AIBU to resent my husband criticising me while I manage everything at home?

[Mummytobr]

AIBU?

my husband works full time, I’m a stay at home mum as I was made redundant while pregnant.

we have a 5 YO and a 9 MO. I do 99% of the parenting. Because I’m a stay at home mum I also do the majority of the housework. When my husband gets home if there’s something not done (like the dishwasher emptied, washing not sorted etc) he’ll be in a mood with me. I do try to keep up with the household stuff but having a baby to look after and food shopping/house admin/everything else on top of it is sometimes hard but to be honest I think I do keep up quite well.

He makes his own dinner when he gets in at night (I offer but he doesn’t like my food) and will sometimes do a little bit of housework (maybe he’ll mop once a month or fold some washing?).

he plays football 4 times a week and again, I’m doing 100% of the parenting in this time. I do all meal times, bath times and lie with the kids til they’re asleep too. I honestly don’t mind as I love being a mum, I feel like it was my sole purpose but what I do mind is when he gets home and is in a mood because X, Y and Z hasn’t been done. Or like tonight when i nip out for 20 minutes (with the 5 YO) and he’s phoning me because he can’t cope with the baby and again, in a horrid mood because I shouldn’t have left the house at that time apparently.

like I say I don’t mind doing all of the parenting, I love my babies so much but I hate how he goes in a mood with me and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in the wrong. Should I be more more on top of things as I don’t work? I feel like I need to walk on eggshells as he pays the bills. Am I being totally unreasonable?

Ffs were in the 21st century , not in the 40/50’s where women stayed at home and did everything

just because you don’t physically walk out the door into an office does not mean you don’t work !
In fact it’s easier going to work than running a house- washing,cooking,cleaning,shopping and then 2 kids on top to look after and entertain

Your too soft OP, he should be picking up the jobs you havnt got to do, not just taking dd yo the park one a week.
The 4 times a week football - sorry that is ridiculous (never heard of any of my friends dh going out 4 times a week) plus they wouldnt put up with it

Youve made a rod for your own back starting off doing this just because he goes out to work
and he knows he’s taking the piss out of you . He’s a lazy ….

The replies aren't designed to make you stress. I imagine most are designed to support you whilst also encouraging you to recognise what is and isn't acceptable. Ringing 'when he has time' and 'sometimes' taking his own son to the park isn't even meeting the bare minimum of parenting. What he's doing to you is not how you treat staff, let alone the person you love.

Just because it isn't physical, doesn't mean his behaviour is not abuse.

Please think carefully about how you want your future to be and take care of yourself.

Three years I stayed, because although I was miserable and he was abusive, naming it as abuse felt too big, too dangerous. I’ve still not said it aloud to wider society, only friends. And whenever I tell some of the stories, I almost always add something like “I’m exaggerating” or “he has some great qualities” or “of course nothing is black and white”. Still. I can’t bear the look of horror on people’s faces, when I describe how I used to live. I have to minimise it.

At the time I was always saying things like this, to myself mostly. “Oh he doesn’t hit me.” “He doesn’t shout at me (very often).” “He’s not cruel” (but he was). He bathed our baby, stopped her crying when I couldn’t, occasionally did bedtime, often bought me a takeaway and a bottle of wine while he went out, he remains an actively involved father. He did plenty of decent things. But he was and is also a manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling man. I still live with the effects of his “training”, I’m getting a lot better after years of work, but I’m hypervigilant, I feel guilty if I’m not home first to make sure things are tidy and there’s a cup of tea for my partner… it’s all from those three years, thirteen years ago.

I fear that you are also minimising for similar reasons to me. I hope you take our collective advice 💐

“Shut the fuck up and dust the skirting boards yourself if you’re so fucking bothered”

I agree with this. Do not take a gentle approach. He needs massive wake up call. He's become a little Napoleon who thinks he's the boss of everyone and he needs to understand he is not the boss of you.

But as her husband now refuses to get a vasectomy which he previously agreed to and also refuses to use a condom, OP is perfectly entitled to refuse to have sex with him.

Any man who says that married men don't use condoms is a manipulative liar and not to be trusted. He is the one who wants to risk pregnancy while also being a useless and lazy father to the children he already has.

And the back track begins

Exactly

throw in his useless he is with his children

we have a man who is deeply unpleasant both as a partner and father. However @Mummytobr clearly doesn’t want to accept that

Unfortunately nobody understands the life of a SAHM mum to young children unless they actually live it. Men rarely get it. On the outside it looks like you have a cushy number and don’t do a lot. Nevermind the fact you’d have to pay a childminder, nursery, cleaner, cook, PA and ironing lady to fulfill all the various roles you complete each week. It’s the reason my ‘DH’ is now ex ‘DH’. This is the underlying reason I believe many marriages fail after kids. The only happy marriages I know of are ones where the women has a high flying job and the husband is very happy about that, and both share tasks and pay for help for the rest OR the woman works part time but they have loads of money to again outsource. My brother has often said to his wife in front of us that he couldn’t do what she does and he’d never cope with it - this kind of recognition goes a long way. He genuinely appreciates her contribution and acknowledges that going to work can often be easier.

Good luck. I think your marriage might be over.

The more I am on Mumsnet the more I wonder why any woman wants to marry and have children. The men just treat you like shit straight after the kids come. Like every time. Do one or the other but not both.

I think this is actually happening now though. A lot of women are choosing to be single, or certainly not have children. Social media has revealed the true nature of most men.

I think genuine love and respect help. Or tbh just viewing each other as human beings. It sounds like that's what your brother does @thisist, and that's what makes his relationship work.

I don't understand these men/relationships and reading about them makes me very sad.

Shouldn't you want your partner and coparent to your children to have sufficient rest and downtime, some free time for their own projects (even if just having a quiet coffee without the kids in a cafe) and some access to money/resources that they can spend on themselves to do or have the things that make them happy? Why would you want them to be in a place where they are stressed, resentful and burnt out? Why wouldn't you do what you could to make things better?

Sometimes life is tough and money is tight, but ultimately relationships are about helping each other thrive, not bringing the other person down.

He has confused you with an employee.