Partner moved in, now anger issues and conflict with my children

[Jansolo]

Hello,

I’m looking for some advice as I’m pretty isolated and too embarrassed to open up to close family and friends.

My husband passed away during Covid following a brave battle with cancer over a two year period. My mother-in-law and father-in-law passed away shortly after. I have a very dysfunctional family on my side and we’re not close at all. My husband and my family were everything to me.
I have two children who were quite young when my husband passed (9 and 11) and the scars of Covid and bereavement through such a challenging time has been very hard, to say the least.
As I mentioned previously, I’m now quite isolated. I have some friends who aren’t in close proximity - all of whom have been amazing. But they have families/lives of their own and don’t like to bother anyone with all the sadness we’ve been experiencing.

Anyway, in pursuit of moving on I met someone online a couple of years ago (with my children’s consent). He seemed really nice, lots of fun and just what we needed in our lives and he recently moved in with us. Since moving in our situation has become concerning. He doesn’t get along with my eldest daughter, he drinks too much and has anger issues (shouting and banging mainly).
He has no children of his own and has struggled to adjust to their ways (mainly mess, eating things and leaving wrappers about etc). He’s very tidy and helps out a lot around the house. He has tried hard with my kids in his own way, but mainly superficial where he’ll buy them things and make treats which they can be a bit indifferent to.
As a couple we aren’t sexually active. When we first me he said he didn’t really have much of a sex drive, which I was happy about as was just looking for companionship.
He quit his job last year due to a toxic relationship with his partner and spent all his savings trying to create his own business over the past 8 months. He recently began earning again, however, his car died and I agreed to loan him money to buy a new one. I was expecting he’d choose something reasonable but picked a high end car under the premise he’d pay me back. This left me feeling uneasy but he had a bit of an outburst when I queried it and to keep things peaceful for my kids I agreed. I’ve never received any repayment.
My husband and in-laws left us with some inheritance and I stupidly passed on this information. I feel this has been the main attraction on his part.

Things have become unbearable at home, especially between him and my eldest daughter. He works from home which has forced me to change job and reduce my hours to ensure I’m around to monitor what’s going on.
I asked him to move out today and he told me he has a bankruptcy order in place and can’t afford a deposit to rent anywhere.
He’s requested I withdraw some money from my mortgage which he’s been paying towards over the past year to assist him. I’ve told him under no circumstances will I be doing this and that he should sell the car I bought for him.
He has no friends here, doesn’t speak to any family (has fallen out with them all during our time together). I feel utterly ashamed to have been so stupid and to have put my children in this situation.
I feel completely trapped.
Just to add, I’m a low income earner. All the money we’ve inherited has gone into ISA’s for my kids and I’m not willing to give him another penny. Feel responsible for helping him to find somewhere to stay though, especially to keep things calm for my kids sake.
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated please (and yes, I know I’m a complete idiot!).
💗

He’s clearly a con man and saw your vulnerability as an opportunity. Thankfully, you’ve now recognised this and are taking steps to get rid.

If he doesn’t leave quietly today, phone the police and ask them to ‘help your unwanted (cock) lodger’ to leave your home. Tell them he’s prone to violent outbursts and you feel afraid for yourself and your young children.

Don’t beat yourself up. You were suffering from grief and made a minor error of judgement. I’m sure your friends will support you when you explain he’s now gone. If they’d already met him, I wouldn’t be surprised if they now tell you how worried they were for you, but didn’t feel able to voice their concerns.

The car doesn't need to be a peace offering. If it happens that way, don't beat yourself up. Very sorry op, you've been through tremendous loss and it sounds like you've been coping well all things considered.

If he'd actively trying to prey on a widow he's total scum. I would play hardball on the car if possible, but there's only so much you can do. I would encourage him to sell to pay for rent, and ideally pay some back to you if at all possible.

That his own family relations broke down after he met you sounds like he's a user who stopped being nice once he didn't need their support anymore.

Yes, won't be the first, and won't be the last. But this can be your last day of misery with this bastard under your roof, @Jansolo. And you'll learn from it.

'Shouting and banging'? If he won't go peacefully, call the police to get him out. He has no right to be there, intimidating you and your kids. He can go to a Travel Lodge.

Please do a claire’s law!

Womens aid will give some good advice about safety as abusive partners can be arseholes when things end.
I think you are right to let him keep the car so he can fuck off somewhere or sleep in it. Try and get a ring doorbell if you dont already have one and make sure you tell the neighbours to keep an eye out for you. My neighbours were great when I went through this.
And you are doing the right thing for your kids. They will understand your guilt. Maybe see if you can get away somewhere for a while.

Ring 101 for advice and request a Clares Law. This man has groomed you, you were vulnerable. His lack of sex drive is concerning, do you think he maybe sexually interested in your children? Sorry but there are so many red flags here, my spider senses are going into overdrive.

I had a piece of shit like this move into my house but as a lodger first and stupidly slept with him which turns my stomach thinking about. In the end the police had to supervise him moving out. He tried to cause a lot of internal damage to my home when he got nasty, he tried and failed to use my credit card fraudulently, take out a loan in my name amongst other things. Total waster and loser but thought the world shined out of his arse. Thankfully he was only under rental licence in my home so easy enough to get him out and keep him out but entitled little pricks like this see your honesty, gentleness and vulnerability and take advantage of it. I am glad you are getting him out and look, lesson learned and no harm done. Best of luck going forward x

Yes was in a similar situation with my sister years ago, her dh passed, met someone online 2 years later the next he moved in and very quickly wanted expensive purchases etc but luckily she listened to family and friends gave him no money and we helped her see and 2 months later after being repeatedly asked to leave and him saying he had no money to leave she called the police and they removed him the same day, a locksmith came also and changed the locks as was recommended by police so he couldn't get in with any key he may have had cut. The children are happy again and my sister, we put it down to grief and trying to find the happiness she had again and not seeing the red flags. Now she is married again to a very nice dh and the kids like him and he more than pays his way and our family love him to

I have read the thread, but haven’t seen if anyone else has suggested a Clare’s Law application?
He will have behaved like this before, he’s probably behaved better with you than with previous partners because, to put it bluntly, you are a golden goose. I see no reason whatsoever for you to give up on the cost of the car, you loaned him the money, he’s made no payments, inform him that he needs to transfer ownership, or set up a repayment plan. Be careful though as he may have also bought the car on credit and used your cash to pretend the business is beginning to succeed. You may not get the money back , but just conceding it will be seen by him as a sign of weakness, and he will leverage that.
You say you feel guilty, well save those feelings for your children, I would bet they have seen him clearly for the user he is for some time, and they will feel insecure.
when speaking with him you absolutely must get your game face on, be cold, be clear,make no concessions. Change the locks and put his stuff out at the first sign he’s digging in.
And tell everyone ! Your friends, colleagues, boss, your neighbours ,your dysfunctional family. Don’t sugarcoat it for your children, tell them you made a mistake and that he’s awful, but you are getting him out. There are a few hints to me as an ex social worker, that he has actually been physically violent, or you have felt the threat of it. If you are scared, and I think you are, please tell everyone. Tell us ! But Clare’s law first.
This man may escalate now he knows it’s ending, keep yourself and your children safe, and don’t hesitate to call the Police if he threatens you, hurts you or damages and steals your things. your new life starts here.

I call cocklodger. Get him out before the sunsets. Close the door. Take your kids out for a meal and tell them this will never happen again.

Well done @Jansolo and just to be sure, let the Police know that you have asked him to leave and are concerned he may not do so.

You are a good mother getting rid of that idiot, All the best moving forward op.

You need to get him out of your home and life OP, and enlist all the RL help you can in doing it. Please don't be deterred from reaching out to friends, if they are true friends they will want to support you. Please engage with the police and other agencies who can support you with getting this man out of your & your children's lives.

Don't be ashamed: he was evidently looking for a vulnerable family to latch on to and he is now showing his true self now that (as he thinks) he has got his feet under the table and can bully and browbeat you in your own home. People like him are evil in my view.

Well done. Next time make it clear you want a relationship without living together, a genuine guy will understand that.

@Jansolo just to send sympathy for the horrible position this awful man has caused.
You owe him nothing. If it comes to it he can live in the car he conned you out of.
Realistically that's probably written off in terms of the money you've paid for it, but might be a price worth paying to get him out of your life. On the other hand, if you can evidence it was a loan you might be able to pursue that later on.
Please do come back and update us on how you're doing.

I do not in any way think you are a complete idiot. I think you have been deceived - but we all make mistakes at times.

This man gets no more money from you at all. If he is bankrupt it is not your fault. You don’t care where he goes. That is NOT your problem.

He goes and you change the locks.

He’s absolutely vile and his poor financial decisions are not your worry.

Tell him it’s over and give him a deadline to move out - have a friend with you if needed for safety, or call on the police if he kicks up a fuss.

You’ve compromised so much in such a short period of time for this waste of space and he won’t even repay you what’s due to you. Get him gone.

Some very good advice here OP. Just didn’t want to scroll on by without saying good luck!

Thank goodness he is not on the mortgage - paying towards it for a short period has absolutely no legal standing or claim

I also agree with possibly needing to involve police if he won’t leave. He literally has no right at all to stay - and you also have no obligation to allow him to stay until he is sorted with somewhere else

Sorry OP for what you have been through. Losing someone during civid lickdown is hard. I lost mum mum on the first day. I am also recently widowed so feel your pain.
Sorry, but you need to throw this one back. He sounds like an alcoholic and the low sex drive is a dead giveaway.
His is also an abusive grifter.
Unfortunately he may resist moving and you may be wise to go to the police for advice.
Don't be to hard on yourself. Most of us have relationships we would rather forget. Learn from this and hopefully there is a great guy in your future but just know your self worth and be patient.

Youve made the right decision lovely (absolutely) but please do one more thing.

Stop blaming yourself.

You were vulnerable, you were taken in, you've paid the price, you've learned.

Line drawn. The fault is his, not yours.

Dont be so ridiculously letting him keep your car !
As if woman ! If he takes it you simply report it stolen.

Would you allow him your tv?
Gold necklace ?
Of course not.

He doesn't need to be kept sweet !
Your dc need the money you will be spending paying for that car!

i agree. Give him a week max. Then change the locks and go and stay with friends while he tries to harrass you for a few days and come back when it’s calmed down. Call the police any time he causes issues.

how much money did you give him for the car? Does it match how much he gave you for mortgage?

Well done for asking him to leave OP! And don’t be too hard on yourself, lessons learned after a hard & vulnerable time! Many women will have experienced similar (myself included).
women’s aid are a great help and will give you both emotional and practical support.
if he becomes difficult call the police and follow through on consequences, that will be a huge deterrent for any threatening behaviour moving forward.
As for feeling guilty or wanting to keep the peace in terms of more financial help, try not to fall into that. A time to be out by, along with police contact if he is difficult is the best he deserves and the least complicated way forward.
stay safe and reach out for support, you have nothing to be ashamed of 💐

Ive no words of wisdom but I just wanted to say please do not feel guilty, OP. Youve done nothing wrong. Youre entitled to a new and loving relationship.

The fact that this man is a manipulative and feckless user is no fault of yours. When you are a person with integrity, you naturally assume others are the same. You havent been stupid - youre just a decent person and expect others to be the sane. Give yourself credit for having seem through him before youre truly financially embroiled.

OP, as others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty or bad about.

If you have any trouble getting him out of the house today, then you can get an emergency non molestation order.

Ideally, you would have a solicitor do this for you, but you can do it yourself. There is no fee for the application.

All details can be found here:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401