Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

I once found a false nail on my bathroom floor. I live alone (apart from my cat) and although I do get my nails done occasionally,it was over a year since Id last had them done so it definitely wasn't one of mine. I just assumed that it had got walked in when I'd come home from the shops. I regularly see false nails on the floor in shops or on the ground outside so I think it's pretty easy for them to attach themselves to people's shoes.

No, no it's not horrible at all, just realistic. You say it all happened in about 2-3 hours. Ok then. That's unusual but not impossible and it is fair to wonder.

People regularly make nonsense up on this site, it happens every single day, some are repeat offenders. Nobody knows why, so asking why is a bit pointless. For attention, drama, bored, drunk, mental health problems - nobody knows.

So it's a fair question, and not horrible. If it's all true I hope you are getting decent advice here, I haven't ready many of the comments.

Does anybody have a link to the script?

Don't cover for him, just tell the truth to everyone (including the kids) about what he did, but obviously only give them the details you are comfortable giving them. Never cover for betrayers, it just makes their lives easier and is dangerous for those around them. People deserve to know (including your children) about a person having an untrustworthy character. That's not to say you rant and rave and go on and on about it to everyone, but compose a brief message outlining exactly what he's done for all friends/family and then don't respond to any attempts to minimise, bait or goad you.

Get on the site Chump Lady dot com - she explains how cheating is absolutely abuse and has lots of examples of how to bite back against cheaters.

Never forget, he's not your friend, he doesn't care about you and is a proven liar, not a word he says can be trusted, ever again.

Oh, and all cheaters are scum - all of them. It's never anyone's fault but theirs, they always chose to be scum. But men who use prostitutes really are really vile bottom dwellers.

No. It can't. Hope this helps.

This should have read "It can't be used in Family Court at all. Go through his phone to your heart's content".

Might the fake nail have caught on someone's clothing totally innocently ie yours, your kids, the cleaner might have brought it from another job on her shoe? Certainly doesn't seem enough evidence to accuse someone of cheating, I mean there's no concrete evidence is there only a couple of perfectly innocent circumstantial things?
Certainly not worth risking a mariage for IMHO!

I think your response is a really good response op. Keeping the kids in the house while the adults move around is most appropriate. One day you’ll have your own house and you can move there then, but until then this is the minimum disruption to your children’s lives

The nesting solution sounds a good idea very short term but good on you for being determined to move this on quickly. There will be better times ahead but it’s almost impossible to imagine them at this stage. So glad you have your supportive mum near - that’s a game changer.

Do not be the one to move out unless you are forced to. If you find somewhere to rent, you’ll be classed as housed in the eyes of the court and ex could have more of a claim on the property.

I couldn’t even move into my parents rental free of charge for this reason.

Has he any real opportunity to meet someone is another factor but eould he really take thrm to uour house.
I think there has to be more evidence.
Whats your sex life like does he kiss you, do you still have a good relationship

I think you are wrong. Obviously it happens in an instant. One minute you are bumbling along with normal life, the next you have found proof and in that minute your life has changed dramatically. For me I was in the middle of reading my dc a bed time story, they wanted something that was in the spare room. I went to get it and saw that the bedside table draw was open. Went to close it and saw a phone inside. Opened the phone and boom! Affair! It happened in an instant .

to be honest how else can it happen? Even if you have suspicions the moment of proof is very quick.

op was suspicious, someone on here advised look at work phone. She did. Boom-

so sorry to read this thead op.

you will get through this but it will be hard. Take support from mumsnet. There are many of us here who have been there

Read all the OP's posts before commenting eh?

So sorry you're going through this pain and the mix of emotions that are coming with it.
Good you told him to leave and he did.
Good that you know there is no going back this is despicable behaviour from him it really is you could never trust him again.

Ok onto you stop breathe and take some time a couple of weeks to just absorb whats happened this is huge.
Wait until the fog clears be with your children mum and best friend and just let yourself come to terms with what you have found out.

Just have some breathing space to allow your head to clear to gather strength to get through your divorce.
Then when you're feeling ready with strength thats when you start looking into what is the best way to part ways for the children for you and financially.
You've got this you know now you're not wracking your brains thinking is he.You can walk away with self respect and pride and lean on your mum and best friend for support because you'll need it ❤️
Just stay strong and determined and know that you deserved so much more than this weak disgusting man.
Hugs rooting for you keep us posted when you're ready xx

Read the OP’s updates, DH was been found to be seeing prostitutes.

OP updated much earlier in the thread, her DH has been using prostitutes.

Could have come in on a shoe, transferred to the doormat then picked up on a slipper and traipsed through the house? You could have deposited it yourself or one of the kids.

Please can people at least read the last few of the OP’s posts before commenting

I know that most Mumsnetters will think I am stupid for posting this reply, but that doesn't really bother me as they don't know me personally, and are maybe too narrow minded in their own thinking.

@mouseymouse123 Why are you reacting to your new, so painfully found out knowledge, by immediately deciding to divorce your husband? I do hope it isn't just because too many readers of Mumnet seem to have become enthralled - in it's original meaning - by the domineering personallities of our more loquacious Mumsnetters; those who apparently have no tolerance of the failure of any individual man if he has been shown to not be perfect every single second, of every single day, in every single way? Oh okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but in some cases it won't be my much!

I don't believe it is true that any man who visits a prostitute is necessarily an evil bastard, who cannot have any good qualities at all, and therefore they must be divorced from their wives as soon as the wives can get their dicks - oops sorry, I meant of course, their ducks, in an orderly row. You have told us, that finding out your husband has been seeing one or more sex workers, is actually worse in your mind, than you finding out he was having an affair. I'm afraid that I don't understand your logic here at all OP? If, and I know it is a big IF, your husband has felt the need/desire to have sex with someone else - which could be for a variety of reasons, but - the usual and most basic one is often because the male of our species is genetically hot wired to wanting to spread their sperm to as many fertile woman as possible. Unfortunately, your husband appears to be one of those many weak minded men who can't resist such a basic urge, so him wanting to have sex with someone/anyone, yet choosing to pay for the services of a sex worker, is surely more acceptable to you than him having an affair with a particular woman, who he was attracted to, and then went on to fall in love with, and to then eventually realise that he prefers to be with her all of the time, rather than with you.

My ex/first husband preferred his slightly younger mistress to me, which was incredibly hurtful at the time, so I know from personal experience that if he had had occassional sex with a sex worker, I could have probably come to terms with that, especially if we subsequently went to see a marriage guidance counsellor, or a relationship therapist, together. In the pretend scenario here, the one where he has an actual affair, you don't get a chance to make a choice, to be able to consider how much you have loved him, and felt that he loved you, or how much of your life is entwined together with his, which is of course especially important as you have 2 young children together. You just don't get any choice in that scenario - I know this because it happened to me many years ago - in the pretend case, he has already fallen in love with someone else, and will end up leaving you, and will then probably have more children with Her. So I really don't understand why you think that having sex with a stranger they have paid for, is worse than him having sex with someone that he obviously finds attractive, and who he can tell all the problems to, including any he is having with you, he has probably even explained to her that you just don't understand him ...

Yes, it would be a much better, and nicer World, if we all fell in love with someone, and were then committed to that person - with no-one else ever even crossing our radar as a tiny blip - but we are human beings, not swans, and one of the things that we can definitely know about each other, is that as we are human beings, we are 'fickle'. 'Fickle' looks, and sounds, like such an innocuous word, but here is my favourite AI's explanation of it's meaning:

Fickle means changing often and suddenly, especially in a person's loyalty, affection, or opinions .....

So, unfortunately, it doesn't have an innocuous meaning at all, instead it is one word that probably sums up the human state, more than most other adjectives ever get close to doing.

All I am asking of you @mouseymouse123, is that you take your time when deciding what the best outcome would be for your darling children and you. I think that you absolutely need some trusted advice in real life, and speaking to a therapist who has no agenda whatsoever, other than to help you reach the best solution for both you and your children, is probably the best and safest route you can take for now. Please remember OP, that if you seperate, and get divorced as soon as possible, that is most likely to be how things will stay, whereas, if you take time to think about it yourself, and hopefully ask a professional for advice, you can still choose to change your mind, and split up at any time in the future. 🩷

Every man who thinks he can buy consent is a bastard.

As for the rest of it, I'm hopng it's AI nonsense, otherwise what a verbose waste of time.

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting women with morals and self esteem don’t need to consider the devils side of things they just put the trash out. Some things are deal breakers and approaching sex workers is a no go. I wouldn’t even keep a friend that thinks that’s ok

Nope, I stated factually that it was unusually fast that she posted the complete breakdown of her marriage in 2 hours - yep that is unusually fast and that's absolutely irrefutable.

And, as I said, not completely unbelievable. And I am also correct that people often post bollocks on here for no reason.

I didn't say I didn't believe her, I said it was perfectly fair to be suspicious, not horrible, and that's because it is perfectly fair, and not horrible.

Anyway, maybe she's telling the truth, and I gave reasonable advice if so.

Oh, it's you again, you like to waffle and pretend to be a guru, you imagine you sound intelligent when actually you sound like you're using Chat GPT and asking it to spit out some word salad, and you love to claim you're "playing devil's advocate" but in reality you're a bit thick and like to gibber nonsense because nobody can be bothered listening to you in real life either.

Anyway, men who use hookers are scum and should always be dumped instantly.

Hope this helps.

It’s a huge betrayal. I think we need to set the bar higher. If I had used male prostitutes, brought them back to the house, hidden it, and lied, I would know full well that if discovered that would be the end of my marriage. How can you love, trust and feel psychologically safe with someone who can treat you like that? I think you need to set the bar higher. Men can and do control themselves. To contact a sex worker, discuss needs, organise times, pay, then have them come to the house is pre-meditated. There are multiple opportunities to pull back. This is a choice he made. Several times. This isn’t a one off drunken urge.

Please don’t make it a woman’s role to tolerate this level of betrayal when we all deserve so much better.

Not to mention the risk of STDs he has put her under.

Surely he’s not bringing his affair partner to your house!

There is no way back from this. Its disgusting. He has two daughters. His veiws on women are absuletly poisonous. File for Divorce asap. I dont know if I would want my DDs near him, why does he have to have them overnight. He can do early school runs and take them out at weekend. I wouldnt share a house with him he might bring one of his friends back. I hope you find peace and happiness.

Agree so much, it's not a pissed up one night stand. Arranging for sex workers, in your marital home, bed. It's cold, really cold, callous and calculating. Cruel even. It's a thrill seeking behaviour, getting a kick out of playing with danger, bringing them home. How could you see a person in the same light? Crazy "advice".