Anyone else struggling to make female friends after turning 50?

[Munchkinjack]

Hi all
I basically don't have any friends
I've just turned 50.
i would love a best friend for girly chats etc
my kids are grown up I have a dog and my partner is my best friend but I would love a female friend . I work from home. I get lonely .
My partner has lots of friends, he still lives in his home town . They are all men tbh and he has curry nights football nights etc . I had a friend, a drinking buddy and dog walking buddy but she sadly passed away a couple of years ago i miss her . I'm going to try a gym as I need to feel better about myself and more confident.. maybe I'll meet a friend there. Anyone else ? I feel it's just me like this .

OK, well, different question. What kind of people do you like? Who are you drawn to? Because you’re sounding kind of generic in your OP, about wanting ‘a best friend for girly chats’ — making a new best friend is way down the road, after making new acquaintances, some of whom will, with time, turn into friends, one or two of whom may become close ones.

But you need to start by finding situations which put you regularly into company with the kind of people you like, so it makes sense to start by thinking about that, and also, what you bring to potential friendships. When someone meets you for the first time, who are they meeting? Why would they be drawn to you?

I know you said you dont like social media but meetup.com is a good way to find groups in the local area or online. You can search special interests or hobbies or just look for social groups in your area. There are usually some for people who are a bit older as plenty of people struggle when kids have left home etc..

I have joined quite a few clubs and activities over the years and not one friend has come from it. Long standing friends are absorbed with ill husbands and their own problems and anything I might want a chat about is totally sidelined.

I’ve also noticed that friends don’t want to be in a group going out either. The Queen bee types just rotate who they see and then aren’t available when you suggest something. DH makes no friends at all. We know we mainly have each other but that’s really too narrow for both of us. I haven’t solved this problem at all.

A good friend would want to know how their friends are doing if they are dealing with serious illness. It doesn't sound like you are particularly interested or invested in. your friends, and I would probably drop you/pull back if you were a long standing friend that seemed bored and drained when I spoke about things that were really impacting me.

You want good time friends, for drinks and light hearted banter rather than real friends. Most people of our age are looking for deeper connections.

I do think these days people are on the whole less inclined to make an effort with friendships. Obviously tiredness due to career and family commitments is likely a big factor. There seems to be another reason too, though. Many people don't seem to want to build anything meaningful with a friend and are content with superficial contacts on social media or just picking and choosing who they go out with and when. There seems to be a shift towards general flakiness and disinterest in genuine friendships imo.

I'm in suffolk

@EnglishRose26 Er no. I don’t do light hearted banter or drinks. Friendships had been waning long before any illnesses! That’s just a recent development. DH and me have always been available for friends and hosted dinners and parties so everyone can meet up but it never happened the other way around. We have made a considerable effort over many years. Its very difficult to keep friendships going and you end up wondering if these relationships were friendships at all.

Friend with ill DH doesn’t ever invite us round for dinner and never did. They married in the late 80s and we’ve had dinner round there three times! I always hosted so we are frankly wondering if this was ever a meaningful friendship. It’s making us question it and mutual friends stayed with them this bank holiday and we were not even invited over for coffee!

I do understand folk grow apart but we are at a loss to know exactly why. I did confide in this friend when I had marriage difficulties, (DH various affairs came to light ) and I felt totally unsupported. They would
remain friends with both of us. DH and me sorted ourselves out and I’ve never been asked if I’m ok since. I have to say that their indifference made me question the nature of the friendship but we have tried to be decent friends since.

Friendships are complex and I think people want superficial friendships and they don’t want anything more. So going out for dinner, having lunch or dinner here etc is ok, but helping with dc, being there when you are distraught isn’t in the job description. Finding new friends is very hard!

I think it's good to forget about having a bestie. Just be friendly to everyone you meet. I have lots of friends but l actually hate the word bestie. We can have a variety of friends, sports, bookclub, neighbour whatever. All my friends have other friends and different ones meet different needs.One friend moved away and she has actually taken up sea swimming and made lots of friends...not one! She also joined a choir which seems to be a very sociable thing to do .
Try and get to know a broad range of people so not depending on one.

I have made new friends but it has taken quite a while. Attending a weekly book group which became a lunch together. I have also made friends from a sports group which I can no longer attend due to a back injury. I think you need to go along regularly and the friendship builds over time and lots of conversation, 'Girly chats' sounds a bit repellent to me. You also need to be an interesting person yourself. If you do nothing, go nowhere and have no interests, people aren't going to find you very interesting. So take up lots of hobbies and learn a new language, go on trips to different places and take an interest in the world. I am not interested in cocktails and bars. I want some intelligent conversation.

My longest standing friend has become very very dull. All she wants to talk about are tv programmes and her weight. I haven't seen her for a year because I find her very boring and she doesn't bring anything to the conversation.

@junebirthdaygirl Are they friends or just people with the same interests? I’ve definitely no bestie! Never have had but it would be nice to find a friend who was remotely interested in you beyond what book you read!

I think this is the reality of it

I can also relate a lot to what @MeetMeOnTheCorner said.

I don’t have a partner either so… it’s not great but I’m getting used to it.

I agree with @junebirthdaygirl (and am also a June birthday girl 😀) and have similar groups of friends as well as old friends from school, uni and work.

@Munchkinjack - social media can be your friend as a source of information about groups and activities.

The best way to make friends is to get involved in a number of activities and groups that interest you (not the gym, as others have said) and allow connections to grow naturally, rather than going with the agenda of making a good female friend because that puts instant pressure and dependence on someone else. You wouldn’t turn up at a group expecting to date participants but targeting someone to be a friend because of your needs is not actually that different from turning up expecting to date someone. I’m sure you’re lovely, OP, just out of practise at meeting new people. Make it about shared activities and interests and low-key related socialising and the rest will likely flow in time.

It's starts with the interest. If you are engaged in an activity that is fun it brings out the best in everyone and gradually you find your own tribe. I never expected to make new friends as l got older but due to a new hobby after Covid l have met lots and out of that real friends have emerged. But l would run a mile if someone was trying to make me their bestie as l would be afraid they expected too much from me. To be quite honest at this stage of my life l have been through it all with friends and l know exactly what l want and it's definitely not to be someone's bestie!

@junebirthdaygirl I’m engaged with my activities but peoole don’t seem to need new friends from what I’ve seen. Definitely no tribe for me. I’m not sure what that would even look like? I think I’m too much of an individual.

My advice is stop trying. The more you are conscious of it the harder it becomes. Just decide you are going to enjoy all your activities and do things that suit yourself and hopefully it will happen.

@junebirthdaygirl my experience is people generally rush off home after activities.

This is a great idea. Go for a longer term one eg 5-7 days and you will make connections. Also group travel somewhere intrepid can do the same, although you may end up making friends from
overseas which won’t solve your immediate issue

I think that’s true. It takes a while.

Also true that you are more likely to make friends if you have interesting things to talk about. So it’s maybe a chicken and egg scenario. I’ve had a few things happen in my life recently and TBH I think my friendships have suffered a bit because while I try not to be, I’ve probably been a bit of a drag and not had jolly things to chat about.

Anyway so I’ve started doing things on my own. Partly to keep cheerful, partly as entertainment and partly to have something to chat about when I do see people. It’s working as I definitely feel better for it.

I think some activities are more conducive to chatting to people than others. So like a group exercise class is better than going to the gym as you can talk about the class and you see people regularly. Or a walking group is better than going to the pub because you see the same people regularly and the pressure is off conversation because you can happily walk in silence or chat about the view. Book clubs are another more natural conversational arena as are evening classes.

But I completely get how you feel. It’s really hard to meet new friends when you’re older. But not impossible. Ironically it’s easier if you’ve already got friends because you feel less needy and you can talk about what you’ve done with them. Maybe if you start by thinking I’m going to expand my social life (as in doing things alongside others) rather than making new friends which is more pressure might help OP. It’ll give you more to chat about and some of the people may evolve into friends over time.

@EmeraldRoulette Ditto!

This is just by the by, but the data shows that young people are also very isolated. I think this is a problem that cut across generations, possibly misses out the over 70s who have had decades of a friendship culture, and a neighbourhood culture.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner you mean the people rushing off after? Yes, in my experience any activity just means people will turn up on the dot if they have to,.. if they don’t have to, then some will likely be late and many will rush off at the end.

I can't take trips around the world I have a dog and a 13 year old . I would appreciate friends if I was you even if they seem boring as u know from my post good friends are hard to find and know one is perfect . I could probably do a book club even tho I don't read much I should make more time to read

I don't mean trips around the world, just trips out to visit things during the day at weekends.

I am 50 and have made several new friends in recent years. Some through dog walking. I get chatting to regulars who walk in the same dog walking area and up waking together and friendships can grow from this.

Also the gym. I go to the same gym classes each week, and it’s not instant, but the regulars all get to know one another, and friendships develop this way too. Helped along by the free drinks you get for going to the gym 4 times a week, so people tend to hang out drinking their free drinks in the cafe, and it creates a nice social atmosphere, but it’s also ok for people to sit alone. It’s just very easy to suggest a drink with someone at the end of the week when the cafe is there and you have free vouchers.

@EmeraldRoulette I’m over 70! It’s all age groups. I’ve found maintaining friendships and establishing new ones very difficult. When you are older people have moved away too. We’ve also found political views are not what we want to listen to either. I think people will understand that! We have people who we thought were good friends turn absolutely right wing and horrible!

I’m 52 & I’ve made most of my recent friends by getting involved in stuff I care about - mainly women’s rights campaigning & volunteering for the local cat rescue. It gives you obvious conversation topics to start with.