Feeling jealous of partner's higher income despite separate finances

[Jollyranger10]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice or perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
My partner and I have been together for about 16 years, and we have two kids (ages 9 and 10). We’ve never shared a bank account or pooled all our money together. Instead, we split things up—he pays certain household bills, and I pay others.
He is self-employed, so his income fluctuates week to week, but most of the time he earns more than I do.
Lately, I’ve started feeling a bit jealous of his salary and the extra money he makes. The confusing part is that he isn't stingy with money at all, and I don't even want a single joint account where all of our earnings go into one pot for every bill to come out of. Retaining my own financial independence is important to me.
Still, the dynamic is starting to get to me internally, and I’m finding it hard to navigate these feelings. Has anyone dealt with income envy in a relationship while keeping separate finances? How did you work through the jealousy without upending a setup that otherwise works?
Thanks in advance for any insights!

Thanks for the update. So as I suspected, your earning power is limited due to childcare responsibilities. I think part of your problem is that you have just fallen into this dynamic rather than making a conscious choice. The inevitable disparity in income comes about and you look around and wonder how it happened. I think you have some options. Firstly, you could look for alternative employment that will get you towards the kind of earnings you want to make. This may well not be child friendly so then you have a conversation with him about how you (2 people - both responsible) are going to make it work. From there you build up to a position where ultimately you have the income you want and are not envious. He will probably suffer financially as he makes sacrifices for his family.
Alternatively, you mentally reframe your situation - for you and for DH - that his contribution to your life is finances and yours is finances + homecare + childcare and that together both are equal. You may consider that being with your children is worth more to you than more money so actually you have the better deal and he should be envious of your better situation actually. You might even ask he pays for a cleaner as he is unable to do his share of contribution to housework, then your position is even more enviable as you get all the good bits of home life.

We are in a really good place. He loves his job, and mine offers incredible flexibility—I can take time off on an hour's notice, earn extra leave, and adjust my hours as needed. Because of this, we’ve never needed paid childcare or struggled to cover the kids, and I’ve never had to miss a school play or event. On top of that, I’ve recently taken on side work that brings in over an extra £400 a month.
We have a strong, relationship with no ongoing conflicts hardly argue and we’ve built a great life together. We’ve added significant value to our home through extensions, and after covering my expenses, I usually have over £500 left each month for savings or personal spending.
Despite all of these positives, I have an underlying anxiety that I'm struggling to shake. Because my husband is self-employed and earns more, I know he can save at a much higher rate than I can. I’m naturally a worrier, and having only a few thousand pounds in my personal savings leaves me feeling vulnerable about the 'what-ifs' in life.
I know, rationally, that we are fortunate and that I have a wonderful balance between work and family life. Yet, I feel a weight of financial insecurity and a touch of envy over our saving capacities. I want to learn how to reframe these feelings, appreciate everything we’ve built, and find practical ways to manage this anxiety so I can feel secure about my own future.

I can really see your perspective, U can see why you think there 'no problem', but your savings should be joint, whether you maintain separate accounts or not. All money is family money when you are married. That's what is making you feel vulnerable.

Are you married? You refer to him as partner so I assume not?

Not married no

I understand OP. Even without the childcare responsibilities this would be difficult.

I have a set up with my partner (at his insistence) that we have a bank account for joint “spends”, we also save a portion of this for holidays etc the logic being that as the lower earner, if I suggest a trip or meal out or whatever it’s with money out of the joint pot rather than feeling like a)I’m asking him to pay for it or b) I have to wait for him to suggest or offer.

We pay into the pot proportionally to what we earn, so if his income fluctuates maybe you could pay a set amount and your DP could pay a set % of whatever he earns that week/month?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong for feeling that way! So don’t beat yourself up.

I didn’t realise you are not married in my original post. That makes things fitter then. He is saving money by using your free (childcare) labour. I would suggest he pays a much higher proportion of bills - maybe all of them and some money on top - to enable you to save at an equal rate.

It doesn't sound like you communicate enough about finances. You're assuming he has savings in the event of being too ill to work, but don't actually know? Can't see how you can manage shared financial commitments without that level of basic information.

I bet you're doing way more housework than him so he can work longer hours to line his own pockets.

Madness.

You can’t come to terms
with it because it is inherently unfair. He could earn less than you and your situation would still be unfair because he isn’t doing his share of the childcare and household duties.

You are subsidizing his earning capacity by sacrificing your own. He should be compensating you for this.

How do your jobs compare for pensions? Sometimes self employed people don’t really have much of a pension planned. Not good for him if he hasn’t planned for the future. But it might make you a little less envious of his position.

I can relate OP. Sounds very similar to my setup (although we are married), but many posters on here have suggested it's unfair on me and possible financial control (im not saying thats your situation). I earn very little on a part time minimum wage, and have no savings or hardly any money at the end of the month. My H earns more than the average wage a month and is successful, and has money to fall back on. We don't have joint bank acounts either. I understand how you feel about feeling anxious about the future, I do, and at times feel resentful. yanbu to feel this way.

Thanks for the reply. I never wanted to leave the kids much but I've been lucky with the job I've found where I can do a full time job and still pick the kids up most of the time or just do after school club. If I were in your position I'd try find something full time and salary saving for yourself a bit how old are your kids x

I know he pays in to a pension he has told me before. Plus I know he will also have savings as he does numerous jobs a week and just one would be nearly what I get in a whole week. He also is mostly always busy. I do all the housework as I enjoy it is good excercise and I'm up super early so have done everything by the time the kids get up. He does a lot of diy round the house.

There has to be a reason why you’re jealous.
Could it stem from feeling a bit insecure in the relationship as you’re not married? You shouldn’t feel like you’re in competition with your own partner.

I’m was in this situation and it’s all fine until it isn’t.

Turns out my ‘D’P thinks I don’t work hard because I sit at a desk all day, doesn’t think he’s benefited from me doing the vast majority of childcare/housework over the years, doesn’t think I sacrificed my earning potential to the benefit of his. He does think me working is ‘my choice’ despite us not having joint finances. And he does think I should leave with basically nothing. Oh, and he does think I’m a gold-digger who’s only interested in his money, despite not actually having his money.
In recent years he has thought this every time we disagree. The most recent episode is because he ‘didn’t like my tone.’

He is, or was, also generous with money. But it was always his money.

Are you still together? Can't tell from your post? Was his job physical compared to yours? X

No I can't say marriage has ever appealed to me I feel like it is just a piece of paper and can't believe how much some people spend on weddings. I don't know what's making me feel like this. Maybe its because I just have nowhere near saved as much as I would like but I will have to keep trying x

My DH had a higher income than me, so he paid more towards our living expenses. We had our own accounts and a joint account for the bills. We had roughly the same amount of spending money. To me this is the fairest way, otherwise you’re more like flat mates than partners.

When my DH died, having a joint bills account was so helpful. When your partner dies you have more than enough on your plate so knowing that the bills account would just keep paying the bills was a godsend.

This is a tricky one. If you’ve truly made active choices to have a lower earning job because you value the flexibility and time with your kids it affords, then I think you have to find a way to come to terms with the flip side of that choice: you have less money than he does. It’s a controversial view on here, but I don’t think a higher earning partner is obliged to share their money with the lower earning (after bills are sorted), except where eg one partner is unable to work through ill health.

On the other hand, if you feel he never really gave you any choice in the matter, for example by saying he was unwilling to split costs and arrangements for childcare, then you are right to feel aggrieved.

What did you do before you had kids? Did you have a career with good prospects that you gave up (whether by choice or not), or have you always been in lower paid work than him?

We are still living together but in the process of separating.
His job is more physical than mine.

Don't confuse a marriage and a wedding

many many things are just 'pieces of paper' I assume routing felt eg that your mortgage agreement is just a piece if paper

Do you own your home in both names?

Do you have wills which leave your assets to each other?

If the answer to these is no, you need a marriage (no need for a wedding). It's the rest of your life which is the important bit, not a party.

Well there you go. You’re anxious because you have very little in savings yourself and he has loads facilitated by your taking the kids more and being in a flexible lower paid job.

His savings are build on your labour and yet if you break up you’re not entitled to anything he’s saved.

This is why people get married

It’s just a piece of paper that gives you rights to his savings if he leaves you or dies. Without that piece of paper you won’t even inherit from him (unless he’s made a will).