Is anyone else's mother like this?

[stuffedanimalsandchocolate]

My mum is not the warmest woman in the world, to put it lightly! It's difficult to even have a conversation with her, for multiple reasons I won't go into here, but I wanted to ask if anyone else's mother uses texts to purely exchange information rather than chit chat in a more conversational/intimate way.

She texts me fairly often but it's always just pure information -- your brother has bought a new car. The dog is going to the vets. etc. It's a bit jarring. There's no how are you, hope everything is going well etc etc

The other day she texted me asking when our holiday was. I said the dates, then said we were excited about going, planning to do x specific thing, see x specific historical site, and eat x local food. Kind of hoping she would pick up one of these conversational threads and we could have some friendly back and forth. Just showing some interest basically.

Response? Thumbs up emoji.

I don't know if she's not happy for me, if she's plain not interested, or what.

I know people are likely to say she's from an older generation so isn't used to texting like we would but I really think it's her personality that is causing this, not a lack of understanding about digital comms.

She is using messaging to convey information
I don’t see anything wrong with that
do you see and speak with one another regularly?

It would be odd if you see each other once a year and never speak!

Sounds a little bit like me ! I hope my daughter dosen’t think this way.
Its just snippets.
Honestly, she would probably find it easier to call.
How fast does she type?

She texted you asking when the holiday was

You responded and added loads of info she hadn’t asked for. As a mother, I would have loved this and absolutely asked follow up questions, but clearly your mother is not and has never been like that. Hardly likely to change now!

It depends on age I suppose. She grew up likely in an era with absolutely no mobile phones and people had conversations instead.

in the era where text messaging his killing conversations and people use it instead of actually having a face to face meet up or a phone call you feel differently.

She uses it for a different purpose than you.

She's not old! She's only in her fifties

It just feels a bit hurtful to me to try and start a friendly conversation and be rebuffed

Is she autistic?

My dad's like this, never any followup questions. Just info about himself. I dont think textings an excuse because he's like it in person as well, is she like this in person?
And then when I dont bother telling him things about my life, because he doesnt show any interest anyway (other than 'how are you?' And 'how's work?' And literally ONLY those two questions, never any followup) he gets annoyed at me.

I have wondered this

But it’s never been any different surely? Unfortunately you seem to have got the short straw when it came to interested
mothers!

Silver lining… you will presumably make much more of an effort with your own children

Does the conversation flow differently if you speak with her, either in person or on the phone?
That will tell you if it’s her personality or the medium of communication that’s causing this.

That’s what I’m trying to establish

how often do you see her in person @stuffedanimalsandchocolate ? Do you ever talk on the phone?

And how is it when you actually chat with each other?

I am very much like this and I'm in my mid 50s you've got to remember that we didn't grow up with mobile phones so we mainly think of them as ways to exchange information.

Fortunately my boys are all the same so nobody gets their feelings hurt in our family.

And I'm very definitely not autistic so it's not necessarily that.

I'm like this tbh. I hate texting back and forth. Unless she's like this in person, it's just differing communication styles.

That would be an amazingly friendly conversation by my mother's standards.

Fortnightly phone calls, the conversation always goes
Mum: Hello, how are you?
Me: I'm fine thank, are you ok?
Mum: yes, how is DH?
Me: He's ok
Mum: And how are the children?
Me: Also ok
Mum: And have you been going anything interesting recently?
Me: Nothing special really. we did go to x place on Saturday ...
Mum: <cuts me off> I'll pass you over to your father

So she does do the conversational niceties but almost by rote with no interest in the answers. So that's sort of like your mum but different?

(For those who are interested, if I offer up a more descriptive answer to "how are you", the conversation still proceeds in this way. I stopped doing it after I''d said "I've had a nasty infection and been in bed all week" and she said "oh that's good, how is DH?" )

You ask one question. One.

She asks multiple

I'm in my 50s and if I asked anyone when their holiday was and I got a long reply about what they were planning to do once there the most they'd get from me would be a 'I hope you enjoy it' or a thumbs up emoji if I was really short of time.

Life's to short to be typing out long text convos!! If they're that desperate to tell me they can phone up or come round. Your mum probably can't understand why you just don't phone her up.

Also, I'm not autistic 😂

We don't really talk on the phone much, maybe a few times a year. See each other a few times a year as we live far away from each other. In both circumstances she's a very dominant conversational partner, talks mostly about herself so I don't feel she's much interested in me in general otherwise

So not remotely close
and she’s always been like this

Do you have kids? How far do you live from her?

You're absolutely right. She cuts across me before I finish speaking. I don't get the chance to ask any questions. And when I do get a question in, I get a monosyllabic response. Conversation is not the art of firing questions at one person and not listening to the answers.

So you’re not close ? How often do you see one another in person?

That would annoy me too.

Yes my mum does this but it reflects her conversational style. She only talks about herself in statements. No interaction, her eyes glaze over when I respond as she isn’t listening. She can’t show any interest in another persons life. It’s depressing.

How do you cope with it? For me it's painful each time as its a reminder of the mother-daughter relationship we don't have