Should we move for our son’s friendships or stay and persevere?

[dadmumplus10]

How to increase friendships and stronger connections for our son?

We are in a village / suburb location in Kent - many kids/families have grown up here or have kids here and we moved here relatively new. It's been difficult to navigate as I had PTSD after birth, so didn't make many strong connections when we first moved here and we have changed schools a bit due to our child's anxiety and not the right fit. We still don't have the best fit, cliquey and closed off... we are concerned about our child's integration.. It's very school gate / closed off etc.,

Meanwhile, I have a couple of friends whose kids are older and thriving in London schools.

They seem more inclusive, better funded and diverse; across North London and someone mentioned St Alban's - any ideas?

Question is, do we consider a move? I feel this strongly! For all of us, a fresh start could be great.. but son is just going into Year 3.. Or, do we stay put and push integration more?

Thanks in advance!

Plenty of mums aren’t friends with people from their kids school. Kids make their friends in school, not at the school gate. As they get older, parents play no part in their friendship (I appreciate in primary parents do have to facilitate play dates out of school) and I really wouldn’t go through the hassle of moving just to try and make friends at the school gate.

If your child is struggling with friendships in school then get them to join clubs outside - football/rugby/beavers etc.

If you want more local friends then join a book group or a running club!

hmm it's easy to think that the grass is always greener. What is causing your son's anxiety? I don't think by year 3 dynamics outside the classroom and parents make much difference to friendships. They make friends with who want to make friends a with. I don't think moving school again will change this if you don't change the source of the anxiety. It would be a huge upheaval to move him again and a new home and area to boot. Those friend's kids are different kids. Their school experience is their's and you can't assume your son would do the same.

It sounds like you have had. A hard time fitting on or integrating due to your mental health. Have you seen someone about this ? Could you be projecting some of this onto your son?

We / I don't have anxiety anymore and feel much more grounded.. I am not too fussed about making friends per se but it's more to do with the community feel and sense of belonging.., he joined half way through year 1 and many groups were already formed.. I do understand it's very fluid at this age but i still feel a sense of isolation in a small village with no real connections.. i do have hobbies and my son does a few clubs.. i suppose we just haven't found our tribe yet!

Moving house and school would be a big uprooting for your son, with no guarantee that he'd be better able to make friends in a new school/area.

I think Scouts/cubs would be great for him, to help him to make friends and to manage his anxieties.

Long waiting lists in some places, so maybe think of volunteering as a leader so he could get in quicker.

Groups will already be formed if he moves schools.

Make an effort where you are

I think you need to identify specific needs for your child and find exactly the right school. It's far too broad to claim London schools are better funded and offer greater integration than schools anywhere else in the country. My experience is they are extraordinarily shit and all state schools are underfunded. But my experience is limited to schools in my area and schools for children with additional needs. So what you hear from everyone will always be biased, to a certain extent.

If your kid has no additional needs and all you're worried about is friendship groups, you could try giving it more time, having whole class parties, inviting your child's friends over for playdates etc. Friendship groups tend to change once they get to year 3. But that said, sometimes you just don't find your tribe. You need to decide how unhappy school makes your child versus the benefits of living where you are. If nothing is quite right, then by all means investigate a move. But it's a big expense and a PIA, so do identify what you need and do proper research (including renting a house short-term) to find out if the area(s) you're considering will really make a difference.

Have you taken any steps to try and make friends?
otherwise it may be the same whereever you go.

TBH, nothing feels quite right here... It's a strange one, very cliquey.. I think me not liking it doesn't help much! BUT I am trying for that not to rub off on my son..

Apparently a viscous rumour was spread a while ago about one of 'the parents in the school community' the headteacher put it in an email asking for the school community to be kind/inclusive as rumours can be potentially very harmful.. I can't help but think I am the one they were talking about! It's got that vibe to it; dismissive teachers, my son being excluded at times, not treated quite the same e.g. he asked for pizza at lunchtime to be told 'no, you have an allergy' he doesn't and was confused - I emailed the school about this over a year ago, so got back in touch with them. Then he wasn't given the same end of year cookie due to an allergy? He got a small chocolate lolly. So I have emailed once more making it quite clear. Of course I can try make it work BUT I'm not sure I want to... There have been a few things. The teacher was too busy to meet me last week of term. He wasn't looking forward to going back today.

Also might be worth adding, he reads +2 years above his current age and wasn't given reading books for quite some time.. He said that he couldn't find them, they were in his bag and disappeared/lost. I messaged the teacher and she said they can't locate them. Just get very off vibes, as a mum, my gut is saying no. BUT another upheaval and school change might not be the right thing either.

How many times have you changed schools already, OP?

Small schools and villages can be a nightmare for this kind of thing. You might have more luck in a bigger town

@dadmumplus10 - you’re right. There is stuff that is odd here. It sounds as if the teacher is excluding your son. And it’s absolutely standard for teachers to meet parents at least once a year for parents’ evening (for us, i think we had parents’ evenings every term at primary but it was a private school). So it’s pretty unacceptable for the teacher to be too busy to meet you, unless you were demanding something exceptional. If he’s doing well and ahead of expectations, then perhaps it’s fine, but it sounds a bit wrong.

You can never be sure that a move won’t take you out of the frying pan into the fire but we had to move one of our DDs at the end of year 4 (admittedly just moving schools, not house) for reasons unrelated to her but she ended up in a bigger school and much happier there.

But in your shoes, i would be at least seeing what other options might be out there. The whole environment sounds a bit tricky for incomers, if only because everyone else is so used to each other.

From one nursery to a prep style nursery, as I needed more hours/support.

From there to a new independent school, we left that school due to anxiety and him not wanting to go at all, it became a big issue. He made 2 really great friends, they also left after him due to parents new job/new locations.

Then we home educated for 7 months.

After that he started new, local state school half way through year 1 as needed more social input.

They haven't mentioned mentioned specific SEN. Again, I don't feel full transparency. We had an online test for autism which came back 'inconclusive' as there wasn't enough evidence.

I have no support unfortunately so am really trying to figure this out asap.

It might be worth adding, I'm pretty sure I am neurodivergent myself.

Ah, okay - i think you have moved a lot relatively speaking. Nowhere is perfect and if you keep moving, it will start to look as if the problem is your family and unrealistic expectations rather than the provision. It could also teach your son that rather than persist to overcome obstacles, you just back away from the challenge. There’s definitely a balance to be struck but you need to be a bit careful about the lessons you’re teaching in that regard.

I’m viewing the situation a bit differently now. If he is now pretty settled at the school and doing well academically, it may be better to avoid another move and focus on creating social opportunities for him outside school (clubs/scouts etc).

yes, that's what I keep thinking... I don't think it's us as a family but seems difficult to navigate the small village types.. I'm from London. I wouldn't say he is fully settled and has lots friends, but we / he is trying.. I find navigating the parents exhausting and prefer not to. Perhaps I need to put myself out more, something I am uncomfortable with if it feels forced.

@dadmumplus10 yes, I grew up in a city and have lived in London for decades and i wouldn’t know how to live somewhere that wasn’t very urban.

Socialising can be more relaxed if you’re just participating in shared activities - book club, rambling, chess, sport, music etc.

This does sound odd OP, especially the assumption that he had allergies when that wasn't the case, and treating him differently to other kids re reading books etc. I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of this and would keep pressing to speak to his teacher. Also l'd be contacting the schol office to make sure it was noted that he didn't have allergies.
I would be making an effort to chat to other parents too. lf you suspect your yourself are ND l know it can be hard but keep trying. Do try to arrange playdates with the children he likes too. As others have said cubs is a good idea as well and would be worth a try. He's had a lot of changes so far re schools so it would probably be best for him not to move again unless you think he's really unhappy.

we might have to wait until secondary school... I suppose I need to figure out what the turning point would be - as in, what would it take us to say 'that's enough' and move.. do we leave it and see how he goes.. i feel like we are one foot in and one foot out..

The school office have been emailed - so they do know and have this information.

I suppose it isn't at that stage yet where he is very unhappy.. but he is anxious about going in and doesn't have a strong group of friends.. I worked as a TA at the same school a few years ago part-time before my son home educated and also wasn't treated too well, very gossipy, excluding types.. I guess being neurodivergent means I am highly sensitive and notice everything, this can bother some! At the time, I was told by the deputy head that women can be like this..

I’m sorry to hear you are having such a struggle, I have been in the same position as you.
We moved to a small village, it had a wonderful primary school, but because we were “outsiders” to the village (we were not a generational family in the village) we had our work cut out to fit in. We were excluded from things, our daughter was excluded from things and we never got to the bottom of it. We would arrange play dates but they would be cancelled apart from a couple of family’s (that we are still friends with.
in the end we moved out of the village and more rural, we explored more schools, but our daughter so miserable that we decided to home educate until we found the right school for her.
she is now thriving, has a great group of friends, and we are sticking to home education and it has worked well for all of us. Obviously, that’s not the answer for everyone. But as it get mentioned a lot on here, sometimes you just have to find your tribe, in what ever form that takes. Plus, don’t put all your energy into something if it’s not being reciprocated x

Ah, thanks for sharing your experience.. really great you have found your tribe so to speak!! Parts of home educating we loved, but I couldn't do it again, as a family, it was too much for just one parent, me! Especially the fact that I struggle with my own mental health / possible neurodivergence at times.. I need structure, the option to work, gym etc., all to help keep me feeling well/balanced..

Which part of the country do you live?

We have been told St Alban's is very inclusive, excellent schools etc.,

Also, Harrogate in Yorkshire - bit too far away for us but does sound lovely!

I think you make community, not find it. There isn’t going to be a magic land a few towns over where all the friends are stored. I think if you want to move for a better house or better schools, especially secondary schools, sure. But you’re going to have to put the work in anywhere.

Start with inviting friends over, regularly. Have a play date every Friday. Become the house people want to go to. I’d say independent friendships really start more in Y3/4. Get him into some activities he enjoys. Go to all the birthday parties. Invite them all to his. You get back the energy you put out. If you’ve been anxious and holding back, people just forget you’re there. It’s not because they aren’t inclusive. They just match your efforts.

I agree with you to a certain degree @mindutopia but when there is already some hostility, it's an extra challenge and at my age, I can't be arsed BUT for the sake of my son, I suppose need to... Also, this isn't just about holding back or anxiety it's about trauma and healing, without support. That makes me less likely to want to socialise. Luckily, my son is very sociable, it just isn't translating to solid friendships, of course this can change...

Wherever you go, there you are.