Boyfriend still fixated on ex and I no longer trust him

[CeceMadame]

Not sure what's going on here, will try my best to explain my feelings.

Have had a weird suspicious feeling about my boyfriend not being entirely honest with me lately. We've been seeing each other for two years come February 2027. There have been a few gaps in that time where we've fallen out. He wasn't the best communicator initially, he would withdraw into himself and become very passive if we had a disagreement initially, but that has improved a lot as we have got to know each other better. I am usually quite direct if I have a problem, I can, however, fester for a day or so but then I have to sort things out. He definitely would rather pretend the issue isn't there. And there was.... is maybe still.. an issue.

So, one of the biggest problems at first was he seemed to be hankering after his ex girlfriend. It ended in 2020, I think they were together for no more than 18 months if that. I noticed he was liking her Instagram photos and following her on FB. We fell out massively over it, mainly because he was also mentioning her a lot in conversation. If I said I had been on a walking holiday, he'd immediately say, "Oh yes, Angela and I used to walk in some lovely places". So he stopped following her on social media. It wouldn't have felt so bad if he hadn't been talking about her all the time. It's 2026, we've been together a while and I found it quite hurtful. Also the look on his face and how his voice really softened when he referred to her showed he still had feelings for her.

Fast forward to Christmas and he was doing it again. Liking and following her. I ended it in January this year and it was at least 6 weeks before I could even bring myself to talk to him about it again as I was done. I ran into him in town and realised I still had feelings for him and wanted it to work. We sat down and discussed it and he said he wanted to try again.

So here we are in September. And for most of August, my gut has been screaming at me. A week or so ago, we were at his house, having a few drinks and he picked up his phone to show me a funny video. Up popped a photo of her and from the looks of his gallery, more like 100 photos of her. I asked him why he still had all the photos after what we had agreed and he said he was sorry but he didn't know what to do every time he looked at them.

I then felt like the controlling girlfriend, as if I was being unaccepting of his past. Everyone has one. I really didn't like him saying "every time I look at them" though.

This "Angela" is very arty, paints and makes things, ornaments, jewellery. Earlier today he sent me a FB video, some crafty FB page showing how to stitch a perfect cushion cover. It was definitely meant for someone else, not me. I make cakes, I can draw, but I'm an outdoorsy woman and not someone who spends her spare time making cushion or couch covers! And guess who is....

My alarm bells are ringing now. He promised me he isn't talking to her again. But the video was not meant for me. He's just sent me a photo of myself in his kitchen from last year when I'd had quite a bit of prosecco. Interestingly this is exactly what he did last time I called him out on the Angela issue. Sent the same photo.

Not even sure if I'm asking anything here, just fed up and confused.

Controlling his behaviour won’t make his feelings disappear

You must always listen to your gut, and in this case there's a lot more than your gut to go on.

There's just point continuing the relationship. He's being repeatedly dishonest and holding a candle for another woman for years and years.

This reminds me of a book I read years ago (I want to call it My Legendary ExGirlfriend or something of that nature). It was a late 90s sort of male Bridget Jones but was a really good read about how some people can just get under your skin and never get out if you have things left unresolved with them. He needs to deal with his feelings for her before he is capable of loving and committing to you. Move on, there are better people out there ❤️

Why are you putting up with this crap, OP? And why would you continue with a guy who clearly likes someone else better than he likes you?

These are the questions you need to ask yourself (as well as where is your self respect). Sorry.

I am so very appreciative of all the replies and support, the people who have taken the time to advise me.

It appears to be a fairly unanimous opinion about what I need to do.

I had a busy weekend, ended up meeting with a good friend from the gym and we had drinks and dinner at a gastro type pub not far from where we live and probably had a few too many drinks given our headaches the following day, but let my hair down and didn't give too much thought to him or to b@@@y Angela.

I was out with my cousin shopping earlier and we ran into him. I said let's sit for 5 minutes, he knows my cousin a little, they were chatting about man stuff, then his phone rang and he was super cagey about it. I asked was it important, was it his daughter, did she need him. He put it through to voicemail and then shoved it into his pocket. He said I'll ring you later.

Nothing. Around 9 pm I get a text to inform me that he has met up with his brother apparently and he bought him dinner and now he's back home. I should point out that his brother lives around 300 miles away and was only just visiting around 4 weeks ago, if that. I replied to say hello, then he was on and off Whatsapp until close to midnight without bothering to contact me again. Not his normal behaviour.

My cousin thought he was acting very secretively with his phone. I'm so fed up feeling like this. This week it ends.

It sounds like it was Angela calling him, they met up for dinner, then who knows what happened, then they parted but kept messaging each other on Whatsapp till late. Most likely about the great evening they had etc etc.

This is clear cut now, he will disappear from horizon soon anyways but will come back if Angela drops him and if you let him.

Drop him, i’d send a rather cold message ‘hey Twat, unfortunately i won’t be seeing you again, I came to realise this is not for me and therefore i am wasting my time going any further. Best of luck going forward’.

Honestly, I’d trust your gut here. Maybe you two could try one of those love calculator compatibility things based on your dates of birth, just for fun. It might give you a little clarity and reassurance, but ultimately his actions and honesty matter the most.

I think so too.

I spoke with him last night. I asked him what his brother was doing here for one day (he lives a good few hours away), where was he staying and when was he going back. He said he wasn't sure, a meeting or "something", that he was "probably heading back tomorrow". This was a phone conversation so I couldn't see his face. I find it incredibly hard to believe that he would be here for a supposed meeting that could be conducted via video call.

The last time he visited, such a song and dance was made about looking forward to seeing him - which was in fact only a few weeks ago, maybe one month now - and since we have been together, he has visited three times. I was never invited to meet him on the other occasions though, which is interesting. I do wonder if the last time it was Angela, his brother and sister were only around for one day, they were heading off to visit other relatives and staying in a hotel.

Note here that Angela also lives a few hundred miles away. Yes, it was a long distance thing that he is still hung up on. She lives in the borders of Scotland apparently. And this morning he sent me a Scottish video, some joke about alcohol. I think that was meant for her or she sent it to him.

He said on the phone that he had missed my voice, we would have to have a meal together soon. I plan to go and get the bits and bobs that I have left at his place and tell him why I'm done. I hate doing anything by text, or even phone call. Whether he is being cruel to me or not, I won't sink down to his level of behaviour.. But I know in my gut, plus the way he had zero information to give me last night, that he met with her, she is probably at a hotel in the area still for all I know.

Why on earth are you drawing out this painful situation?

He’s clearly still in love with her , wohld be gone like a shot if she’d have him back. You must end it - it will destroy you and you will lose every last shred of self esteem if you don’t.

So he spent an evening with his brother (and it sounds like it’s a big deal when he comes down), had a meal, chat but has no specifics to report? It’s because there are no details to give as his brother wasn’t visiting and BF was too slow to think on his feet when you asked.

The video he sent relates to Scotland, Angela is near there so i doubt it’s accidental. Perhaps he forwarded it to you both.

It sounds like he is with you because you are close and available for whatever he needs (sex? companionship?) but he keeps in touch with her as it’s her he really wants (sorry if this is unpleasant to hear). He can’t have her the way he’d like (as a relationship) so you fill in the gap.

I admire your wish to be open and tell him exactly why you are now over just be prepared to get disappointed. I think he will deny and lie to you and say you are imagining things. You probably won’t get clarity. But i think your gut is 100% spot on, dont let whatever he says make you doubt yourself.

You know, maybe there is a little part of me that wants to say to his face, I know what you're doing. Maybe childish, like I want to get my own back in some way.

Best thing to do is to walk away with my head held high, I know. This weekend I will be free to get my things and draw a final line under this ridiculous situationship.

Gently, I think you may want to find someone whose emotional capital isn’t being spent on his ex girlfriend. It isn’t making you feel good and he seems unable to let it go. I’m afraid that says to me that he isn’t as wholly into you as you deserve. You can find someone for whom you are no.1, front and centre, who cares enough for you that they wouldn’t dream of hurting your feelings by staying in regular contact with their ex.,

I suspect he’s using you as for whatever reason -distance/ other relationship- she’s not fully available.
So don’t be his stopgap. You take control and end it now.
And the night out with your friend sounds really positive, I’d book a few more nights out like that.

You sound like a lovely person who has given way too much time and thought to this man. Just stop all contact. Block him as he is using and abusing you. You owe him nothing, no further conversation, discussions or explanations.

He is constantly playing with your emotions and your mental health. Take control, be strong. Let him be the one who is left guessing, that is if he cares at all.

Ignore the rude responses like @Bargarran and others. Ignorant and p*ss taking behaviour.

Having face-to-face closure just gives him more attention than he deserves.

Block and move on, for the love of god

So. I decided to speak with him, arrived at his place yesterday evening and he was totally shot from work, clearly wasn't in a mood for a serious conversation.

He said oh, I really could do with a shower. I said fine, we'll talk when you come back downstairs. We were sitting in the lounge and his phone was on charge in the kitchen. He went to get it, put it in his pocket and was really flustered, muttered some comment about needing to check if his daughter was going to call him while he was upstairs. I just said, what.. while you're in the shower?

Up he went, took the phone into the bathroom and whilst I was sitting downstairs, went onto Whatsapp and was doing something for a few minutes.

When he came back down, I told him he had no need to hide his phone and of course he denied moving it out of my way. He NEVER does that. I said I was too tired to argue, have had enough and walked out.

He's tried to call but I've blocked him now.

There had also been an incident the other week that I forgot to mention. We were out in the pub with a group of friends and one of them asked us how and when we met. He just sat looking at his phone and said nothing. I said, OK, how about you tell them. He gave completely the wrong date and said nothing at all about how I had approached him and how romantic it was.

He dropped my hand when I went to hold it as well.

On this particular evening, we were discussing whiskey... yes... Scottish single malts came up of course, and one in particular is loved by one of our friends, and he said "Oh... I used to know someone who loved that whiskey".... and looked very wistful.

I asked him afterwards and he made something up on the spot, said some "man he used to know used to buy boxes of it". What a load of crap..... he clearly was thinking about Angela.. again.