Is anyone else's mother like this?

[stuffedanimalsandchocolate]

My mum is not the warmest woman in the world, to put it lightly! It's difficult to even have a conversation with her, for multiple reasons I won't go into here, but I wanted to ask if anyone else's mother uses texts to purely exchange information rather than chit chat in a more conversational/intimate way.

She texts me fairly often but it's always just pure information -- your brother has bought a new car. The dog is going to the vets. etc. It's a bit jarring. There's no how are you, hope everything is going well etc etc

The other day she texted me asking when our holiday was. I said the dates, then said we were excited about going, planning to do x specific thing, see x specific historical site, and eat x local food. Kind of hoping she would pick up one of these conversational threads and we could have some friendly back and forth. Just showing some interest basically.

Response? Thumbs up emoji.

I don't know if she's not happy for me, if she's plain not interested, or what.

I know people are likely to say she's from an older generation so isn't used to texting like we would but I really think it's her personality that is causing this, not a lack of understanding about digital comms.

I think this may be me- I’m a very warm person ( I think) but if you saw my text messages to my H for instance, they are practical and to the point- examples being - I’ve paid you ( we run a business) or xx is picking up ironing at 2pm or can you print off the xxx - in person I’m chatty and very different - I’m 64,

I wonder about autism too? My DF is probably autistic. My son is and I see the similarities.

I can get conversations from my son but that is because I know him well enough to drag them out of him and we get on great. With my father though, I didn’t know him, he wasn’t able to get to know me, he had his own way of being loving but it was just hard.

My mother has some narcissistic tendencies and to be honest my father’s profile can be very similar, so the combination of their personalities made it extremely lonely growing up with them. I feel your pain @stuffedanimalsandchocolate it is not easy.

I have a son like this. He is 30!

I’m in my 50s and only use text for practical communication with my kids (early 20s). I speak to them fairly regularly so general chit chat can happen then. Even most of my text exchanges with friends are concise and practical. I suspect I’m autistic though.

I'm sorry she's distant and apparently uninterested in you OP. We all deserve a warm and caring mum.

Hopefully you have other, kinder, people in your life💐

My mum was never the warmest, traditional mum but she was a great mum in her own way. She was always a great talker and we spent a lot of time chatting about everything and anything over the years although at times she could be moody and changeable.

As she has got older she definitely talks a lot less and if I call her to see how she is and for a chat sometimes it's like she can't get away fast enough by saying she has something to do or passes me on to my Dad. I am not sure why this is, she's old now, not in the best health and tired. I also think she might be a little deaf and perhaps struggles to hear me. I do remember that even when she would talk for longer a few years ago she'd often monologue for a long time and then cut the call short as soon as I started to speak so maybe even back then she couldn't hear so well? When I actually see her face to face she is a lot better but again is often tired.

She will sometimes send me rather impersonal texts with family news and I am aware that she'd rather have done that than call me. I'm sad that my Mum has changed and isn't able to give me the depth of connection we used to have but she's an elderly woman with health issues so I do not hold it against her and just try to enjoy the relationship we do have.

My beloved 93 year old grandma is like this! In person she's chatty and animated but via phone calls it seems to be merely an informative exchange for places and times we plan to meet.
If I continue to say other things like have you seen your mate Joyce lately, grandma?"
I can almost feel her getting antsy and she looks for a verbal route out of the conversation
I think she considers phone use to cost an exorbitant amount and is to be used as sparingly as possible!

MIL is exactly the same. It's annoying but I don't care enough to address it with her. I just put her on mute and check in with her now and again.

its a double fold gourdian knot. You realise you don’t have a relationship with her but/and there is nothing you can do. Talking to her about it, well, we both know how that would go. Have you ever tried to express your sadness at the missing connection? Or is it the sort of elephant in the room that you would become the problem for mentioning. I tried to tackle it twice with my parent. The first time was met with fury the next with ‘why do you always do this?’. Twice.

OP, of course, that's an upsetting and sparse conversation by text because it reflects a lack of interest in you more generally- if she was only like that on text, it would be different.

It's a shame, but she isn't going to change her texting style or her overall warmth, it's hard to be on the receiving end of disinterest from your own parents.

I prefer that. Whether messaging people my age or family in the generation above or below me.
You can have the people I know who send me long voice notes too.

Such self absorbed women cannot do relationships and it’s not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

i adore seeing and spending time with my adult children. Real life talking is different from texts - find them irritating. Maybe my age.

Do we share a mum?! Mine is the same. She has huge main character syndrome. When we speak I get a running commentary on her, her friends, who's died, who's about to die, and so on. She never asks questions about me or the kids. She just isn't interested. I cope by putting her on speakerphone and getting jobs done, occasionally murmuring "I see, oh thats sad, sorry to hear that" etc etc. Better use of my time! Its awful but its transactional and I have had to come to terms with the fact that there isn't any warmth there. I've vowed never to turn into her as my kids deserve better.

I am your mother's age and if I do this it's a) because my adult dc refuse to use the phone to actually speak on, b) because typing/texting is boring and c) the kids text like this, with minimal comms and I feel rejected/fed up trying to communicate

Maybe she hates typing, maybe she prefers face to face or voice?

Why do you speak so little? I’m not surprised your relationship is transactional based on a few calls and a couple of visits. Do you have any children?

Why do you speak so little?

ops opening sentence is probably the root of this.

I use Facebook Messenger because then I can type on my laptop rather than the stupid little buttons on a phone. I can touch-type on a keyboard, but find squinting at a phone screen to check whether I spelled 'ecumenical' properly is annoying.

How is your mother's eyesight?

Although I suspect that she's just not a communicative person.

To be honest I have very little contact with her which is sad