Would moving in with a new partner after divorce be too soon?

[Anon316]

Hi everyone, I’d really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I’m 35 and was with my ex-husband for 15 years. We were going through fertility treatment (due to issues on my side) when I discovered that he was having an affair with a work colleague. He left me for her last year.
I’m now unexpectedly 8 months into a new relationship, and I’m genuinely very happy. It wasn’t something I ever expected to happen so soon, but it feels healthy and very different from what I had before.

At the moment, I’m still living in the marital home while everything is being sorted through solicitors. The house will ultimately have to be sold, as I won’t be able to afford the mortgage on my own. The housing market is quite slow here, though, so it could be some time before that actually happens.
It’s made me start thinking about what happens next. I have no idea where I’ll live when the house sells, and I’m wondering whether, by that point, it would still be considered “too soon” to suggest moving in with my new partner.

For those of you who met someone after separation/divorce and went on to have a serious relationship, how did you approach things? Did you find that you were more intentional about relationships the second time around? Did you worry about moving too quickly, or did you just know when something felt right?

I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences — especially from anyone who has been in a similar position. ❤️

I met my husband 3 months after he lost his wife to cancer. Everyone said it was too soon but after 2 weeks of meeting he moved in with me. 5 years later we're married with a little girl. Sometimes it's not perfect timing but it is perfect, do what feels right

Sorry I should have said, I knew him before for 4 years (through friends).

Knowing someone as a friend and being in a romantic relationship are two very different things.

I lost my husband to cancer 2 months ago and I simply cannot imagine this.

The grief is unbearable and I cannot even imagine looking at other men right now, let alone moving in with one within two weeks of meeting.

I've been on longer holidays than that.

Gosh most people haven’t even gone back to work after 3 months. Did you face a lot of backlash from his and his wife’s family?

I probably would if no kids involved either side.
But protect your assets.
Hope he is all he’s cracked up to be.

@Anon316 On MN users don't seem to like people moving on quickly and make it sound doom and gloom, trying to scare you off having a new relationship.

I got with my now fiancé six months after my marriage ended and we've been together over three years and get married next year.

My advice would be to rent with your partner and see how it goes! Good luck OP!

I think you can obviously do what you want as you only have yourselves to consider, but I do also think it is super important to live by yourself for at least a couple of years. It's so good to know you can do it and to see how it actually feels when it's just you, your stuff, your time, no compromising etc. You have been in a relationship your entire adult life and the best way to get to know yourself is to at least live by yourself, even if you are in a relationship.

Thank you for such a lovely comment - I’m amazed at all the negative ones and you are definitely right! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding ♥️

I made sure I lived on my own for just over a year while dating my now dh, so I could make sure I had time for any red flags to show themselves before I made a commitment to him. But then everything was fab and we got married and here we are.
Just make sure he is good. I was very cautious when I met my dh and probably tested him a lot, but was coming out of an abusive relationship.
Good luck, but stay cautious.

Thank you that's very kind. I wish you all the best! Life really is too short, so I say make the most of it x

Maybe get your own place on your own, and just date under more normal circumstances for a while. That way you’ll be secure if it doesn’t last the distance.

Defo rent/buy on your own first. Let the dust settle, have some time living on your own, enjoy having a relationship sure, but don’t rush into living with another man again. That’s what I did anyway, and I recommend it - allows you to clear your head of your long term relationship, and focus on just you and enjoying a new relationship without any pressure.

I think moving in together is fine but wouldn't recommend buying before renting together for 6 - 12 months.

A caveat would be if your marriage was abusive, you felt you lost your identity, or the break up has made you realise you need to work on boundaries or other relationship skills - in which case I think a couple of years in your own space would probably be a minimum to get yourself in a good place for living with someone again.

I met now-DH in 2015, he had just filed for divorce. We got together in November and I moved in with him the following April. His absolute came through in July/August. Yes it was quick but it was what we both wanted and we’ve been together nearly 11 years now.

I wouldn’t buy with him that soon, way too risky.

Too soon to buy or rent together.
I knew somebody who did this a few months after a unexpected divorce .

He basically couldn't cope with being by himself. And friends thought he was a bit desperate. Plus the new woman was a bit of a gold digger and wanted a meal ticket.

He did know the women beforehand by the way. Neither of them couldn't afford to buy by themselves.

I am not saying any of this applies to you.

They were very unhappy for a number of years before his death. And they were lumbered with a mortgage they could barely pay and couldn't afford to live separately

Beware!

If you haven’t dated since 20, you need to be alone and find yourself not moving in with a new guy. You also have divorce formalities to deal with. It’s not fair to involve your new man with the mess from the divorce.

Her OP literally says she was having fertility treatment for issues on her side. She hasn’t said about any miracle children since, so, we can probably assume, perhaps with some sensitivity, that the OP doesn’t.

New man may, she’s not said.

@Anon316

I would also suggest some living independently time before you cohabitate with new partner. Although, technically you may be doing that already now? 🤔

Defo rent before buying together. And yes, defo more intentional after being hurt, also just with maturing too I think.

Glad you’re happy! Sorry about the ex and fertility struggles.

I don't think you should view the comments as negative. For your own sake, since you have been in a relationship with the same person your whole adult life, it would be beneficial to properly land on your feet and create your own home and life first, before jumping into living with the next man. It's not judgement or negativity, it's just that you have gone through a lot in the recent past and sometimes it doesn't catch up with us until later on and if you are then in a situation where you are dependant on another person to help pay your mortgage or rent, it's a lot harder to untangle yourself. There is no harm in keeping the man but making sure you are completely healed before you fully commit again to someone.

She has said in a subsequent post that neither of them have children.

Don’t let either of your housing situations mean you end up living/buying together sooner than you would have otherwise

This is it in a nutshell I think.
Proceed with caution - the decisions you make should be solely based on what's right for you and not unduly influenced by being in this new relationship.

No kids involved then go for it! Sink or swim and it might be the best thing you’ve ever done.

Covid meant that I moved in with my DP sooner than we’d planned and it was a rocky start but we were committed to making it work. Second time around we both knew what we wanted and so the relationship felt different from the off.

I don't think it's too soon to try living together if you both want to and if you aren't turning a blind eye to red flags like many of us do early in a relationship, but agree with previous posters that you would be unwise to commit to owning a property together at the moment. Make sure that you can walk away easily if you have to without having to sort out a financial entanglement.