Would moving in with a new partner after divorce be too soon?

[Anon316]

Hi everyone, I’d really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I’m 35 and was with my ex-husband for 15 years. We were going through fertility treatment (due to issues on my side) when I discovered that he was having an affair with a work colleague. He left me for her last year.
I’m now unexpectedly 8 months into a new relationship, and I’m genuinely very happy. It wasn’t something I ever expected to happen so soon, but it feels healthy and very different from what I had before.

At the moment, I’m still living in the marital home while everything is being sorted through solicitors. The house will ultimately have to be sold, as I won’t be able to afford the mortgage on my own. The housing market is quite slow here, though, so it could be some time before that actually happens.
It’s made me start thinking about what happens next. I have no idea where I’ll live when the house sells, and I’m wondering whether, by that point, it would still be considered “too soon” to suggest moving in with my new partner.

For those of you who met someone after separation/divorce and went on to have a serious relationship, how did you approach things? Did you find that you were more intentional about relationships the second time around? Did you worry about moving too quickly, or did you just know when something felt right?

I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences — especially from anyone who has been in a similar position. ❤️

You did meet rather quickly, so I would say buying together is too soon. I would sell your house and get a rental together to see if you still like each other enough to buy together in a year.

I met my partner after divorce and we rented together for 6 months before buying to make sure we definitely wanted to buy somewhere. Personally getting out of a joint property for me was harder/took longer than my divorce!

Sorry I should have said, I knew him before for 4 years (through friends).

No don't do it. What would you do if you had not of met anybody? Live in a shared house if you have to and save.

I wouldn't buy with him. But what is his situation? Kids? Mortgage

Just keep a clear head when it comes to money and situation and divorce as it could get complicated

Have either of you got kids? Because if the answer is yes then I would say firmly no, it’s not fair on them to jump into living together so quickly. If not, then go for it if you want to but keep your finances separate as much as possible for a while.

How does your boyfriend feel about it?

Does he have any kids?

Sorry should have also added neither of us have kids 👧 just my cat!

Are there any children on his side what is the situation divorced separated? Where is he currently living?

I think it's too soon to buy together, but you might try renting for a while, or living with him in his home if he has one, to see how you get on. Knowing him as a friend isn't really the same as living together as a couple. Good luck.

I hate to say this but if you were a man considering this you would be called the MN classic name "cocklodger" because it sounds like your motivation to live with him is you not having your own home.

It would surely be best for you to take it slowly and buy your own smaller place (you could rent it out at a later date if you move in together) or rent somewhere just for yourself to start with.

You have been in a relationship since you were 20 so you really need some time alone to find yourself rather than jumping straight into something serious like living together, especially if it's mostly down to your circumstances.

If you’ve never lived on your own then I’d say, do that first. It was the best thing I ever did for myself (along with half a decade single). If you can buy alone, do that because you’ll have a safety net then and always have somewhere to live in the future. It’s fabulous living alone, as well- any mess you come home to was made by you. Conversely if you left it tidy it’s tidy when you get home. You can decorate how you want, no compromises. You can play whatever music you want, watch whatever film or crappy tv you want, it’s marvellous!

Personally I don't think it is great to over straight into being dependent on a new partner for your home.

You need independent security, and to be sure you aren't making the wrong decision because you need somewhere to live.

This is my experience having had a partner move in under such circumstances.

Yes, we were sure the relationship was good etc....but then it turned out it wasn't and my roof over his head had had considerable influence.

You've had the upset of betrayal after a long marriage, you need to recover completely and know you can be OK on your own two feet.

No kids, no rules.

Don't buy yet, so ok 1 rule.... But absolutely no reason he can't move in if you're ready, or you can't rent together once you sell. And make sure he's not a cocklodger. So 2 rules.

I’d give it at least a year, let the relationship develop naturally through the seasons and then you can assess with confidence. Do not under any circumstances put yourself in a situation where you could be homeless, not even for a day.

You need to plan to use the money from your house sale to buy a property for yourself, even a tiny, one bedroom flat. This is your best chance to build a financial foundation.

You need to manage the house-sale money carefully because it is really all you have. Do not spend that money on helping your OH/BF pay rent or his mortgage - that is money you may never see again.

Also, take some time for your relationship to develop. If things are really good, it will be fine for you to live in your place for a while.

I would rent a flat/house by myself. You may find you like living alone. Even if u don't, realistically moving kn together should not be for economic reasons

Me and my partner were in similar circumstances to yourself and we deliberately decided to wait a year.
Our concerns were:

• That its really easy when you've been unhappy for a long time, to think that something is wonderful and perfectly suited for you when actually, its just better and more fun than what you had before. Its easy to become complacent, easy to brush past issues without resolving them, easy to think its amazing when the reality is its just the comparison with your previous relationship that makes it seem that way.
• given the financial impact of a separation, we wanted to really play it safe before financially entangling as ultimately you are doing that to a certain extent even if you rent. If one of you went mad and threw the other one out in the middle of the night, what would you do from a practical standpoint. Seeing each other live independently helps confirm its worth taking a risk.
• I believe a lot of people mistake proximity and familiarity for 'this works' and we both wanted to make sure we had the headspace to decide if it was what we wanted - because like you, we were giddy with it and we were fairly convinced it was for the long haul, and we didnt want to screw that up by diving in the deep end before we were ready, as lets face it, a lot of people think they are ready then they arent. Not living together means you get physical and mental space to see it a bit more objectively, without the underlying pressure of 'its going to be challenging to break up if we live together'

I know this might seem overly cautious to some, but we thought it was something special and didnt want to risk that, so we waited and I wouldnt change it for a second. It was fun to continue to date and stay over and it made the move in all that more special as we'd rebuilt our lives and homes seperately away and were now bringing those new households together.

Rent your own home with your cat. Enjoy your new life.

It’s for the wrong reasons, it’s too soon and it’s you suggesting it because you need help with your living situation… if something goes wrong with this guy you still won’t have independence or have worked out how to live alone post divorce. Get your own place, rent or whatever and focus on yourself

If you were staying in the house you have now/money not an issue, would you be asking him to move in with you?

I personally wouldnt buy a house with someone again. Protect yourself and future and buy your own place. I also wouldn’t live with someone again. I personally think both have own places and see each other every week/weekend is perfect. No picking up boxers chucked next to laundry basket, resentment because hes not cleaned his skids off the loo etc! But thats me and im enjoying my own space!

I met my DP 3 months after separating from my husband and he moved in with me 8 months later, it’s been over a year now and going great! (We’ve now been together almost 2 years and he’s been living here just over a year). It just felt right and I absolutely love living with him. He still owns his own flat and rents it out, and contributes to half the bills here. So we are still separate financially and have our own means, although we have a joint account for food, meals/activities out, and holidays.

yes