Non-mol… red flag?

[babysnark1]

So I recently reconnected with a man that I knew quite a few years ago. In the meantime we both got married and had a child and then split up with partners.

He’s still going through divorce and family court. I’ve been split up for longer than him and have been single a few years so been there and done that. It doesn’t put me off as such that he’s going through it having been there myself.

We don’t talk much about it as it’s early days, but he did mention recently that his ex has now applied for a non-molestation order and is alleging emotional abuse.

I had already done a Clare’s law (just past experience) and that came back with nothing.

I haven’t had any issue with him at all, I’ve been enjoying dating him, we have fun together, he’s been kind to me, helpful etc.

But the mention of the non-mol keeps playing on my mind.

His side is that he wants to settle everything amicably, sell the house, split it all fairly, same with the child arrangements but it’s his ex disputing everything (I know this is on his side of course!).

They have an informal agreement with their child but she’s often stopping him from seeing their child so he’s had to start family court proceedings to get it set up more formally.

I do really like him, but is this a massive red flag? They’ve been separated over a year now and as far as I know he hasn’t been dating.

People like me with nightmare exes still deserve love.

Yes, but it's also absolutely classic for abusive people to claim their exes are crazy.

Sometimes the ex is "crazy" but it's reactive abuse. Sometimes the ex just has acquired boundaries they don't like.

You just don't know which it is at this stage.

Be cautious.
Maintain critical thinking.
Pay attention to any other red flags.
See how he reacts if you say no to something or have a different opinion.
Consider how he talks about and treats women generally.

Watch how he is if things aren't going his way.

You don't want another nightmare ex.

Non-mols are not automatically given, but are free to apply for, so no barrier to doing the application unlike most court orders.

Has the non-mol been granted? It is a quick process and takes a day or two. A week max. I have one and had to show a shit ton of evidence including CCTV of him stomping on my head. They dont hand them out easy. Run.

No it hasn’t, the hearing is coming up though. It’s an “on notice” hearing rather than an ex-parte (without notice) which are generally very quick as you say.

He hasn’t actually called her crazy once. And I was generalising by calling mine crazy. He was just very nasty when we split. He hasn’t said she was a bad wife, crazy or anything awful. He’s just said the marriage didn’t work and they rushed in, he says she’s a good mum, he loves his child, and doesn’t understand why she is being unreasonable about the house as they both need somewhere to live. His words once were something like “I don’t understand how you can have a child and marry and think you’re going to spend your life with someone, for it to end up like this”. He’s adamant he doesn’t want a fight.

You know an awful lot about the finer details of his circumstances.

Make sure he's not just using you as a shoulder to cry on to get him through difficult times.

Personally I'd steer clear. If he's genuinely interested he'll seek you out again once it's all sorted.

Sounds like being single for a long time is clouding your judgement and you asking the question on here is your intuition telling you this could get messy but you don't want to listen to it because it's nice to not be single. The deeper you get with this the deeper your feelings will get for him.

Listen to your head, not your heart, on this one.

If she gets it then run for the hills. I’d probably run for the hills even just for her seeking one. But they do not hand these out for no reason so please, please, if she gets it, ignore his excuses and leave.

Speaking from personal experience. I had an ex whose ‘crazy ex’ got a restraining order on him ‘for no reason’. Spoiler alert - he was violent and abusive in pretty much every way, I saw nothing of this until I was pregnant and brainwashed and stuck with him (at least I thought I was).

I don’t understand what’s wrong about knowing some details? We’ve been dating a few months, I knew him previously and we both knew the other person got married/had a child so naturally we did have discussions about why those relationships didn’t work out.

Maybe on the outside it seems like it’s taking up loads of headspace but it really hasn’t been. Anything to do with our exes/divorce is less than 1% of our conversations/time together.

I’ve started to put together the pieces that I do know only after finding out about this non-mol application and I came on here to get some outside perspective.

I feel torn having been the victim of a vindictive ex myself, but also feel for his wife if there has been abuse having been there myself in the past (hence doing the Clare’s law).

We’ve got a few things planned between now and the hearing so I’ll probably just carry on for now, but I know you are right, if she does get it I will need to end things. I have a child so I can’t take that risk in the event things got more serious. I believe he will tell me if it is granted, and wouldn’t try and hide it.

Even they only really take a month ;/

I would absolutely not trust him in your position. I also think it's a bad time to be dating someone while still going through what sounds like a messy divorce. So 2 red flags there, I would get out.
It's also a red flag to me that he accepted 70/30 and still doesn't want her to have the house. The child needs stability and he isn't putting the child's needs first.
I'd be out.

Massive red flag.

And where have I said it’s been a month?

How is he supposed to house himself if he has zero? From what I understand from having gone through divorce myself, it’s incredible rare any party gets 100%.

Im not saying he should get 0, I'm more pointing out the fact that he doesn't seem to be putting his child first, and that would be concerning for me.

It would be a red flag to me, but if you want to carry on dating him then that's your choice. I'm merely giving my opinion.

My sons dad went through this with his ex wife. He wouldn't hurt a fly, and I can hand on heart say it was a load of bollocks. Court seen through her, but the stress of it and all the lies caused him to have a mental breakdown. She's the only person I utterly despise on this planet. She's evil.

So in my experience, no it's not always a red flag. The mother of the child can be a twisted person that is aiming to wreck her ex's life.

A non-mol would provide her with the LASPO evidence to access legal aid in any divorce/child arrangements proceedings.

@aliasfrogcan you explain what you are saying then? Because at the moment mum and child are living in the house, she does not work so he is still paying the mortgage, mum has the family car, he is paying maintenance. I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable to want the house sold, they could both buyer a smaller house from that.

Im also going off my own experience where my husband earned more than me, we had a longer marriage, and I did not get to keep the house (nor did I ask tbh!). It was sold and the equity spilt and we both got our own house. I thought that was pretty normal!

Got lots of divorced friends and none of them have got to keep the house and live in it, unless they could afford to buy the other party out?

I would say yes, but the active thread "child issue" shows that his version of events is not impossible.

However, the situation sounds very complicated and is unlikely to be resolves anytime soon. It sounds like he should be focusing on that rather than a new relationship.

This.

@babysnark1

She's applied for a non mol
She's alleged abuse
He hasn't fought in court for 50/50
She's financially vulnerable. Yes she can get a job but we know it's not that easy and won't happen fast.
It's just a parade of red flags.
I would stay far away from anyone accused of abuse. Think of all the abuse cases that aren't reported. The likelihood she's doing it to be vindictive are statistically very low, so I just wouldn't get involved.
Even if it turns out he's fine and nice, you'll have to deal with his ex for the next 16 years and if she's the kind of person to falsely allege abuse, she will make life hard for you
So either way, it just doesn't seem a good idea.
You came here for answers because I think you know in your gut something isn't right.

If she is granted the non mol you HAVE to end it. You have a child

He has started the family court process, they had an agreement for contact between them but it hasn’t worked.

Agree with most of your points, but I’m more financially vulnerable in that I have to pay for my own stuff and support myself. At the moment she has all her main living costs paid for and she’s had a year to look for a job or retrain. She had a job before marriage so I don’t really see why she couldn’t again. She’s a young woman, I don’t think it’s expected that she would never have to work again? The little one still goes to nursery as well.

I am more worried about the non-mol application than anything else, I really don’t think he’s unreasonable re the divorce and split of assets/finances personally.

Agree it’s rarer for people to make false allegations, but from doing a Clare’s law she hasn’t reported anything to the police? Which I don’t really understand if it’s true.

@babysnark1 I never reported my abuse to the police because my ex was very manipulative and I knew he would turn it back on me. So not everything gets reported.
You'll know once you have the outcome of the non mol, at least. I'd try and find out info about that independently of what he tells you as well, but I am a suspicious person so maybe over cautious

He needs a lawyer re forcing the sale of the house. If he ends up with 50/50, he needs somewhere to house his child too.