Partner moved in, now anger issues and conflict with my children

[Jansolo]

Hello,

I’m looking for some advice as I’m pretty isolated and too embarrassed to open up to close family and friends.

My husband passed away during Covid following a brave battle with cancer over a two year period. My mother-in-law and father-in-law passed away shortly after. I have a very dysfunctional family on my side and we’re not close at all. My husband and my family were everything to me.
I have two children who were quite young when my husband passed (9 and 11) and the scars of Covid and bereavement through such a challenging time has been very hard, to say the least.
As I mentioned previously, I’m now quite isolated. I have some friends who aren’t in close proximity - all of whom have been amazing. But they have families/lives of their own and don’t like to bother anyone with all the sadness we’ve been experiencing.

Anyway, in pursuit of moving on I met someone online a couple of years ago (with my children’s consent). He seemed really nice, lots of fun and just what we needed in our lives and he recently moved in with us. Since moving in our situation has become concerning. He doesn’t get along with my eldest daughter, he drinks too much and has anger issues (shouting and banging mainly).
He has no children of his own and has struggled to adjust to their ways (mainly mess, eating things and leaving wrappers about etc). He’s very tidy and helps out a lot around the house. He has tried hard with my kids in his own way, but mainly superficial where he’ll buy them things and make treats which they can be a bit indifferent to.
As a couple we aren’t sexually active. When we first me he said he didn’t really have much of a sex drive, which I was happy about as was just looking for companionship.
He quit his job last year due to a toxic relationship with his partner and spent all his savings trying to create his own business over the past 8 months. He recently began earning again, however, his car died and I agreed to loan him money to buy a new one. I was expecting he’d choose something reasonable but picked a high end car under the premise he’d pay me back. This left me feeling uneasy but he had a bit of an outburst when I queried it and to keep things peaceful for my kids I agreed. I’ve never received any repayment.
My husband and in-laws left us with some inheritance and I stupidly passed on this information. I feel this has been the main attraction on his part.

Things have become unbearable at home, especially between him and my eldest daughter. He works from home which has forced me to change job and reduce my hours to ensure I’m around to monitor what’s going on.
I asked him to move out today and he told me he has a bankruptcy order in place and can’t afford a deposit to rent anywhere.
He’s requested I withdraw some money from my mortgage which he’s been paying towards over the past year to assist him. I’ve told him under no circumstances will I be doing this and that he should sell the car I bought for him.
He has no friends here, doesn’t speak to any family (has fallen out with them all during our time together). I feel utterly ashamed to have been so stupid and to have put my children in this situation.
I feel completely trapped.
Just to add, I’m a low income earner. All the money we’ve inherited has gone into ISA’s for my kids and I’m not willing to give him another penny. Feel responsible for helping him to find somewhere to stay though, especially to keep things calm for my kids sake.
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated please (and yes, I know I’m a complete idiot!).
💗

Is the car in your name? I'd report it stolen if so.

If it isn't, I'd take him to small claims.

But I understand why you mightn't want to do this if fear is involved.

You've been conned OP. Get him out ASAP.

Quit his job due to a toxic relationship, right. Fell out with all his family, there's a surprise. Everything's always someone else fault with this type. I bet all his exes were "mental" / evil / gold diggers etc, yes?

You are not responsible for any of his problems, and his aggression will only escalate. Change the locks and feel no guilt at all.

If you are scared OP that he will not leave please speak to the police. He has no rights whatsoever to remain in your property and them being around when he leaves may be a good thing

Op ring women’s aid. Get him out and don’t look back. Xxxxx

You were vulnerable and men like this prey on women who are. I don't like kicking people when they're down, but you need to do better for your kids.

If it makes getting out the door easier, pay for one night in a hotel for him then he's on his own.

@Jansolo get him out now
your lucky that labour hasn’t yet changed the law that would potentially allow dickheads like him to make a claim on your property and savings

the car you could potentially change the logbook to yourself if it’s registered at your address as he won’t know 😂 straight away and then go and get the car from wherever he Is staying

if it’s a new car it’s probably got an app on it that if you have it on your phone you will see where it’s parked

Situations like this is exactly why I am totally against labour who want to push through a change in law for co-habitation
a chancer like this guy could easily walk away with something if labour changes the law on
co - habitation

otherwise what is the point of getting married if a partner can potentially take half of your stuff after 3 years

He's earning and he has a valuable car.
He can use his salary to pay a rental deposit or sell the car or trade it in for a small cheap one.
He can do that within a day.
Worst case (from his pov) - he can live in his (new cheap) car for a month and wfh in the library.

OP - please don't beat yourself up and don't waste your energy on guilt over things that happened at the most vulnerable point in your life.

Use your strength and energy for getting your life back on track. You have done really well to have reached this level of determination to get him out.

Wishing you good luck!

@Jansolo
Please don't feel embarrassed about giving him the money for an expensive car.
You sound like a polite person who wouldn't dream of exploiting someone like that, and as such you expected that he would behave in the same way. The problem is that when he doesn't you are put on the spot, you're afraid that if you refuse he will become belligerent and that will make life difficult for all of you in your own home.
We can all say that you should have stood up to him, but it's hard to stand up to a bully when they live with you and you know that they can hurt you much more than you can hurt them.

Your children and their entire lives and future well being are 100% reliant on you choosing them by leaving this man. They need you to do it for them. If you don’t you likely will face a bad relationship with your children when they reach an age that they realise you had to choice to protect them and you didn’t. He sounds abusive and awful. Leave him.

I promise, OP, your children will be ok and it would be far worse for them if you kept this wanker in your life - many do.

Well done for asking him to leave. I lost out on a lot of money and items when I left an abusive ex. In the end, I took it on the chin as a loss, but everything was replaceable and money well spent for getting the bastard out of my life - you can't put a price on peace.

Might also be worth getting a Ring doorbell if you haven't got one, and changing all the passwords on your devices, and updating your antivirus software etc, as a precautionary step.

Did you give him the money to go and buy the car OP, or did you make the purchase yourself? If the latter then the car is yours, regardless of who is on the log book. The owner is the person who bought it. The person on the logbook is the registered keeper. If you've got the receipt of purchase then you're within your rights too keep the car and/or sell it.

@Jansolo , i have been in a similar position. I was madly in love with a man who was essentially penniless. Of course he didnt tell me this and hid it quite well whilst we were dating. I allowed him to move in with me and my kids, then aged 12,9 and 5. `he had been great with them before. It all fell apart ovr the next two years. I was 100% funding him, he stole from me, he ended up being vile to my eldest. I felt so trapped I seriously though my suicide would be the only way out. In teh ed I did what as been suggested on here, he went out. I changed the locks. Then i found a good therapist very quickly because I needed help. Today is the 10 year anniversary of the day I got rid of him. The gulit was awful I still feel it. The children and I had some family therapy which was great ( although they barely engaged, it helped me to manage their anger with me) and we have talked and ralked about it. Now they are adults we are all close. he duped me, as you have been duped, These men are VERY clever and can spot a vulnerable woman a mile off.

Get him out, he is not your responsibility, your children are. Then, if you possibly canm get a therapist. It changed my life for the better and I am now very settled. content and happy. Do feel free to DM me and I will try to help, Big hug

Nice one.

You need to be very careful here OP. You must make him leave, but you need someone there with you when you do it, or the police. You have said he has a temper - this could potentially be explosive. I really would change the locks, and get him out immediately. He really sounds unsafe.

I'm rooting for you OP, call the police if you get worried though and report. At least you've realised now, and he's shown his true colours. Your intentions were good, but his were not. Hopefully, this will be the end of this chapter and you can create a new, peaceful chapter for you and your kids. You are strong and you can get through this.

Well done for recognising what needs to happen. During your attempts to get him out please do not hesitate to the call police if he shows ANY signs of threatening and intimidating behaviour, like banging, shouting etc. You can even call them in advance and ask them to put a flag on your address so that if you call they will immediately send someone out. Once he’s out I highly recommend getting a ring door bell and cutting all communication. Having lost the car money is a shitter but any reason he has to remain in contact with likely be used to manipulate you so I’d let that go.
Women’s aid are also great for advice, but I’d explore local one to one domestic abuse intervention that you can receive in terms of safeguarding you and the kids from future partners. Your grief likely made you vulnerable and he has played on that. Have any of you had any bereavement counselling? I also think it’s really important you support your children to understand that is an abuser so they can process what has happened and gain knowledge in the longer term about what is not a healthy relationship.
Good luck!

Well done! How did he take that? Hopefully he’s packing his bags as we speak…

Involve the police.
He has put you under pressure to buy him a car.
For goodness sake do not allow him to walk away with thousands of pounds that should be for your children.
Talk to the police and womens aid.

He is most likely to try to intimidate you if you try to have "an adult discussion"!
This is a time when you could really use some help around you.
In the absence of family or friends you will have to rely on professional agents.
You should try the police. They are much more geared up to coercive control these days.
His anger display is a form of coercive control.
And the police do help in these circumstances.Living in fear is the end result of his behaviour.
He feels entitled to whatever you have and making you feel isolated and endangered is definately coercive control.
The police could arrest him for this.
The last thing they want is a revenge attack because you told him to leave.
It would be much safer for you if the police arrested him. Then maybe rent your home out and rent a place elsewhere until you finally feel safe.
When you feel safe enough you could sell your home and start a new life elsewhere.

Adding my voice to previous posters. Get him out of your home and out of your lives. He's a leech who has abused your love and trust. He's a verbally aggressive and drunk misogynist who clearly targets solvent and single women to support his desire for flash cars and alcohol.

You are NOT 'an idiot'. You may have been too open and too willing to trust but scunners like this are manipulative and predatory. They look for a target. They appear charming and fun to be with so that they can get their stinking feet under the table. Then they start to leech. Once they've got settled the mask is cast aside.

You need him gone. I hope you didn't add him to the deeds and mortgage so he can't claim that way. Has he paid towards say renovations or a new kitchen or similar? Sometimes these types of payments can be considered but they are not the same as rent or board & lodging. You say he moved in a short time ago. How long ago? How does he pay you for living with you? If it's by bank transfer and the statements show he's describing it as mortgage then whether he can claim any money back is dependent on several factors and it would be wise to see if you can get an appointment with CAB. However if he's only been with you a short time then what he may get will be minimal.

As for the high end car. Who is the registered owner? If it's him then you will unfortunately probably need to write that money off. Take it as the price to lose this freelancing tosser. If it's you I'd probably be tempted to be sneaky. Let him go with the car. Once he's out of your hair and out of your life claim it back and get it removed from the manipulative git (he's bankrupt, that's one hell of a thing to conceal from a partner). But that's me and you sound far kinder.

Stay firm on your requirement for him to leave. If he doesn't pack his bags then pack them for him when he's out and either change the locks or add strong bolts to the doors he has keys for. If he shouts or tries to force his way in you should call the police as they can act in these cases. However you will need to remind them that lodgers (cock or otherwise) have no tenancy rights. You as the resident homeowner have a right to feel safe and secure with your children in your own property. A lodger who you think poses a threat can be evicted without notice.The

Frankly bastards like your partner should have a warning tattooed on their forehead and their gonads. They take advantage and deliberately target vulnerable people who have resources such as money or houses. Kick his rotting arse to the curb. Ideally with steel toe capped boots.

No great expertise but a friend did have to get the police involved in the end to evict her ex partner. Women's aid were very helpful in guiding her through the process.

Be calm. Be clear that you are serious about him going. It's a shame it didn't work out,vbut you weren't to know. Give him a clear and reasonable deadline for when he should be gone by, and then it's so much more obvious if he is or is not cooperating.

Thinking of you and hoping that he goes quietly.

If he won't leave today, call the police to have him removed. You're doing the right thing.

You would only be an idiot if you continued the relationship, knowing what you now know. He has no right to be there. If he refuses to leave, call the police or contact Womens Aid for advice. You and your children have suffered enough. Whatever money you have given to him, write it off as a small price to pay for the peace you and your children will have.

I hope everything turns out ok for you and your children xx