Is anyone else's mother like this?

[stuffedanimalsandchocolate]

My mum is not the warmest woman in the world, to put it lightly! It's difficult to even have a conversation with her, for multiple reasons I won't go into here, but I wanted to ask if anyone else's mother uses texts to purely exchange information rather than chit chat in a more conversational/intimate way.

She texts me fairly often but it's always just pure information -- your brother has bought a new car. The dog is going to the vets. etc. It's a bit jarring. There's no how are you, hope everything is going well etc etc

The other day she texted me asking when our holiday was. I said the dates, then said we were excited about going, planning to do x specific thing, see x specific historical site, and eat x local food. Kind of hoping she would pick up one of these conversational threads and we could have some friendly back and forth. Just showing some interest basically.

Response? Thumbs up emoji.

I don't know if she's not happy for me, if she's plain not interested, or what.

I know people are likely to say she's from an older generation so isn't used to texting like we would but I really think it's her personality that is causing this, not a lack of understanding about digital comms.

My mum does this and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I hate pointless chit chat over messages. I am also a person who doesn't start every email with "Hello X, hope you are doing well and enjoying sunny weather"... I just get to the point. That's not a reflection on my relationships with people, I am happy to talk to them on the phone or in person but messages and emails are a way to relay information. I am slightly younger than your mother but, I guess, still closer to her generation than to yours.
My relationship with my mum is fine. Is she my best friend? No. I don't need her to be. In times of crisis I now she will be there. She won't support with emotional warmth but she will do absolutely everything in her power to help in other ways. There is no point getting upset about what our relationship looks like. It is simply what it is. I have a loving partner and good friends to fill any gaps.

As I have lived quite far from my parents for a long time now, the conversations will only flow well if there is common ground. My DM talks about her friends, whose names I know, but not usually a great deal about them. Sometimes they are friends who were 'Auntie Lynn' (etc) when I was around the age of 4 but I have very little recollection of 'Auntie Lynn' and son 'Tony' (then maybe about 2) now, and probably not a lot, then either. But DM will talk animatedly and think that my connection is somewhere on the same plane as hers.

If you'd given her holiday information, it might make a difference as to whether it was about somewhere she knew a bit about, or probably wouldn't have had much knowledge of, even though it would be polite to try to appear interested. I've also found that my DPs find it hard to understand and follow through school/homework/non-negotiables from childcare settings like 'bring named water and a sunhat' if they are in contact with big time gaps in between their visits or similar.

No. Mine never texts except vacuous replies. I’ll send info, photos etc and get ‘lovely’, ‘that’s nice’ , ‘wow’. And nothing else.

I grew up in an era with no mobile phones, and I'm perfectly capable of having a lovely conversation with my adult dc (and anyone else) by text.

It is nothing to do with her age.

Some people come across terribly in text messages. Very short, abrupt but wonderful in person.

How is she in real life?

She sounds like my mother, very self involved, and just not really interested in other people.

My DM is very much like this. Phone calls and texts are mainly information dumps. I strongly suspect autism for this and other reasons.

These are clearly tricky mother / daughter relationships with a history of not being close. So messaging is surely just a continuation of how they are in RL?

Tbh, she sounds a bit of a self absorbed prick. Sorry op. Do try not to be hurt by it xxx

OP I have come to the conclusion my mother is undiagnosed and I am navigating this. She 100% means no harm but there’s a void/it’s painful X

Try calling her. Her generation had long phone calls full of chit chat. We have lost the phone call to the endless texting.....

It's not an age thing, it's a personality thing. I'm a similar age and chat lots to my DC and friends by WhatsApp, as do many of my friends.

Do you get anything positive from your relationship with your mother?

If you have children, what is she like as a grandparent?

Her purely factual and self-centred interactions with you are obviously more upsetting than silence so I would pull right back and match her energy.

Yes, OP. My parents are like this. Both in terms of text and in person interactions. The last conversation I had with them started with them actually asking if we had a nice holiday. I was really taken back, because they never usually enquire about me and mine, and I enthusiastically talked for around a minute about what we got up to. No further questions from them - they then proceeded to spend the next 90 minutes telling me about their upcoming social plans, the ailments of people they know who I’ve never met, and a list of their most recent expensive purchases. We’re not close and these interactions definitely highlight that, so I know what you mean. I can always tell if someone else has enquired about me, as they will ask questions purely to information gather and report back. It’s always a very awkward conversation. They like other people to believe our relationship is great.

Exactly that same as my mum, who I think is autistic.
Conversation last week
Me: My dog is really unwell, the vet is worried and doing tests.
Mum: oh dear. Could you find out a courier cost for a picture I want to buy.

Another time
Me: I'm not sure I'll make the family meal in London tomorrow as my trains are all cancelled at the moment because of a fire
Mum: ok I'll have to ask someone else to meet me at the station.

She's just the same in person too. It's all about her. I feel for you - it does hurt seeing other people having close relationships with their mum.

To be honest her texting sounds a lot like mine. I've never been able to get on board with messaging as a conversational tool, it's so stop/start. It just gets in the way of whatever else I'm doing, so I only really use it as a means to convey information, or arrange something. If I want a chat with someone, then I phone them.

It's actually something I've been thinking about lately, as DD is off to uni in a couple of weeks, and I'm wondering how our communication is going to look.

To me this is about the technology. Text is for short, factual exchanges. If you want a conversation, that’s a phone call or in person.

So I’d see it the other way around. Without other context, I’d think you’re being lazy and careless by trying to use text for ‘conversation’, so low quality interactions, rather than making time for a phone call, coffee or lunch.

I am like this in text messages. It’s purely a functional tool for me. I can’t be bothered to hold a conversation over text! I will chat when I see you, or if you live far away we can speak on the phone.

This sounds just like my DH - except he only texts in response and would never contact me or our adult DC at all unless we made the first move.
I find it hurtful and frustrating.

@stuffedanimalsandchocolatethis is about so much more than text messages isn’t it? But it’s difficult for people who haven’t experienced it to truly understand the impact.

My mum doesn’t show any genuine curiosity or interest in me beyond the superficial. It’s so painful even though I’ve had lots of therapy and understand her emotional immaturity.

I don’t expect anything different from her but it’s still upsetting when I get a (very rare) text with a serious of statements rather than a genuine enquiry about how I am or my life events.

OP needs to separate the use of technology from the personality, if the conversation she wants to have is about the personality.

Huge numbers of people use texts to exchange information only. That’s not lack of understanding or awareness, it’s a choice.

She sounds neurodivergent. Annoying for you but cut her some slack. Concentrate on the ppl you can have satisfying conversations with.

I am 41 and rarely text “conversationally” like you are looking for. I find it irritating to type on a phone. I can think of two people I regularly chat conversationally with on WhatsApp but I am really close to them (but geographically far). I don’t like phone calls as I struggle to hear what people are saying on them, always seems to be a bad line.

I am capable of a good conversation in person, I just don’t find text message is the way to do it.

My mum was like this. She never asked questions or was interested in my sport / hobby which takes up a huge part of my life. She was very involved when I did what she was interested in (dance) and completely lost interest when I did what actually interetsed me. Dont take it too hard. people meet you where they are able to. Sometimes thats not very far into your actual life. Doesnt mean they dont love you, just that perhaps they dont have the empathy or interest. Doesnt make your life any less interesting (to you!) We expect a lot of mothers because of all the lore and dogma around the family, but mothers are just flawed people too who dont always meet your emotional needs.