

How do you sort expenses related to the children? Could he pay more towards those?

I am not sure that counselling is the solution either. What exactly are you jealous of? Has the extra money he earns turned into more investments, pensions, assets, travel, hobbies, treats or property for him rather than you or the children? Have you sacrificed your career to look after the family and he hasn't? A number in a payslip isn't the be all and end all- it's the disposable bit that matters in these circs seeing as you have appeared to have split the bills equitably- or have you?