Feeling jealous of partner's higher income despite separate finances

[Jollyranger10]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice or perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
My partner and I have been together for about 16 years, and we have two kids (ages 9 and 10). We’ve never shared a bank account or pooled all our money together. Instead, we split things up—he pays certain household bills, and I pay others.
He is self-employed, so his income fluctuates week to week, but most of the time he earns more than I do.
Lately, I’ve started feeling a bit jealous of his salary and the extra money he makes. The confusing part is that he isn't stingy with money at all, and I don't even want a single joint account where all of our earnings go into one pot for every bill to come out of. Retaining my own financial independence is important to me.
Still, the dynamic is starting to get to me internally, and I’m finding it hard to navigate these feelings. Has anyone dealt with income envy in a relationship while keeping separate finances? How did you work through the jealousy without upending a setup that otherwise works?
Thanks in advance for any insights!

Generally I’d agree but OPs posts suggest she has consciously chosen to be in flexible, lower paid work because she likes the balance it gives her in life. If that was her choice then good for her, but the pay off is that she has less money.

She also hasn’t said she’d like him to do more around the house, or for the kids.

He is already paying more of their shared expenses. Perhaps he resents paying more while OP has a nice work-life balance?

Yes, the problem is he is benefitting from your compromised career. He doesn’t worry about childcare and going away for two days. You’ve a job around childcare. It’s a massive imbalance that most people only agree to with the financial security of marriage. You’re earning power has been negatively detrimented by children.

You earned your pay, and i believe you should be happy for him. Anyone that is a love interest and they earn well is good.
I dated a girl that was a manager while was unemployed, but even though this was the case i paid for and offered to pay for stuff for her. I think your living large.

How do you not know if he has savings?

OP has not said she’d had an equal career that she was forced to compromise because he wouldn’t step up.

She has said she never wanted to leave her kids much, and she loves being able to go to all the school plays and so on.

She is rightly feeling worried that she’s left herself a bit vulnerable by being in lower paid work and not having pension provision. But that’s the pay off she’s chosen by wanting to be around for her kids so readily. Most women don’t feel they have that option, because they need to keep their careers going and pay into a pension.

What are the financial implications of you split up?

I just cannot get my head around being 16 years and two shared children into a relationship and still not behaving as a team. Because you simply cannot be a team of you don't work together towards shared goals in the most important aspects of life, including financial planning.

having only a few thousand pounds in my personal savings leaves me feeling vulnerable about the 'what-ifs' in life.

Why on earth should you feel individually vulnerable? Surely if misfortune hits, he will fully support you? The mother of his children??

Please tell me you have a pension and that you are contributing enough to it to enable and adequate income when you retire.

You are right to be unhapppy about it - your earning potential is restricted by being the default parent. His isn't. That's inherrently unfair.

Get additional joint account, pay both into it (proportionaly to your incomes or all-personal allowance) and use this method not only to pay bills, but also to build some shared savings.
You still should have your own account with some savings of your own, but the family money (where he would presumably pay more) should give you both the calm of "family savings" and a bit more left over on your side.

Btw, I don't understand marriage as "a piece of paper". It is a contract, contract between you two and the state (you declaring and state acknowledging some kind of responsibility for each other). You don't need to spend huge money for a wedding, you can go for a minimalistic version (registry office, only you and witnesses).

As others have said, marriage gives you rights under English law that you do not currently have if unmarried (there are moves afoot to change that but it may yet take many years). You share a household (hopefully, the house is jointly owned) and you have shared children so you should have pretty much equal security financially. It doesn’t have to involve joint bank accounts (DH don’t have them) but it should involve expenses being borne in a way which reflects ability to pay and you should have decent savings and pension also. You should be able to discuss these things with your partner.

Don't even need to do the wedding now - a civil partnership gives the same rights and protection.

I think OP is playing the "cool girl" card by saying she doesn't understand marriage because she isn't in a position to be married to this man - I think he knows perfectly well what he is doing...

Is marriage a possibility at all now? I don't mean the wedding but the legal part
As others have mentioned what happens if you split up or he passes away?

As PP have said, shared savings could be the solution. My situation is similar and the lack of shared savings is unfair. We are married but the accumulated wealth feels like just his. If I think it's time to size up or make a big family purchase I don't feel like I have a leg to stand on It makes me feel less significant and I think my confidence would be better if this were sorted. I don't know how I'd bring it up without sounding like I want all of his money. I understand how you feel

My marriage was a mirror of this.

Following many debates we wrote a list of all outgoings and opened a joint account and paid equally.
I got him to think it was his idea.
I was quids in.
But we did share after the bills