Partner moved in, now anger issues and conflict with my children

[Jansolo]

Hello,

I’m looking for some advice as I’m pretty isolated and too embarrassed to open up to close family and friends.

My husband passed away during Covid following a brave battle with cancer over a two year period. My mother-in-law and father-in-law passed away shortly after. I have a very dysfunctional family on my side and we’re not close at all. My husband and my family were everything to me.
I have two children who were quite young when my husband passed (9 and 11) and the scars of Covid and bereavement through such a challenging time has been very hard, to say the least.
As I mentioned previously, I’m now quite isolated. I have some friends who aren’t in close proximity - all of whom have been amazing. But they have families/lives of their own and don’t like to bother anyone with all the sadness we’ve been experiencing.

Anyway, in pursuit of moving on I met someone online a couple of years ago (with my children’s consent). He seemed really nice, lots of fun and just what we needed in our lives and he recently moved in with us. Since moving in our situation has become concerning. He doesn’t get along with my eldest daughter, he drinks too much and has anger issues (shouting and banging mainly).
He has no children of his own and has struggled to adjust to their ways (mainly mess, eating things and leaving wrappers about etc). He’s very tidy and helps out a lot around the house. He has tried hard with my kids in his own way, but mainly superficial where he’ll buy them things and make treats which they can be a bit indifferent to.
As a couple we aren’t sexually active. When we first me he said he didn’t really have much of a sex drive, which I was happy about as was just looking for companionship.
He quit his job last year due to a toxic relationship with his partner and spent all his savings trying to create his own business over the past 8 months. He recently began earning again, however, his car died and I agreed to loan him money to buy a new one. I was expecting he’d choose something reasonable but picked a high end car under the premise he’d pay me back. This left me feeling uneasy but he had a bit of an outburst when I queried it and to keep things peaceful for my kids I agreed. I’ve never received any repayment.
My husband and in-laws left us with some inheritance and I stupidly passed on this information. I feel this has been the main attraction on his part.

Things have become unbearable at home, especially between him and my eldest daughter. He works from home which has forced me to change job and reduce my hours to ensure I’m around to monitor what’s going on.
I asked him to move out today and he told me he has a bankruptcy order in place and can’t afford a deposit to rent anywhere.
He’s requested I withdraw some money from my mortgage which he’s been paying towards over the past year to assist him. I’ve told him under no circumstances will I be doing this and that he should sell the car I bought for him.
He has no friends here, doesn’t speak to any family (has fallen out with them all during our time together). I feel utterly ashamed to have been so stupid and to have put my children in this situation.
I feel completely trapped.
Just to add, I’m a low income earner. All the money we’ve inherited has gone into ISA’s for my kids and I’m not willing to give him another penny. Feel responsible for helping him to find somewhere to stay though, especially to keep things calm for my kids sake.
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated please (and yes, I know I’m a complete idiot!).
💗

Please - don't be ashamed. People like this are usually wonderful to start with otherwise they wouldn't ever be able to ensnare their victims, if you had known his true nature from the start then of course you wouldn't have ever got together with him.

Now his mask has slipped and he's shown you who he really is, you're taking action - well done.

You're also absolutely not responsible for finding him somewhere to live. He's an adult, he's made his choices in life and he needs to live with them now.

Literally change the locks the second he leaves the house. Like buy a lock now, YouTube how to do it. The second he leaves you change the locks. Bag up all his stuff. And drop it out the window to him. If he kicks off you call the police. Tell them about his drinking and anger issues and that it is your home, in your name and he is not safe around you and your children.

Has he actually been contributing to the mortgage or just sending you money?

He has a bankruptcy order in place, he sounds utterly useless, the chances of him actually being able to take you to court and argue any kind of rights to your home are slim to none. Do you have any texts or anything where he discusses paying you back for the car?

Cut your losses and get him out of the house asap, this is an escalating situation with a volatile man who has already shown how abusive he is.
Can I respectfully suggest that you prioritise your children in future? What on earth possessed you to let a man you hardly knew move into their home?

You don’t have to let him down gently or help him move on from your house. In fact the more you try to make the separation easy for him the more messages you are unconsciously giving him that your decision is not final. And he sounds like he will try his ardent to exploit any signs of kindness from you. So be tough. Consider Clare’s law check with the police to identify any known risks of dv if you have noticed he can be angry and violent. You tell him clearly “this is no longer working, I don’t want to be with you any more and you need to leave today. You owe me x amount for the car. You have not paid a penny towards my mortgage, you paid towards your own living expenses.” If he tries to change your mind or negotiate keep your responses clear and short, “I don’t want to discuss it any further”. “I am not responsible for what you do next”.

And DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED. Tell people. These men are protected by women being embarrassed about how they are treated so no one knows. You're protecting him, not you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

If in England they don’t as he doesn’t have priority need

He has to go NOW. Give him a weeks notice and then change the locks. If he kicks off, call the police and get a restraining order.

You may need to write off any financial loss, but better that than the current situation continues. It will only get worse.

My relative is embarrassed. Her adult DD asked me for a legal recommendation as I used to be a legal PA but she can’t face dealing with it or is too ashamed (she did tell my mum about this).

Do not be embarrassed and tell people OP how this arsehole is treating you. Just a chat to a close friend by phone would help a lot.

He can go back to were he came from before moving in with op,
who cares anyway, op needs to get him out, not ask just bloody get him out,

Can I just say, you're not an idiot. You acted in good faith. How does that make you an idiot? Is it better to be walking around as a total cynic all the time? You were loving and kind, that's all.
In my past relationship, I also only discovered my ex-DP's anger issues well into a committed stage of the relationship (more than 2 years in). For us, it progressed really badly from bad temper in small situations to an eventual assault, after which I left him, but not without a very traumatic time trying to disentangle myself from him. I'd never felt so scared or lonely in my life, so I really appreciate what you're going through. I sincerely hope your man won't turn out to be violent and unhinged, as mine did, and I wish you and your kids all the best. But please don't blame yourself, because horrible men don't show their true face immediately (as no one would put up with them - it's only once they feel secure and have got you into a hard-to-leave set up, that they start to reveal who they really are. That doesn't make you stupid, it just means they're devious).

I was hoping that a restraining order wouldn’t come to it in this case but I know friends who’ve got one (one not married but living with boyfriend).

I would say don’t let him get rights eg as lodger or something. Someone I know had a boyfriend do that in her mortgaged flat and it was a nightmare evicting him, maybe the law has changed since then.

He can sell the car and use profits to rent if worst comes to worst.

You're not an idiot. You trusted a man and he prayed on your kindness, vulnerability and loneliness. It has happened to many of us.

Don't for a minute entertain his claims he has paid your mortgage. He's paid you "rent" as a lodger at best (not a tenant) and nothing more. Give him 28 days' notice he needs to leave. After this, if he's not gone, you are within your rights to pack up his things and change the locks. Go to Citizen's Advice to get clarity and advice on your position. Also let any friends (and even your shit family) know what is happening so that you are not isolated and he can't try to twist the truth. If at any time you feel under threat from him, log it with the police. I know it's embarrassing, but you need to put your safety and that of your children above any embarrassment. Like I said, you have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. Relationships fail all the time.

You don't owe him a penny or owe him help with housing. He's the one who owes you money for the car and I'm sure the rent payments didn't even come close to what you've lent him. The only person responsible for him, his behaviour and how it's affected his living situation is him. It's not as though you're asking him to leave for your own selfish reasons. Let him sleep in his car or go to a hostel until he has enough for a deposit.

You need him out and quickly. Put your kids first and get rid of him. Sorry to be blunt but that's the only way to support your children properly - they should not be going through this!

I've said this earlier.

I had a troublesome lodger (not dangerous, just a pain in the arse!) who refused to leave and I posted on here. SO many posters with 'call the police'. They won't do anything, he's not technically doing anything illegal! If there's a domestic incident (i.e he's being threatening, arguing, shouting etc etc) THEN they might attend, but they will not do anything if OP rings and says 'Yeh there's a man living with me and I want you to come get him out'. They'll just say 'Well tell him to go then!'

I had worked for the police, and when I told said posters this none of them beleived me! I rang them in the end just in case I was wrong and things had changed but they said 'Ring us if he become aggressive'. (Un) fortunately, he didn't, he just sat there and said he hadn't found anywhere else yet, was I sure I wanted him to go etc.

Anyway, with the OP as PPs have said, this man does sound to have a foul temper and I am worried for her that he actually WILL become aggressive, even physical. She'd be safer to change the locks while he's out and THEN ring the police if he becomes aggressive/causes a nuisance.

There’s nothing in your post that suggests this is a relationship remotely worth hanging on to, he needs to move out.

And no, you don’t need to pay him to do so.

Agree 100% get rid and FFS do not give him any more money.

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for all of that. You’re completely right, my children need to be my first priority (which they are) and I’ve asked him to leave today.
You’ve no idea the amount of guilt I have that I’ve brought this into their lives. 💗

I posted wondering if anyone had been through anything similar or which steps to take as I fully anticipate difficulty getting him to leave.

Women’s Aid is a good shout as a starting point, thank you. Unfortunately, I do think the car’s a write-off as a peace offering to try and avoid any altercation or further drama for my children’s sake.
I’ve learned my lesson and honestly can’t believe I’ve been so gullible! I was in the midst of grief and have messed up hugely.

He’s not on my mortgage thankfully.

Thanks so much again for all your advice. I know what I have to do. 💗

Just wanted to add you're not the first woman to be duped by a selfish, manipulative aggressive man child. So please don't be embarrassed, they're literally everywhere.

Please don’t sink any more money into this massive bloody parasite

My husband and in-laws left us with some inheritance and I stupidly passed on this information. I feel this has been the main attraction on his part

As you recognise yourself the sharing of this information was unfortunate, but I'm quite sure you're right about his real motivation

Clearly you'll never see the car money again, so I'd tell him that what you loaned him can be viewed as your contribution to his home deposit, and that if he needs to free up this money he can sell it and buy a cheap runaround

That done, and if he has no legal right to be in the house (please say he's not on the mortgage or deeds? ) I'd simply change the locks

Edited to add I cross posted with your update and am so glad e's not on the mortgage, but as for "I’ve asked him to leave today" - has he actually agreed to go?

Put his stuff in bags and leave it outside. Change the locks at the same time.

He has no legal entitlement to remain in your home. You've already asked him to leave, he's refusing. Off he fucks.

Do you have anything in writing about the loan for the car? Texts, Whatsapp, messages, anything?

Hi OP, I'm sorry this man has only shown you now who he really is. Please don't feel bad at all, you haven't done anything wrong at all. If the police can't help then give him notice and change the locks when he's out, then call the police. But please be careful, if he has anger issues and suddenly finds himself homeless this might create a bigger problem. Sorry I don't want to be scaremongering but you need to think about yours and your childrens safety too just in case.