Dealing with friend who made degrading comments

[Jen7425]

Ive recently moved in with bf and was invited to meet one of his oldest friends and their family. My bf has known this guy for around 40 years. He is also close to his 4 children who are now aged 20 to 24, and has been all their lives. He didn't want me to meet his friend for a long time but eventually said it was because he can be racist at times and he didn't want me hearing that as he knew I'd be upset by it.
We were invited around for a bbq with the family and the wife and grown up children were welcoming and friendly. However my bfs mate only spoke to me once, by asking what I did for a living. Before I answered in front of everyone he suggested I was a stripper?!? Then quickly followed it up with oh no you cant be as you work from home. He didn't laugh or even smile. I was stunned, but then quickly told him what I actually do and he said nothing further. No one else said anything. Since this he has driven past me locally and ignored me. I met him once in the supermarket with my bf before the bbq and I said hello, he didn't reply just kept talking to bf.
At the time of the bbq I felt annoyed but as time has gone on, this was a few weeks ago, im livid about it, how degrading it was. Im 52 years old and have a well paid senior management professional job that I have nearly 30 years experience in.
My bf has now been invited to spend an evening at this friends whilst his wife is away and said he is going. He isn't happy with what his friend said to me but doesn't know what to do about it.
Half of me doesn't want to make a big deal of it in case there is a fallout and loads of drama, but I have told bf im very uncomfortable with him remaining close to this friend after the degrading comments. Half of me wants him to never see him again or at least address it with him so he knows it is unacceptable.
Any ideas on how to deal with this rubbish?

He sounds horrible, and it would affect how I felt about my bf if he had a friend like that.

What did your bf say when his friend made the comment about you being a stripper? Did he have your back?

‘He doesn’t know what to do about it’ is pathetic. He should be putting you first, but he’s not.

He sounds rude
but fgs don’t stop your boyfriend socialising with a friend of 4 decades

If this is what his good friend is like you can be pretty sure there is a side to your bf that is very different from the side you see. I think you would be shocked if you heard what their conversation is like when they are together and with their other friends.

What does the evening out with his friend look like? Possibly strippers will be involved given his attitude to you and the fact that's what's on his mind.

This friend doesn’t reflect well on your DP.

He didn't say anything at the time. Tbh I didn't give him a chance. I gave a big speech about my job, the impact of my job and basically how important it is to make his friend appear small. Afterwards we spoke and he was very angry about it.

A friend of 4 decades who is so racist that he refused to let him meet his own partner, and then when he did he slagged her off to her face? Some of us have standards and self respect

He wouldn’t have felt small
Bored perhaps
but not small

he can be racist at times and he didn't want me hearing that as he knew I'd be upset by it.

Your boyfriend clearly is not “upset” by it

Your boyfriend's friend is a racist and your bf has been best friends with a racist for 40 years. He's also derogatory and disrespectful to your face, so he's a hateful misogynist as well.

Your bf tolerates his best friend's racism and misogyny and accepts it in his life and that makes him racist and misogynist. He stood by while his best friend insulted you to your face in front of him.

They're both assholes and your bf is a weak go along type.

I would be done with the lot, but I'm mixed race and wouldn't be dating racist men. Add in misogyny and geez.

Before I answered in front of everyone he suggested I was a stripper?!? Then quickly followed it up with oh no you cant be as you work from home. He didn't laugh or even smile. I was stunned, but then quickly told him what I actually do and he said nothing further. No one else said anything. Since this he has driven past me locally and ignored me. I met him once in the supermarket with my bf before the bbq and I said hello, he didn't reply just kept talking to bf.
At the time of the bbq I felt annoyed but as time has gone on, this was a few weeks ago, im livid about it, how degrading it was. Im 52 years old and have a well paid senior management professional job that I have nearly 30 years experience in

Wow. It wouldn’t have been ok even if he did laugh or smile, but I understand your point.

Either he's a misogynist or he has feelings for your boyfriend.

He isn't happy with what his friend said to me but doesn't know what to do about it

And that's why men behave the way they do - it's because other men do or say nothing, which I suspect your partner will. He's known him for a lot longer than he knows you, and I suspect that comment was the tip of the iceberg.

It's up to your boyfriend who he's friends with BUT, it's also your right to decide what kind of people you surround yourself with, so you should ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who does nothing in that situation or is ok with misogyny? Let it be a warning to you. It's all very well not being ok with something, but those are just words aren't they, if they're not followed by action.

Why does your partner want a mate like this?
I can’t remember the right phrase.. but you are tarnished by who you choose to spend time with.

I would be judging this boyfriend by the company he keeps.

I gave the speech to make him look small to the other people present. By that point he's lost me Im not interested in his views on anything.

You shouldn’t have given it the time of day everyone else would have thought you were being pompous

So he felt he made a ‘funny’ joke and you responded by trying to humiliate him at his own bbq in his own home, in front of all of his guests?

I can see why from his POV he doesn’t want to speak to you.

He sounds like an idiot and I would avoid meeting up with him but no way would I expect my DP to stop seeing him.
I would still encourage him to be friends with him and see him.

I personally wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was friends with someone who was racist.
But you cannot tell someone who they can and can’t see.

A childish part of me would have been inclined to say you've probably seen so many strippers, by law of averages one must look like me. I hope one day you grow up and find a decent woman willing to undress for you without being paid.

But you shouldn't. Ask your partner if he'd be fine if this man said this to his kids. If he's not, why's it ok to say to to someone else's daughter?

You make a lot of assumptions. If life was that black and white no one would ever ask for advice on here. My bf and this guy aren't bffs, but my bf maintains some contact due to his relationship with his friends children who are his god children and very close to him.

I can’t imagine what I’d think of someone rocking up to a family/friend bbq for the first time and “giving a speech”about how important their job is and outlining precisely in detail what it involves

This. The BF knows his friend is a rotten apple and the “friend” is a jealous bigot trying to drive a wedge.

Are you saying that this man was not racist and weird until they had been friends for well over 16 years? That’s unusual.

Your partner cant be that unhappy with his friend if he's continuing to be friends with him despite him being a racist and sexist cunt.