AIBU to resent my husband criticising me while I manage everything at home?

[Mummytobr]

AIBU?

my husband works full time, I’m a stay at home mum as I was made redundant while pregnant.

we have a 5 YO and a 9 MO. I do 99% of the parenting. Because I’m a stay at home mum I also do the majority of the housework. When my husband gets home if there’s something not done (like the dishwasher emptied, washing not sorted etc) he’ll be in a mood with me. I do try to keep up with the household stuff but having a baby to look after and food shopping/house admin/everything else on top of it is sometimes hard but to be honest I think I do keep up quite well.

He makes his own dinner when he gets in at night (I offer but he doesn’t like my food) and will sometimes do a little bit of housework (maybe he’ll mop once a month or fold some washing?).

he plays football 4 times a week and again, I’m doing 100% of the parenting in this time. I do all meal times, bath times and lie with the kids til they’re asleep too. I honestly don’t mind as I love being a mum, I feel like it was my sole purpose but what I do mind is when he gets home and is in a mood because X, Y and Z hasn’t been done. Or like tonight when i nip out for 20 minutes (with the 5 YO) and he’s phoning me because he can’t cope with the baby and again, in a horrid mood because I shouldn’t have left the house at that time apparently.

like I say I don’t mind doing all of the parenting, I love my babies so much but I hate how he goes in a mood with me and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in the wrong. Should I be more more on top of things as I don’t work? I feel like I need to walk on eggshells as he pays the bills. Am I being totally unreasonable?

I think you're being completely fair OP. He's got options. There's no way I'd rely on him pulling out. My DH had a vasectomy because I'd had enough of hormone contraception and the copper coil was causing really heavy periods.

Am I in the wrong for being so set [on] wanting him to use condoms or get a vasectomy?

No, of course you aren't. You said his body, his choice. Correct, but also your body, your choice! The consequence of unprotected sex is a baby. That's a pretty damn big consequence for your body - if you choose not to be pregnant again (and you should choose this, at least with him) then you must either abstain or have sperm-free sex. His choice this time! Vasectomy or no sex.

Have you thought that he might be trying to get you pregnant again to keep you tied to his home?

It sounds extremely unlikely that he'd want 50/50 when you divorce. He'd say he did, to minimise costs, but he doesn't know how to parent, does he? And his sporting schedule doesn't exactly leave oodles of time for Peppa Pig on repeat.

Of course married men wear condoms. My h did. What a tool.

I’m not sure why you even want to have sex with him…

it sounds like a miserable life.

Do you really think he’d want to see the dc every other when though? He doesn’t have much interest in them…

You should be sharing household jobs and childcare 50/50 when he's not at work. He should also try a day in your shoes so he can see how difficult it is to get household jobs done when you have a baby. He doesn't sound like good husband material and you will be vulnerable if you don't go back to work.

You have drip fed more reasons to leave this prince of men. Footy four times a week
almost makes him a full time player

You say you love your babies very much. Ok fine, but what about you as a person? Do you not have or want an identity beyond being a mother? Your children will grow up and you won't be needed as much. Perhaps it's time to change your mindset too, and ask the father of the children to also step up. He is living is life fully, with work and hobbies. There is no detriment to him. He has no respect or love for you or the kids. Why can't he take care of the baby? His nonsensical attitude towards condom wearing should be proof enough that he doesn't care. Because if you do get pregnant, it has no impact on him. Have a honest conversation with him about how the household dynamics need to change. And if he isn't interested, then it's best to leave him and live a happier life.

married men who don’t wear condoms or get a vasectomy are dickheads who should get zero sex ever until they’ve sorted the vasectomy. I wouldn’t even accept condoms now he’s gone and shown he’s such a total dick. ‘Nope, you didn’t want condoms, I don’t want you to wear condoms you don’t want to, we are not on for tonight, we can have sex after your vasectomy. No, I’ve seen how unreliable you are on pulling out. You’re not a great husband or father and I’m not having another baby with you when you don’t do anything for the ones you already have. No, my body my choice as much as your body your choice. I’m ok with celibacy when it’s the alternative to risking a pregnancy with you.’

My dh wore condoms. I got sick of him not getting around to the vasectomy, told him I’d got the implant out and it was condoms until he booked his vasectomy. So he used condoms and booked his vasectomy pretty quickly.

It's actually a little controlling. He might not realise it but he seems to think he is your boss now because he pays for everything. Men LOVE to be the boss and you really need to stamp this out now.

Exactly, tons of married men wear condoms if their partners can't be on birth control for whatever reason.

What will you do when the DC have grown up?

Life is too short to be with a controlling bully of a man. You would be happier without him and trust me, parenting is so much lighter and more enjoyable without these men around. Plus, they always threaten 50/50 but barely manage a few days a month.

This relationship is starting to show more red flags than a Communist Party parade.

@Mummytobr so to recap:

• he uses emotional abuse as a punishment if you don’t meet his arbitrary standards for housekeeping
• he coercively controls your time outside the house
• he treats you as a skivvy and not as an equal partner
• he refuses to use condoms and insists he shouldn’t have to “because married”
• he is coercing you into unprotected sex even though you don’t want another baby (and presumably nor does he, so would he force you into an abortion or into carrying the pregnancy?)
• but he is “good with the 5yo sometimes” (so more often he’s not good with either child?)

Emotional abuse is abuse. Coercive control is abuse. And domestic abuse does affect the children who live in that environment. By staying, you will continue to affect their emotional, social, and neurobiological development though their childhoods and this will have profound effects on their whole lives. Please reconsider leaving.

Leave this waste of space who thinks you’re there as the domestic servant

Actually, he’s not just a waste of space, he’s also a coercively controlling, financially abusive bastard.

He's not loyal though, he treats you like a servant. That's why he's moody when things aren't done that he thinks should be, or they're not done to his standard.

He's a lying wanker regarding the condom. All normal men will wear one if asked. (Most do so without being asked.) It has nothing to do with being married. And yes, if no more children are wanted, married men wear condoms.

If your marriage has been good up till now, I think you need to absolutely lose it with him and inform him that he's in danger of killing it stone dead if he doesn't stop treating you like staff/a household appliance, and start treating you like a human being and his equal.

I would tell him that he can DARE to criticise you or the state of the house at the point at which you get equal sleep and childfree leisure time as he currently does.

Until then, he can shut up. And if he sees any mess when he gets home, pick up, clean up and wipe up too. In blessed silence.

And when you're getting to pursue your own hobby in peace 4 times a week, you'll come back to the table and you can have a sensible discussion about household responsibilities.

You need to lose the mindset that he works and you don't.

He works outside the house for money, for around 40 hours per week, 5 days a week.

You work at home for love (of your children and, at one time, him), for many more hours per week, 7 days per week.

If you didn't look after your children, you would have to pay someone else to do it - a nursery, childminder, private nanny etc.

If you didn't do the housework, laundry, cooking etc, you would have to pay someone else to do all that.

It is therefore possible to put a monetary value on what you do.

You are also giving your children a fantastic start in life by staying home with them, and that is priceless.

It should not be the case that his family responsibilities end outside of his paid work. He should be doing his share of childcare and chores.

Moaning because the dishwasher hasn't been emptied?! He can fuck right off with that controlling crap.

If you do actually want to stay married to him, then list out all the things you do for the kids, in the home, for him.
List what he does in those areas, and for you.
List what free time he has away from the house, and what you have.
Then tell him how things need to change.

Oh, and condoms/vasectomy or no sex is non-negotiable.

Good luck.

PS: I had the same thought as a PP re loyalty. I'd choose the dog.

PPS: that comment he made about you doing it (childcare) all day, every day, so it's easy for you and so hard for him? Clearly, he needs to spend more time doing it, so he'll get better.

Sounds like a controlling and abusive bastard. Get a job and look out for yourself.

Thanks everyone. I feel like I’ve blown this out of proportion 😩 he doesn’t shout/swear or anything, his moods are more subtle (huffy, silent, sighing, just being generally annnoyed etc.). He also does phone during the day to see how we’re getting on if he has time and will sometimes take the 5YO over to the park. Feeling super anxious as I’ve always thought it was just me overreacting but all of these replies have me stressing!

Aw, @Mummytobr you've now got yourself wondering if it's just you being melodramatic?

I don't think you are. Read back your op
.
He's out a big proportion of the week yet criticises you when you're at home. This is in no way normal. He should be supportive not criticising you.

And also. Huffy, silent for how long? I wouldn't be putting up with that shit!

This is SO common.

Men don't understand what parenting small children entails until they do it.

Sit him down, calmly and explain three things

1. That while the baby is so small you rkey job is parenting. That means focusing on the children's needs, so they are fed, clean, engaged with, talk key skills of speech, eye contact etc which involves playing with them. this means housework is not your main job. It should be shared.

2.) Just because the work you do is unpaid doesn't mean it has no economic value. A 24/7 nanny and a housekeeper who cooked, ran errands and did laundry for 5 hours a day would cost, between them, approximately £75k pa. He needs to value you.

3.) He doesn't work 24/7 and shouldn't expect you to. However many hours he has off per week to play footie etc, you will now have the equivalent, and he needs to learn to bond with his children. His life will be happier when he becomes a good, involved father.

If he is not prepared to do this, you will have to go back to work, divorce, and then he will have DC half the time, and will be far worse off in terms of money and free time, and he;ll have to learn to parent then anyway.

Sadly your clarification doesn't make things any better. You are trying to justify his actions- oh he occasionally spends time with his son, he is only annoyed for an hour, he is kind enough to spare two minutes of his busy day and have a conversation with his wife. Not swearing is not a redeeming feature, like you think it is. You definitely need to reassess your life, have some self-respect, and leave this man.

^This.

And make sure you come back and give him a big bunch of criticism. What an arsehole.