Should we move for our son’s friendships or stay and persevere?

[dadmumplus10]

How to increase friendships and stronger connections for our son?

We are in a village / suburb location in Kent - many kids/families have grown up here or have kids here and we moved here relatively new. It's been difficult to navigate as I had PTSD after birth, so didn't make many strong connections when we first moved here and we have changed schools a bit due to our child's anxiety and not the right fit. We still don't have the best fit, cliquey and closed off... we are concerned about our child's integration.. It's very school gate / closed off etc.,

Meanwhile, I have a couple of friends whose kids are older and thriving in London schools.

They seem more inclusive, better funded and diverse; across North London and someone mentioned St Alban's - any ideas?

Question is, do we consider a move? I feel this strongly! For all of us, a fresh start could be great.. but son is just going into Year 3.. Or, do we stay put and push integration more?

Thanks in advance!

Love this...

@dadmumplus10we are Dorset/Somerset Borders - relocated from the South East.

it’s a great place, but it has been difficult. I know I still need to get more social with our daughter, but with balancing home ed, my own things and family life - it does leave my social battery quite low.

Absolutely, home educating is far from easy..

You sound quite enmeshed in your DCs emotions and social life as you refer to ‘we’ a lot. Are you able to separate yourself from him? What has your social standing got to do with his? Also are you shadowing / projecting your own anxiety on to him - assuming he’s the same? What if you stepped back and were comfortable in your own skin that you don’t want to socialise but your only responsibility is to provide him opportunities to take up or reject as he wishes. What I am saying is to be more attuned to him as a separate unique personality with his own separate and unique wants and needs.

I can understand how poor MH and unsupported ND can shadow a child’s life. Also your anxiety (fear) comes across, to me, as sneering and negative to all those you’ve come across - and maybe that’s why people sense your suspicion and swerve you. Maybe they are scared of you?

I’m a `Londoner but I wouldn't assume that most London schools are friendly. They can be harsh environments.

Seems like you never try to solve issues just move.
Get him involved in scouts or something to improve his confidence, you could even volunteer.
What are you teaching him if every time things feel off you run ?

We move around a lot when the kids were growing up and from reception until finihsing secondary they both went to 8 different schools. Some of those schools were just terrible for our kids, they just didn't fit in, struggled to make friends and hated going. Then there were others where they met their best friends on day one and then grew their friendship groups and loved every day. Generally speaking, the schools that were in smaller towns and villages were by far the hardest to go to. My kids weren't and aren't they typical kids who are sporty or very gender typical for lack of better words. My DD was always a tomboy and my DS was into acting/drama. The schools they went to in big cities all had kids that they could relate to and that they connected with instantly. I think that's the case regardless of how you are. You need to be extrememly lucky to find friendships as a new person in small schools in small places.

This I don't agree with at all. The same way adults change jobs when they don't like where they are, kids should be able to change schools if they are not thriving. There is no point in sticking it out just to teach them some kind of resilience. It just gives them a bit of a shit childhood and that's it.

My gentle question is whose resilience are we talking about in this situation. Is the child themselves struggling / falling apart or is that just the skewed perspective / perception of the parent who themselves are emotionally struggling?

I think moving is a good idea. Why stay where you are when you have so many doubts about it? The question is just where to? Are there particular parts of London you are thinking about? Or how about a large town or small city? Do you have any restrictions re work etc? Go for it!

Only you will know what’s best for your family. I lived in North London my whole life (Finchley) St Albans is in Hertfordshire and is very different more suburban life and you may encounter similar issues. Everything you say about London schools I agree with especially being diverse. London travel is easy and if you come from a particular ethnic or religious background you’re bound to find a community. Schools can still be clicky and bulling is rife. The transition to secondary school can be traumatic. London is busy, fast and crime is high. Rent is practically unaffordable. Iv recently relocated to Aberdeen just for a better life for my kids (3,14) and although Iv heard similar stories about secondary schools here, I know my oldest has built the resilience needed and the confidence to make friends. The transition has been difficult to get him into school due to availability. Much of London and Scottish schools are at capacity and many have to travel long distances. I hope you are able to make a decision and build connections.

If you can afford to move back to London, preferably somewhere in Zone 2, then I would think that might work best. Results overall for London schools are the best in the country. From what I've heard, in Kent everyone is vying to get into the grammar schools there, which can entail a very sheep v goats situation at secondary transfer. Your child is about to enter KS2 (Y3). That's not a bad time to join a new school. London schools tend to be more inclusive and diverse. I'm originally from NW London, now W London. It's still a great place to be, wouldn't live anywhere else.

I lived just outside St.Albans, & if you do move there check the catchment areas of the schools.
A friend moved home about 1 mile away for the sole reason that she did not want her DD going to a particular school.
This is possibly the case in other areas.

That I don't know. We can only go by what OP has said and she said that he is anxious about going to school and that he hasn't made strong frinedships in the 1.5 year he has been there. There doesn't seem to be anything worth sticking around for if nobody in the family thinks it's quite right.

I would be cautious of moving strictlyfor friendship. My aunt did this over and over to help my cousin make friends. It didn't work if anything it had the absolute opposite effect.

"we have changed schools a bit due to our child's anxiety and not the right fit."

Honestly I dont think you should change schools repeated to find a tribe. It takes time to build connection and i think this in the long run will create more anxiety and distance than anything else

My friend moved to two different villages the final move to a city She said best thing she ever did whole family much happier and settled and very much part of the community

I think you should move. You haven’t settled there. You don’t like it there and you’re not happy with the school. If your son has no particular friends then he has nothing to lose.

I would not move for those reasons. It really sounds like you are projecting. Ask him who he likes at school and make an effort to invite that mum round to your house with the kid on a Saturday morning in the next few weeks. They might not hit it off or they might. Keep doing this with different kids till he finds a friend he wants to invite back.

Which area of the county are you in op? I’ve previously had very similar problems in a naive village. No young kids but utterly destroyed me.

we are leaning towards moving - i know it's unsettling but I have an intuition that the school isn't right neither is the area.. i'd love to move back to London but afraid we can't afford it.. perhaps a flat we could, depends where though.. any areas in mind?? I don't know NW London much but would happily look..

Area I know of - Dulwich (again very expensive :/ ) Southwark Borough.. I have a few issues with the school, they are not being transparent at all, and it's making me more anxious..

London is a big place so a sample of two children 'thriving in London schools' isn't really going to mean much in terms of whether your child will make friends easily or not.

How portable is your life - jobs and housing?

It doesn’t sound like this area is right for any of you so moving is sensible. Does it have to be such a big move or would a Kent town or city be an option?

I say go for it and move.. Neither of you feel that it is right and has anything special to stay for. If you have the possibility so move. A move is also easier on a younger child so don't wait too long. Nothing says it will be better at a new place but staying has few benefits when you don't like it where you are.

OP don't move to a random flat in N London because you have heard it is inclusive.
Your son might prefer a house, a garden and stability.
Can you move near family or old friends?
Much easier to make a base somewhere you know people.
Can you get him into Cubs, community sports clubs etc?