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Original poster

Non-mol… red flag?

79 replies

babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:11

So I recently reconnected with a man that I knew quite a few years ago. In the meantime we both got married and had a child and then split up with partners.

He’s still going through divorce and family court. I’ve been split up for longer than him and have been single a few years so been there and done that. It doesn’t put me off as such that he’s going through it having been there myself.

We don’t talk much about it as it’s early days, but he did mention recently that his ex has now applied for a non-molestation order and is alleging emotional abuse.

I had already done a Clare’s law (just past experience) and that came back with nothing.

I haven’t had any issue with him at all, I’ve been enjoying dating him, we have fun together, he’s been kind to me, helpful etc.

But the mention of the non-mol keeps playing on my mind.

His side is that he wants to settle everything amicably, sell the house, split it all fairly, same with the child arrangements but it’s his ex disputing everything (I know this is on his side of course!).

They have an informal agreement with their child but she’s often stopping him from seeing their child so he’s had to start family court proceedings to get it set up more formally.

I do really like him, but is this a massive red flag? They’ve been separated over a year now and as far as I know he hasn’t been dating.

OP posts:
WinterBlues26 · 13/08/2026 18:18

His side is that he wants to settle everything amicably

No person fights for no reason and if he truly wants it amicable, and he was throughout his marriage, then why would his ex seek a non mol? Divorce is no fault nowadays so it won't help her there, courts prefer a clean break rather than mesher so it won't help her there either. So you need to ask yourself why. I suspect he was a cruel and not a very nice person during their marriage and that would put me off dating him.

EDIT
Is she stopping the child OR does the child not want to visit him and mum is being supportive of the child's choice. This distinction matters imo.

TofuTuesday · 13/08/2026 18:21

I’ve known several people get divorced over the years and my unscientific anecdata reveals most of the men behaved badly during the rationship (including my own ‘lovely chap’ who was abusive) and maybe two of the women could have behaved better during the divorce. So I’d probably chuck this one back.

category12 · 13/08/2026 18:24

They don't give out non-mols like sweeties.

Massive red flag.

LeebLeefuhLurve · 13/08/2026 18:26

I would ditch his ass solely on the basis that he's not even divorced yet and no doubt will need you to be his sounding board/emotional support pet for when he needs to vent about his terrible ex and all the terrible things she's doing. I get proceedings take time, but I'd want someone on the market who is available without those ties.

A non-molestation order would cement the decision. Throw this one back, he sounds like a world of hassle.

Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:32

He says he thinks she’s behaving like this as she wants an order to stay in the house until their child is 18.

He says he’s had the house valued 3 times and seen solicitors and offered to sell it and split everything 50/50. Neither can afford to buy the other out, his wife doesn’t work. So it would need to be sold. Very short marriage.

I am not sure why she is seeking a non-mol now. They have been split up over a year. He says she’s applied for the non-mol when he has started family court proceedings. He says they don’t have any contact other than about their child.

Their child is less than school age so I don’t think old enough to not want to see Dad. He’s shown my photos of when he does see his child and they look happy but I know it’s hard to judge. The way he talks about them it seems that he really cares and is devastated that she hasn’t stuck to the agreement and is picking and choosing contact. He’s not trying to take child away from Mum he just wants reasonable contact.

Not making any excuses for him I’m just genuinely trying to understand it all.

I know it seems not worth it at all, but we have been getting along so well and I’ve been single a few years now. Wasn’t trying to meet anyone just happened across him again and it’s been lovely so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:33

category12 · 13/08/2026 18:24

They don't give out non-mols like sweeties.

Massive red flag.

There isn’t one yet. She’s applied for it. It’s an on notice hearing as it’s not urgent. So I don’t know if there will be one but that’s what she’s applied for.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:35

LeebLeefuhLurve · 13/08/2026 18:26

I would ditch his ass solely on the basis that he's not even divorced yet and no doubt will need you to be his sounding board/emotional support pet for when he needs to vent about his terrible ex and all the terrible things she's doing. I get proceedings take time, but I'd want someone on the market who is available without those ties.

A non-molestation order would cement the decision. Throw this one back, he sounds like a world of hassle.

I get that but I also went through a horrible time with divorce and family court, it’s a bit sad to think someone could automatically think I’m no good due to those circumstances.

We don’t talk about it often at all, had a bit of a discussion about it and he was honest about what was going on with the divorce. And then it’s only come up again recently because of the non-mil application and he wanted to be honest and tell me.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 13/08/2026 18:36

Don't move in with him. Just enjoy dating if you still want to.

Gowlett · 13/08/2026 18:37

Lovely to his new lady, dickhead to his wife?!

Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:38

Bananalanacake · 13/08/2026 18:36

Don't move in with him. Just enjoy dating if you still want to.

That is 100% not on the cards and wouldn’t be for a very long time if it continued. Not just with him but with anyone.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 13/08/2026 18:38

Sorry if that’s harsh… My DH is lots of fun when he’s outside the home. Just be careful.

Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:39

Gowlett · 13/08/2026 18:38

Sorry if that’s harsh… My DH is lots of fun when he’s outside the home. Just be careful.

Totally get that, I know most people put on their best front when they’re dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:41

category12 · 13/08/2026 18:39

Go have a look at :
https://www.taylor-rose.co.uk/posts/what-evidence-is-needed-to-apply-for-a-non-molestation-order

You're only getting his side, of course he's going to say he's being reasonable and she's after the house. What else is he going to say?

I know there needs to be evidence for it. I guess if it’s granted that will say it all.

OP posts:
LeebLeefuhLurve · 13/08/2026 18:44

But look at how much headspace this is taking up - the early days of dating should be taken up by deciding where you're going on your next date, or which movie to see. Not wondering why his estranged wife is seeking a non-molestation order! No man, no matter how lovely or wonderful they seem, is worth that.

JoyousWriter · 13/08/2026 18:45

Scarlet and crimson massive flag.

Menapausemum1974 · 13/08/2026 18:47

babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 18:11

So I recently reconnected with a man that I knew quite a few years ago. In the meantime we both got married and had a child and then split up with partners.

He’s still going through divorce and family court. I’ve been split up for longer than him and have been single a few years so been there and done that. It doesn’t put me off as such that he’s going through it having been there myself.

We don’t talk much about it as it’s early days, but he did mention recently that his ex has now applied for a non-molestation order and is alleging emotional abuse.

I had already done a Clare’s law (just past experience) and that came back with nothing.

I haven’t had any issue with him at all, I’ve been enjoying dating him, we have fun together, he’s been kind to me, helpful etc.

But the mention of the non-mol keeps playing on my mind.

His side is that he wants to settle everything amicably, sell the house, split it all fairly, same with the child arrangements but it’s his ex disputing everything (I know this is on his side of course!).

They have an informal agreement with their child but she’s often stopping him from seeing their child so he’s had to start family court proceedings to get it set up more formally.

I do really like him, but is this a massive red flag? They’ve been separated over a year now and as far as I know he hasn’t been dating.

@babysnark1 i obviously can't tell you what is true with this but what i can tell you is i was witness(overheard the telephone conversation ) and actually congratulated the person i was with for speaking with their ex and making massive progress, she sounded delighted on the phone about resolving things , she just wanted to finish shopping and would call back to discuss. Never called back and sent a solicitors letter stating he was abusive , threatening and presented as a danger on that call. That absolutely was not the call i was overhearing.
Be careful but remember both sexes can behave badly! good luck

DozyCrow · 13/08/2026 19:03

Has he said why they split up if it was a short marriage? Did one of them cheat?

I'd keep things very light and casual until you know whether the non-mol is issued or not. Could be he's an abusive prick or maybe she's a nasty person trying to keep the child to herself and keep their joint house. Even if it's the latter, this relationship is not going to be smooth as his ex will cause problem after problem. It will affect your own relationship with him. Think about whether you want to deal with that.

Humbug79 · 13/08/2026 19:04

My DSIL lied about coercive control and emotional abuse in order to get full custody of my DN. I know this because she confessed her lies to my DH. At this point there was nothing we could do, though the whole business makes me sick. My DSIL is very charming and plausible, and also has a history of making stuff up. I used to be "believe all women" when it came to divorce, family law etc, but having been played, and seen how the court system can be manipulated, I've sadly grown a bit cynical. Divorce is ugly and brings out the absolute worst in people. So yes, it is possible your DP is a victim of a vindictive ex.

ComemosZanahorias · 13/08/2026 19:10

The usual case of his version, her version and the truth somewhere between. Having been the ex of a hideous abuser (with a non-mol against him) as well as the partner of two men with hideous abusers for ex wives who did unbelievably cruel things to their ex husbands, I’d say this sounds like more bother than it could possibly be worth.

If the former, then the red flags are waving at you directly. If the latter, his life and by extension yours will be made miserable for years to come, if you are mug enough to stick with it. So all in all, surely it’s better to be happily single (and dating if you can be arsed) than stuck in either of those two potential scenarios.

Ditch him, if the non-mol comes to nothing then take a considered view about how much you want to be with a man with a nightmare ex. If it’s granted then you have your answer and the next person to do a Clare’s Law will get the truth. Either way, not worth it IMO.

Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 19:10

DozyCrow · 13/08/2026 19:03

Has he said why they split up if it was a short marriage? Did one of them cheat?

I'd keep things very light and casual until you know whether the non-mol is issued or not. Could be he's an abusive prick or maybe she's a nasty person trying to keep the child to herself and keep their joint house. Even if it's the latter, this relationship is not going to be smooth as his ex will cause problem after problem. It will affect your own relationship with him. Think about whether you want to deal with that.

From what I gather no cheating. They got together and got pregnant quite quickly. He had the opportunity to move abroad for work and they got married (registry office) and moved with the baby. He said things happened quite fast and it was clear after a couple of years of marriage that they weren’t happy together/weren’t suited. I don’t know her side though. His is that they rushed in.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 19:12

ComemosZanahorias · 13/08/2026 19:10

The usual case of his version, her version and the truth somewhere between. Having been the ex of a hideous abuser (with a non-mol against him) as well as the partner of two men with hideous abusers for ex wives who did unbelievably cruel things to their ex husbands, I’d say this sounds like more bother than it could possibly be worth.

If the former, then the red flags are waving at you directly. If the latter, his life and by extension yours will be made miserable for years to come, if you are mug enough to stick with it. So all in all, surely it’s better to be happily single (and dating if you can be arsed) than stuck in either of those two potential scenarios.

Ditch him, if the non-mol comes to nothing then take a considered view about how much you want to be with a man with a nightmare ex. If it’s granted then you have your answer and the next person to do a Clare’s Law will get the truth. Either way, not worth it IMO.

I know what you’re saying. But I am also one with a nightmare ex. My ex-husband made horrible allegations about me in family court and tried to get full custody of our shared child. It backfired and it came to nothing and it’s him left with minimal custody (at first it was supervised). People like me with nightmare exes still deserve love.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysnark1 · 13/08/2026 19:16

He also told me after his solicitors initially put forward 50/50 split, which she rejected, he offered 70/30 just to try and get it sorted. But she has no legal advice and is doing this all on her own and just said she won’t accept anything other than the whole house. Having been through divorce I know it’s quite irrelevant and he accepts she’s financially entitled, but it’s not a case of her putting more into the house and their life etc- she didn’t work and he financially funded the house purchase.

He hasn’t got a high paying job or anything, so by giving her all the equity or the house (and continuing to pay the mortgage for the next many years until the child is 18), he will struggle to house himself, and obviously their child too who he desperately wants to be a parent to.

OP posts:
ComemosZanahorias · 13/08/2026 19:16

I’d rather be single than be dating/committed to a man whose ex did nothing but continue to make mine, my kids’, her kids’ and her ex husband’s life a full time misery. Twice I have walked away from wonderful men because the stress on our relationships was too much. I’m still pals with them both but the daily grind of living it was not right for any of us. Their kids being used as pawns in the middle and to hurt my kids was the worst. Second time round I kept my kids well out of it but the nightly distressed conversations about his kids and their pain just got too much.

venmor · 13/08/2026 19:19

The divorce and family court would be enough to put me off dating him anyway. There are plenty of men not going through that, no need to over complicate.