Boyfriend still fixated on ex and I no longer trust him

[CeceMadame]

Not sure what's going on here, will try my best to explain my feelings.

Have had a weird suspicious feeling about my boyfriend not being entirely honest with me lately. We've been seeing each other for two years come February 2027. There have been a few gaps in that time where we've fallen out. He wasn't the best communicator initially, he would withdraw into himself and become very passive if we had a disagreement initially, but that has improved a lot as we have got to know each other better. I am usually quite direct if I have a problem, I can, however, fester for a day or so but then I have to sort things out. He definitely would rather pretend the issue isn't there. And there was.... is maybe still.. an issue.

So, one of the biggest problems at first was he seemed to be hankering after his ex girlfriend. It ended in 2020, I think they were together for no more than 18 months if that. I noticed he was liking her Instagram photos and following her on FB. We fell out massively over it, mainly because he was also mentioning her a lot in conversation. If I said I had been on a walking holiday, he'd immediately say, "Oh yes, Angela and I used to walk in some lovely places". So he stopped following her on social media. It wouldn't have felt so bad if he hadn't been talking about her all the time. It's 2026, we've been together a while and I found it quite hurtful. Also the look on his face and how his voice really softened when he referred to her showed he still had feelings for her.

Fast forward to Christmas and he was doing it again. Liking and following her. I ended it in January this year and it was at least 6 weeks before I could even bring myself to talk to him about it again as I was done. I ran into him in town and realised I still had feelings for him and wanted it to work. We sat down and discussed it and he said he wanted to try again.

So here we are in September. And for most of August, my gut has been screaming at me. A week or so ago, we were at his house, having a few drinks and he picked up his phone to show me a funny video. Up popped a photo of her and from the looks of his gallery, more like 100 photos of her. I asked him why he still had all the photos after what we had agreed and he said he was sorry but he didn't know what to do every time he looked at them.

I then felt like the controlling girlfriend, as if I was being unaccepting of his past. Everyone has one. I really didn't like him saying "every time I look at them" though.

This "Angela" is very arty, paints and makes things, ornaments, jewellery. Earlier today he sent me a FB video, some crafty FB page showing how to stitch a perfect cushion cover. It was definitely meant for someone else, not me. I make cakes, I can draw, but I'm an outdoorsy woman and not someone who spends her spare time making cushion or couch covers! And guess who is....

My alarm bells are ringing now. He promised me he isn't talking to her again. But the video was not meant for me. He's just sent me a photo of myself in his kitchen from last year when I'd had quite a bit of prosecco. Interestingly this is exactly what he did last time I called him out on the Angela issue. Sent the same photo.

Not even sure if I'm asking anything here, just fed up and confused.

Late forties.

Why? We met early February 2025.

Most people would probably say "We've been together for about a year and a half."
Anyway, I think you know that he's still totally hung up on her so you should end it. I'm not getting that much from your post about you liking him all that much anyway? Or the relationship being good in other ways.

Sorry, English is my second language, I'm French.

We’re still quite a long way off February 2027. So you’ve been dating for about 18 months. But 18 months is still a reasonable chunk of time.

And yes, given the relationship with his ex ended in 2020 and they were only together for about 18 months (so there aren’t decades of shared life and memories/shared children etc), i think it’s reasonable to be miffed that she still seems to occupy so much of his time, attention and thoughts. It does sound like you’re second best for him and that’s no good at all.

Sorry, yes, English is my second language, I still make mistakes and sound clumsy! Also my Dad is Polish so I can get very confused 😂

OP, you are wasting your time.
Actions not words count.
Whatever he tells you, his actions clearly indicate he is still into her.
Don't be wasting any more of your time on him.

No idea why people are picking up on how you write . Regardless he is disrespecting you . You deserve better than being second best - we all do , and whilst you put up with this man you stand no chance of meeting someone who sees you as their ‘Angela ‘

You're wasting your time, he loves another, love yourself, you deserve to be the centre of someone's world, sorry it's never going to be his.

I think you say “two years in February” because you want it to sound like you’ve been together longer.

In any event. You date to get to know someone. You spend time with each other to see if the initial chemistry transforms into a loving relationship. You take holidays and see if you like the person when you’ve had a delay and not slept. If they deal well under pressure. If they are kind when up against it.

What I’m saying is you’ve put in the time and worked out he is not for you. He is not all in for you. Move on.

You need to walk away, he's obviously still hung up on his ex. Stop wasting your time with him.

Putting the reason(s) to one side, there seems to be a lot of angst, falling out and arguments for an only 18 month relationship.
I would walk away and go cold turkey. Then you have a chance to meet a man who does not bring angst to your life.

The angst is mainly because of the endless references to Angela and the empty promises.

Well, good question.

I recently had quite a trauma, lost my best friend last year to untreated diabetes, it was basically a suicide. I think I've been looking for something... someone to cling to. Maybe I have complicated grief or something... and I'm hanging onto this person as I feel a bit lost.

Work is unsatisfying but I'm about to start retraining in a very different field that I've always wanted to get into.

I don't have any children. I have a sister and brother who live miles away and are rarely in touch, but I do have other friends, but the loss of my closest friend has been, and continues to be, very hard.

Yes life is too short and as another commenter commented further up, I need to be able to meet someone who sees me as their "Angela". I've felt like the second choice from the start if I'm brutally honest with myself.

Time to go your separate ways, you don’t sound suited.

Because February is months away, almost a third of the time you've been together - in fact more than that, as you said you'd broken up a few times and there had been gaps.

Find to add six months if you've been together for decades, but not after a year and a half!

Honestly, 18 months is nothing, especially when there have already been periods where you've split up or fallen out. The first year or two of a relationship is usually the easy bit. It's when you're still in that loved-up phase, overlooking each other's flaws and finding things endearing rather than irritating. It's the stage where even the annoying noises they make while eating somehow don't drive you up the wall.

This man has been showing you who he is from the outset. The mistake is thinking he'll become someone different. My ex-husband and I had an incredibly turbulent start. There was lots of weirdness, suspicion about possible cheating (never actually proven), and he was clearly still hung up on an ex. For reasons I still can't fully explain, I ignored all the red flags and carried on. Fast forward 15 years and he had a long-term affair and left. Looking back, the patterns were there right from the beginning. The person he was at the start was the person he turned out to be.

I'm now remarried and the difference is extraordinary. Our relationship has never had that same level of drama, uncertainty or emotional turmoil.When people say "when someone shows you who they are, believe them", it sounds like a cliché. But in my experience it's absolutely true.

He's showing you who he is. Believe him.

I think you know that he isn’t the man for you and you deserve far far better. But it also sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly tough time this year so perhaps you are hanging on to him because you want a little stability in your life and that’s completely understandable. But this man isn’t it. He’s clearly not emotionally available and he’s going to continue hurting you and damaging your self-esteem.

Because February 2027 is six months away and you've been seeing each other for 18 months, not two years.

You've been seeing him for 18 months and by your own admission there have 'gaps' in that time where you've 'fallen out', so you have not, in fact, been seeing him even for as much as 18 months, let alone two years.

Either way, it all sounds like a shit show. You've had multiple fallouts and you don't/can't trust him and he obviously isn't prepared to erase the existence of his ex for you, so there's no future in this. It's beyond unhealthy.