How long would you keep dating someone who you feel is not quite right for you?

[Savvysue3]

Trying to find the right way to explain how I am feeling here.
i guess my question is how long would you ‘date’ someone when you have a feeling they are not really the one for you but also are nice and kind etc
im dating a guy for around 8 months, for many reasons I feel we are not compatible in the long run and I also feel by this stage my feelings should have grown more towards loving them and they haven’t.
but he’s nice company, the sex is good etc
do I just call it a day now as I’m sure this won’t be a long term thing? We haven’t talked massively about our feelings and the future but I’m impression is that he thinks this is ‘it’ for him.

why is ‘date’ in quotes? Answer would be end politely tomorrow

Following! I have no advice but I’m dating someone new, been around 6 weeks & he’s so lovely. But I’m just not feeling it. It’s also scary because on paper he’s perfect and I’m scared of throwing a good guy away when I know they’re hard to find. I do know the answer for you (and for me) is to just end it though

I once gave someone about eight dates, but only because he was nice, gentlemanly and he was good looking but I couldn’t work out if I actually fancied him. Ultimately the opportunity came up to travel and I broke up with him and he wanted to just put a pin in it till I got back but I didn’t want to be tied down incase I met a cute guy whilst travelling so I ended it clearly.

So figure that’s actually a good test -
If you went travelling for a few months and met a really hot man who you got on with, would you want to snog him? Or would you feel too guilty because you’d been seeing this other guy back home? And would that make you feel smothered? If so, probably worth cutting him loose.

Generally I don’t go on more than two dates with someone I’m not sure on. If by the end of date two I still don’t feel much attraction, I call it a day.

Plus I think if you’re still questioning it even after sleeping together he’s definitely not the one for you.

Interesting question. I think that’s quite a long time if you know deep down you aren’t feeling it. I went on 4 dates with someone last year as I was willing myself to feel more because he was lovely, a gentleman and we had a good laugh. But I couldn’t progress things beyond that. It didn’t feel right.

Well, since the dick is good, I will let you off keeping it going for 8 months!

End it now though, life is too short for both of you x

Wtf! 8 months? Insane

I was in a similar situation when I was about 20 years old. I let it continue on far too long when I knew he wasn't the right person long-term for me.

As some people have already said, 'on paper' he was ideal but I just didn't feel the same. He was in the Police and I expected it to fizzle out naturally due to his shifts, so I let it continue on.

In the end I had to end it as one of his friends had told one of my friends he was planning on asking me to get engaged. I had no idea things were that serious on his part. He was a nice guy but ultimately just not for me.

So, I would advise you to end it sooner rather than later.

I later met the love of my life at 25 years old and instantly had all the 'firework' feelings for him. If anyone had asked me about my feelings after a few dates with him, I would have said "I'm going to marry this man" - and I did.

I strongly believe that 'when you know, you know'.

You need to end it. I married a nice man but, truthfully, didn’t ’feel it’ - I was young and naive. We ended up in a sexless marriage (of many years) and I felt lonely etc. (even though the sexless marriage was my doing). I ended the marriage after 23 years. I think menopause, and a few losses in my life, pushed me to do something.

I met someone else at 45 who absolutely took my breath away (still does) and who I adore and fancy like crazy. We are so connected and compatible in many ways. I just wish I had had the sense not to marry my ex and admit, at the time, that he wasn’t the one. I think what I learned was, ‘don’t light a fire to keep someone else warm’!

You're being really unfair to him unless he knows how you feel about him and feels the same way. You've already wasted eight months of his life when he could have been meeting someone who was perfect for him. Don't waste any more.

Never settle for second best to your dream relationship

A couple of dates?

I was on the other end of this for 2.5 years. He absolutely adored that I loved him, but it wasn’t reciprocated.

Worse than that he let me do all the hard work of figuring it out, and ending it, and dealing with his wanting to be friends to salve his conscience. (No Thanks)

Using me like that and his cowardice about how long he let it continue absolutely disgusts me now.
Decent people don’t continue relationships using people as placeholders whilst they avoid thinking and whilst they avoid action.

Do him and yourself the courtesy of ending it today.

I think “not quite right” or “not compatible” long term can work for however long you like, if you’re both on the same page about having fun and not looking for forever. Plenty of people are happy with good company and good sex, without wanting a forever commitment.

But since you suspect he likes you a lot, I’d say it’s unfair to continue and you should either end it or at least voice your doubts to him and see what happens. It’s not fair to keep going when one side is far more invested than the other. And if you are looking for The One, you’re wasting your own time as well.

I met someone a couple of years ago. I thought OK I haven't dated for a while things will get better. They didn't. It took 4 dates

You’d know by now if this could be long term for you. He’s feeling it; you’re not - you need to let him go.

End it now. It's not fair on him to continue things if you're not feeling it, especially if he's invested and thinks you're 'the one'.

^This.

Poor bloke. Stop wasting his time.

End it asap.

You think he’s invested for the long term.
You know you are not.

End it now. Surprised that needs pointing out.

WhilstI think the time depends on age, whatever age you’re at you’re past it at 8 months. Stop it now.

i think you really know deep down within 6 weeks. It’s long enough to give someone a real chance and to let things settle a bit too, so you see a glimpse of real life.

end it. I stayed with one guy at uni for 4 months, when really I knew he wasn’t right for me ( and he knew I knew). After we split up he got extremely upset and vindictive and started bad mouthing me to mutual friends and also started stalking me. It was awful. I should have listened to my gut and broken up with him a lot sooner: as I had let it drag on, people were more sympathetic to him, so the stalking was harder to deal with.

You need to do it now. Don't string him along, that's unfair. I was in his position very recently. We'd been dating a while and I felt like things were going to go somewhere longer term and then one day he came out with something very similar to what you said in your first post. He really liked me, I'm what he's looking for, we get on and have loads in common but he just didn't feel as strongly as he should and he didn't know if that was going to change. He said he didn't know if he could see it going anywhere long term and he was happy to keep seeing each other to see if that changed, but he didn't know if it would.

I was upset, but ultimately glad he'd been honest because he could have just kept quiet and then I'd have got even more invested and got badly hurt a few more months down the line. That would have been so much worse. Him being honest meant I was able to say thanks but no thanks, I'm not going to stick around while someone decides if they like me enough, I'm stepping away. And have managed to on the whole, step away with my pride still intact. Please do the same for him.

I agree you shouldn't keep stringing the guy along, You wouldn't want that done to you would you ?
Just tell him ASAP.

You have given it a good go OP, because he is nice and kind and you enjoy his company.

I actually respect that you have given it some time, because sometimes, those feelings can grow into amazing relationships, and I do think that some people 'sack someone off' really quickly if they don't get instant sparks instead of taking their time and seeing if there is something there.

Nice, kind men don't come along often so it's good to give it a go. However, 8 months is a long time to figure this out and I am sure you have known for a while that this isn't really going to go the distance.

You need to call it a day.

I had to do the same thing in my late 20's. Met a guy who was perfect on paper. Treated me well, my family loved him, we shared the same interests, he was nice and kind. But I just knew, after about 4 months in, that I wasn't falling for him in the way that I would have expected to.

It is hard sometimes, because at the back of your mind you are thinking 'what if I don't meet anyone else this nice and kind and regret it someday?'

But on the flipside I didn't want to keep going in a relationship that I knew was ultimately going to make me unhappy and it certainly wasn't fair on him to keep going with it.

Be brave, rip off the plaster, and have the talk.

Good Luck op x

Well, yes I've been there and mine was about 3 years. On and off. Because I kept trying to end it but couldn't really put my finger on why, thus couldn't explain to him why I was ending it and had no real reason not to go back. He kept telling me I was the love of his life, but I was just with him for the sex and the company. I always knew we didn't have a future. Yeah, pretty messed up looking back.
A friend said to me 'he doesn't have to be Mr right, just right for right now' and that was okay for a while, til I started wanting more than he could ever give me. He eventually cheated on me and I was so relieved 😂 because I had a proper reason to end it. Might be better to cut it now, if you can, before something forces your hand and leaves you both dented.