Dealing with friend who made degrading comments

[Jen7425]

Ive recently moved in with bf and was invited to meet one of his oldest friends and their family. My bf has known this guy for around 40 years. He is also close to his 4 children who are now aged 20 to 24, and has been all their lives. He didn't want me to meet his friend for a long time but eventually said it was because he can be racist at times and he didn't want me hearing that as he knew I'd be upset by it.
We were invited around for a bbq with the family and the wife and grown up children were welcoming and friendly. However my bfs mate only spoke to me once, by asking what I did for a living. Before I answered in front of everyone he suggested I was a stripper?!? Then quickly followed it up with oh no you cant be as you work from home. He didn't laugh or even smile. I was stunned, but then quickly told him what I actually do and he said nothing further. No one else said anything. Since this he has driven past me locally and ignored me. I met him once in the supermarket with my bf before the bbq and I said hello, he didn't reply just kept talking to bf.
At the time of the bbq I felt annoyed but as time has gone on, this was a few weeks ago, im livid about it, how degrading it was. Im 52 years old and have a well paid senior management professional job that I have nearly 30 years experience in.
My bf has now been invited to spend an evening at this friends whilst his wife is away and said he is going. He isn't happy with what his friend said to me but doesn't know what to do about it.
Half of me doesn't want to make a big deal of it in case there is a fallout and loads of drama, but I have told bf im very uncomfortable with him remaining close to this friend after the degrading comments. Half of me wants him to never see him again or at least address it with him so he knows it is unacceptable.
Any ideas on how to deal with this rubbish?

Your BF knows his friend has faults. He sounds like he might actually have a mental problem. Perhaps he was trying to be funny with the stripper remark, or it was a mistaken attempt at flattery?

You are on slippery ground trying to stop your bf seeing his friend. That’s controlling, as you know from all the posts on here when husbands are trying to stop wives seeing their friends.

The fact that he doesn’t want to see him is a good sign. As long as you don’t have to see the friend and your bf isn’t unduly influenced by him I don’t think it’s really a problem. You would be in the wrong to interfere with a 40-year friendship as a mere girlfriend.

Racism is literally black and white.

These four children are well over the age of being able to have an independent relationship with your boyfriend without the interference of this man though.

I think being loyal to a good friend of 40 years is actually a good sign, even if he makes very strange comments.

You said his children are all adults - so there’s absolutely no reason that your DP needs to be going to his house for bbqs etc

No way would I ever be around someone who says racist things unless I agreed with the things they were saying.

But clearly not angry enough to call his friend out on his comment?

Maybe, they all still live at home.

This would be a dealbreaker, if my dh did not step in and pick up my bag and say we are leaving now English Rose, we have heard enough, I would be appalled. Your dp has stood by and allowed this imbecile forty years of such poor degrading behaviour and done nothing. Is your dp that desperate for friends??

No, this is not okay and yes I would be judging him on the company he keeps.

And they are all adults, all have phones, all have friends of their own and so on.

Your boyfriend could do something about this situation, he just doesn’t want to. Even when you are called a stripper.

Why was my post deleted?

all I asked was whether you’d read he was racist

Why on earth are my posts being deleted?

I wouldn't date someone who is friends with a racist. There are just certain things that I want from a partner and knowing that they aren't and don't tolerate things like racism is one of them. For me the problem isn't his friend but him.

Thanks, I would never tell anyone who they can and can't see even if I'd prefer they didn't. It's his choice, but if he chooses to remain close, then I'd expect some sort of boundary that stops this happening again. This wasn't said in jest, and no one smiled/laughed.

That, I'm afraid.

You can judge a man by the company he keeps.

Judge and dump . . .

"he suggested I was a stripper?!?
Then quickly followed it up with oh no you cant be as you work from home.
He didn't laugh or even smile."

What did he mean you can't be a stripper as you work from home? Was he trying to imply you were a prostitute or something?

Its such aa wierd, agressive, insulting thing to say to someone you've only just met. It sounds like he'd decided he disliked you in advance, since everyone else was welcoming and friendly. It also sounds like he thought his opening statement up in advance and it was designed to put you in your place. You were supposed to be embarrassed by it. It's hard to know how to reply to a statement like his. But I think you gave as good as you got. And lets face it... he didn't try to say any more rubbish to you after that did he?

I wouldn't want to be in the same room as he again.

He will be wanting to find out from your BF what your reaction was tho. I'd be very wary. Your BF sounds like he can't really stand up to this man.

And once again…….

You can judge a man by the company he keeps

You're getting posts deleted on nearly every thread you're on, including for harassing OP's and bringing up their entire posting history. You've been doing it for a few days in your previous usernames of Aboutlola and Theendofroll.

I don’t know what you’re talking about
read the thread
I have pointed out this friend is a racist
and the OP’s boyfriend continue to be friends with him
that doesn’t reflect well on the OP’s boyfriend.

you disagree?

I've known my oldest friends for almost five decades. It wasn't until a few years ago that I started realising that they had some racist opinions.
We live in a whiter than white area, and the subject really hadn't come up until then.

I haven't dropped them. I could see how they'd formed these opinions. They'd probably never had a conversation with anyone brown or black. But their son had trained as a policeman in a very multi ethnic town, so if course the only this they heard about people of that ethnicity, were bad.

But the important thing was that they weren't angry racists, and they were able to listen to my very different opinions, and take them on board. I told them same of the stories of the refugee families I was involved with through my work, and they were genuinely shocked and upset by their experiences and their treatment. And over recent years I've seen them mellow, and go from being GB news followers to being completely anti Farage and Reform.

So no. These were friends who'd been extremely kind and generous friends for decades, so I wasn't going to immediately drop them as soon as they expressed racist opinions, based on their lack of life experience.

So yes, I can see how DH would still be friends with this man. But he should be brave enough to quietly challenge him on his views.

I guess it depends on what their racist view was to some extent, and whether they now have changed their minds?

Absolutely not. You started harassing me through private message, you got the wrong end of the stick and that's why Mumsnet deleted your accusations. You are literally harassing people on here. Just waiting for you to get banned. Lots of people have reported you.