Do decent men date single mums?

[Betterdays66]

Do decent men date single mums? Im 35, 2 young DS and I’m convinced, hopefully wrongly, that I’m the bottom of the pile for the decent men now.. exH is still in the picture, we co-parent amicably and fairly. He found a decent partner very quickly and easily.

where do you meet decent men now? I really hate the idea of apps or OLD and it would be last resort. I do get decent chunks of time without DCs but they are my world, as they should be

I’m a weird age in my social circles and have a lot of childless friends so their dating advice isn’t always helpful (or encouraging!)

Yup. I’ve got one. He’s the only truly decent man I’ve ever met. I met him on OLD

Yes, they do.

It’s less important where you meet men than whether you have a strong set of filtering skills. I met my ex through a mutual friend at an industry event and he turned out to be an abusive asshole. I met my current BF, who is lovely, on Instagram.

OLD is death personified. Go out and meet REAL people.

I know someone in similar circumstances and she’s met someone who also has children and so they mostly see each other when their partners have their children. It works for them.

Yes, definitely. I met my lovely DP on Tinder! He only lives a couple of miles away but tend to move in different circles. I don't think I'd have met him without it.
But as a PP said, you need strong filtering skills
There are some lovely men who do OLD but also a fuckton of arseholes who are single for good reason.
My advice is to not take any of them seriously at all until you've had a chance to meet in person. Umatch or block at the first red flag. You'll be saving yourself a lot of time.
That's not to put you off. The great thing about the apps is that if you do go hard on filtering out the arseholes right from the start before you've even met or done much messaging, you can then spend time on the ones who are real possibilities.

I've three nephews that date single mums and are in LTR's

I’m 36 with 4 young kids from ages 2-9 and have also had this thought. I am not ready to start dating or anything of the sort yet, but it is definitely a worry I have for down the line.

For me I have my kids all the time

Ideally I would only date someone with kids as well

In my mind they would "get kids", they would need to have there kids a lot and not be a Disney parent

But having kids dating is not a disadvantage, I would hope that my kids get on with your kids

Yes and having 'baggage' will hopefully filter out the ones who dont want commitment.
You could mert someone anywhere, my friends have tried everything, last friend met the DP from work

I suppose there’s a lot to be said about needing to grow a thicker skin.. I don’t have much dating experience at all so it just makes it even more daunting, particularly now I have children to consider as well. I’m just very wary of misogyny etc and the whole “single mums are only good for one thing” view that I’ve scared myself senseless reading online (my own fault, own that entirely)

these replies are encouraging

There are plenty of divorced dads out there wondering where they're going to find a partner too, so yes there definitely are.

I wonder this a lot too, I’m not ready for dating yet but I’m 39 and a lone parent and I do wonder how small the dating pool is now. I imagine the available men are the ones women don’t want or have got rid of! But maybe I’m being cynical.

Yes.

Met him at work too! I don’t think I’d cope with OLD, real people and real conversation is what I needed, DP is much younger than me and I don’t think we would have otherwise have bothered had it been via OLD.

He is by far the most incredible man I have ever met and I couldn’t be hapier

Unfortunately it is a harsh reality that a lot of decent men won't date single mums, and if you're competing against single childless women then the men are going to go for them, usually with the hope of starting a family.

I've seen it both sides at dating events, the men I talk to are not interested in single mothers, and the women I talk to have grown tired at the ghosting once they announce that they have children.

Being totally realistic why would a single childless man want to take on another man's child, and also be faced with dealing with the woman's ex/DC father over contact etc? Why bother with the hassle?
But no doubt the thread will fill up with anecdotes about wonderful men who have done.

In think you are at difficult age/stage to meet men because the decent single ones who want kids have a very wide choice of women their age or younger,without kids.
And the ones with kids themselves will have young kids, which decent men will want to spend as much time as possible with.
In your position I would go out and find absorbing interests/hobbies/sports when you are not with the children and make friends out in the wild, which may lead to meeting a partner, rather trying to ‘date’.

whilst it’s hard to hear, i appreciate these views. If im totally honest myself, I’d probably question why someone would choose a single mother over a childless woman my age particularly with the view to starting their own family. I’m in therapy and do discuss my attitude around this to improve self worth etc. But that is also what my gut feeling is and I’m not unaware of societial views. I hoped to find I’d be surprised but I don’t want to be naive

I’m not the sort of person who “needs” a relationship and am quite happy muddling along alone but I’m human, of course it would be nice to have a partner to share life with. But I choose people for who they are and connection etc and I wouldn’t necessarily be put off by a situation like that alone (at any stage) if I thought we had a good thing. I’m trying to work out if that’s a flaw or something basically

I suppose I’m trying to adapt to the idea that while people have said that I’m great as an individual and they’d date me no problem, I’m not someone they’d choose now because I have kids and an ex in the picture and they don’t want that for themselves. Fine. But it is quite a sharp change to accept nonetheless.

I resent feeling as if I’m being put into a category and not being judged for who I am, essentially. Just wondered how widespread that view is so I can adjust accordingly. Like I said, I don’t have a huge amount of RL experience

Will also try the hobby route and not just rely on “dating”

Do you mind me asking what sort of work you’re in? Just curious

Yes I definitely felt this way.

I happened to meet my boyfriend on an app anyway (Hinge, if you're curious!). He has children but actually happened to have them when he was younger, as I did, so they're not very very little. Mine are old enough for me to leave them for a few hours in the evening, and we make time to see each other when we can, and message a lot. It works, and we're both very happy. Neither of us want more children. We both completely understand that the children we each already have, come first.

We both feel incredibly lucky though to have actually found each other. I was literally about to give up on the apps... I'd already deleted Tinder and Bumble and was logging in to Hinge to delete it when I saw his message to me, thought it felt interesting so replied, and the rest is history. Online dating was soul destroying. But I'd never have found someone "in the wild" and even though he lives down the road from me, we'd never have met - no friends in common and both of us prefer activities that are not "group" activities. You do have to have a very strong filter on the apps and be pretty ruthless. Have a decent profile which is clear about your personality and your wants.

I have quite a few single male friends that I consider decent. Hardworking, considerate, funny, reliable. Late 20s to early 40s. Some with kids, some without.

All of them will date single mothers but they aren't prepared to put up with unruly kids or if they are open to more kids, a woman who they consider to be an inadequate parent. They aren't up for toxic family situations.

Example, kids badmouthing or disrespecting new partner and/or their mum and then being told they have to accept it.

@Betterdays66 yes!

My DP is the best relationship ive ever been in and I met him age 40 with 2 young children. He is younger than me too.
He had never wanted kids, which worked for me as I was done, but he adores mine and they adore him.
I met him irl though not on old.

But old isnt all bad, before I met DP I had some success online, success as in decent matches, nice guys, no cat fishes, no misogynists etc obviously didnt lead to me finding anyone, but I had lots of fun and good first dates, second, third, forth etc so there are nice guys out there for sure.

Set your boundaries high, stick firmly to what you want, dont settle, dont ignore your gut feeling, dont create yourself a pen pal either, if they dont arrange a date within a week or 10 days move on.
Words mean nothing....actions actions actions.....if effort is poor in first month of dating, move on.....thats the best its gonna get!

Good luck :)

Probably but you still have to be prepared to treat those men correctly. Not always prioritising your kids over him, not expecting him to always pick up the bill for your kids, not standing back and watching your kids give him grief, etc.

Obviously not a man’s perspective, but DH had kids, I have SDC. We met at work though, where we got together by getting to know each other first, and it then seemed like less of an issue.

If I’d met him in a bar, I wouldn’t have stuck around once I knew, tbh.

I think you need to meet people in places where you genuinely get to know each other first - clubs, work, teams, groups etc.

I was childless though, I don’t think the same applies if the other person also has DC.

Yes, I did around 4 years after I split from my ex. He is divorced too and has children, although his are grown up. Mine live with me full time so it’s still a lot of adjustment for him, but it helps that he’s been through it all and neither of us want more children. I imagine a childless man would run a mile from me and my lot!

I never thought I’d meet anyone either and was comfortable with that, but we’ve been together for 2 years and he is amazing.