AIBU to resent my husband criticising me while I manage everything at home?

[Mummytobr]

AIBU?

my husband works full time, I’m a stay at home mum as I was made redundant while pregnant.

we have a 5 YO and a 9 MO. I do 99% of the parenting. Because I’m a stay at home mum I also do the majority of the housework. When my husband gets home if there’s something not done (like the dishwasher emptied, washing not sorted etc) he’ll be in a mood with me. I do try to keep up with the household stuff but having a baby to look after and food shopping/house admin/everything else on top of it is sometimes hard but to be honest I think I do keep up quite well.

He makes his own dinner when he gets in at night (I offer but he doesn’t like my food) and will sometimes do a little bit of housework (maybe he’ll mop once a month or fold some washing?).

he plays football 4 times a week and again, I’m doing 100% of the parenting in this time. I do all meal times, bath times and lie with the kids til they’re asleep too. I honestly don’t mind as I love being a mum, I feel like it was my sole purpose but what I do mind is when he gets home and is in a mood because X, Y and Z hasn’t been done. Or like tonight when i nip out for 20 minutes (with the 5 YO) and he’s phoning me because he can’t cope with the baby and again, in a horrid mood because I shouldn’t have left the house at that time apparently.

like I say I don’t mind doing all of the parenting, I love my babies so much but I hate how he goes in a mood with me and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in the wrong. Should I be more more on top of things as I don’t work? I feel like I need to walk on eggshells as he pays the bills. Am I being totally unreasonable?

YANBU

I think you need to work because you need a way out of this marriage. What you're describing is totally unacceptable.

You realize this is emotional abuse, if it leaves you walking on eggshells and questioning your sanity he’s abusing you.

You're being unreasonable because you're putting up with this

This

Go out and fucking leave him to it.

He’s a fucking prick, he expects a skivvy rather than a partner

IME men like this very often don't bother spending much time with their children. So I doubt you'll be without them every weekend at all. And won't have him to deal with. It's a win both ways.

Unfortunately these men often do it to spite their ex

How do the finances work between you? I would be siphoning off some cash each week to save, starting a job search etc.

Or like tonight when i nip out for 20 minutes (with the 5 YO) and he’s phoning me because he can’t cope with the baby and again, in a horrid mood because I shouldn’t have left the house at that time apparently.

You remind him that his not coping is pathetic, if he can't cope with being an adult and looking after his baby for 20 minutes then he clearly needs a lot more practice, and if he needs to practice football four times a week, he is probably shit at that too !

Is this really the relationships you want to be modelling to your children?

He has got a nerve. U need to sit down and discuss this. He has 4 nights off. U need time off too and time to be a couple. If u go back to work he will no.doubt expect u to still do everything. How disrespectful

You're a married single mother.

Your husband believes his paycheque entitles him to treat you really badly.

Take note of all the times he calls you or texts to say he can't manage the DCs on his own. Keep.a log of how much (how little) time he spends alone with the children. Note how many nights he is out of the house while you deal with bathtime, bedtime, etc. In other words, keep a record of how.little parenting he does.

In your shoes, I'd be considering a return to the workplace when your 9 month old is about 15-18 months. Get your CV in order and start looking for a nursery or CM.

Then see a solicitor. Learn your rights, whether you can stay innthe home with the DCs, what benefits you are entitled to, and what he would have to pay in child support.

Then tell your H he either goes to marriage counseling and engages in good faith or you will divorce him.

He really isn't a very good husband or father

You probably already have but have you ever just said that you're exhausted from doing everything and you need some help and that it doesn't matter whether you're good at it or not you still need help

These guys don't improve because they are inherently selfish

It makes me wonder if we would have married and had children with these guys if we had known they were going to be like that

I mean if he’s telling you the reason he’s a shit father is that he’s just not used to doing it, the obvious solution to give him more practice no? So he learns how to cope?
You start going out on your own to facilitate this?
I genuinely don’t know how you can find him attractive as is, it’s giving 1950s values.

This sounds so familiar to me - except I am further down the line, with 5 children and years of resentment for both of us.

I remember when I had bad pnd after having three children (3 under 4), and he would come home in an awful mood - slamming doors and muttering under his breath how everything is a mess. He still does this, and (14 years later, now 5 kids) we had a giant row over this exact this last night. Turns out I probably have ADHD like my children and find tidying difficult (also depression), and he is the opposite (autism with ocd traits). Not the best.

Anyway, I notice that he is especially bad when he is having a hard time at work and when he wasn’t happy with his projects. He was also raised by a woman who couldn’t leave dishes alone for two minutes (will literally take things out of your hand to clean them), and has slight ocd tendencies. These are differences we will be fighting over for probably the rest of our time together.

Might be worth getting some relationship counselling, it helped us understand our behaviour. Didn’t solve the actual problems, but made us aware of them.

He doesn’t sound like a good husband if he doesn’t look after his children much. My husband was the same, and I accepted this because it was what I saw from my Father and Step-mum, but would dream of a man that would take the children to the park for a couple of hours during the weekend.

I agree with most posters - time to get a job, this will reduce your dependence on him and save to get a cleaner. This might be the saving grace. Counselling might be a good idea.

You could do what I did one day which surprised him... I turned around and asked ‘What is the matter??? It definitely isn't the unwashed dished or the shoes in the hall, so what is making you so angry?’. He actually answered that he had a shit day. Go figure.

Would that happen? He can’t go 20 minutes with the baby without ordering you home. He’s a selfish uncaring twat. This is probably long game territory though.
you should look at getting back into the workforce when baby is 1, and starting now take an evening a week. Say when you phoned me the other day mad I had gone to the shops with 5 year olds, I realised you don’t see me as a human who counts, I might as well be a childcare housework robot. You are out all the time, from now on you are home while I go out minimum one night a week and you are actively caring for our children. Don’t call me to ask about trivial things, it’s time you did a tiny bit of being a dad each week, if you can’t cope for 20 minutes we need some serious dad time to get your shitty shitty skills up.

Do a leisure time comparison spreadsheet.

I can’t imagine anyone guarantee he gets more time to himself when he isn’t working, commuting, parenting or doing household chores.

How much time does he get sitting on the sofa in the evenings compared to you?

You need to go away for a weekend so he can really understand what you do. It the house isn’t immaculately on your return speak to him - but don’t warn him in advance.
I found DH had a greater understanding of my sahm role after I’d been away for a weekend. And no answering the phone. He has to figure it out himself

All the posters suggesting the Op go out for the entire day and turn her phone or or even one suggesting a weekend away… would you actually be able to kick back and enjoy the day knowing your tiny baby and 5 yr old are stuck alone with someone like this?

I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to relax. And what does it even achieve? Someone like this is a shit man. Leaving him to struggle for the day and then you come home to two very very unhappy and unsettled children and the house in disarray is going to achieve nothing. Look at the bigger picture @Mummytobr … you are very vulnerable to an awful man by not working. So focus on getting another job sharpish so you can make a plan

He is a shit man. But he can still watch 2 kids for a day. It’s not fucking rocket science. Nothing OP has posted suggests he would neglect or abuse them.

Will he kill them? No

Will they be unhappy, unsettled, shouted at? Yes. Not something I would ever be able to relax knowing

He was stressed and shouting… a poxy 20 mins alone with them

Op find a job, ducks in a row and get him out of your life. Honestly he can barely cope for an hour without you let alone a weekend/overnight. I think things will work out well. Also who plays football 4x a week??

Thanks everyone - I’ve got a lot to think about but at least I now know I’m not in the wrong for feeling annoyed.

while we’re on the subject - another thing he has me questioning is our sex life. We’ve been intimate just a couple of times since our 9MO was born purely because he told me he was getting a vasectomy once baby arrived. He was certain that’s what was happening but once baby was here he changed his mind and now wont even discuss it. Fine - his body, his choice but I told him I don’t feel comfortable going on contraception again so he needs to wear a condom which he outright refuses. He says married men don’t wear condoms and he can pull out (which he’s been known to ‘forget’ to do a few times previously). Am I in the wrong for being so set against wanting him to use condoms or get a vasectomy?

I think your husband is a massive twat and he's not doing anything for you...However, in the case of contraception you should always be looking after yourself sweetie...if you are still having sex with this odious man..the way you are going, you will be up the duff again in not time!