Non-mol… red flag?

[babysnark1]

So I recently reconnected with a man that I knew quite a few years ago. In the meantime we both got married and had a child and then split up with partners.

He’s still going through divorce and family court. I’ve been split up for longer than him and have been single a few years so been there and done that. It doesn’t put me off as such that he’s going through it having been there myself.

We don’t talk much about it as it’s early days, but he did mention recently that his ex has now applied for a non-molestation order and is alleging emotional abuse.

I had already done a Clare’s law (just past experience) and that came back with nothing.

I haven’t had any issue with him at all, I’ve been enjoying dating him, we have fun together, he’s been kind to me, helpful etc.

But the mention of the non-mol keeps playing on my mind.

His side is that he wants to settle everything amicably, sell the house, split it all fairly, same with the child arrangements but it’s his ex disputing everything (I know this is on his side of course!).

They have an informal agreement with their child but she’s often stopping him from seeing their child so he’s had to start family court proceedings to get it set up more formally.

I do really like him, but is this a massive red flag? They’ve been separated over a year now and as far as I know he hasn’t been dating.

My friends abusive ex used to have a favourite saying ‘I just want it to be fair and 50:50’ but really what he wanted was 50% of the fun stuff with none of the responsibility. He wanted to drag her to court constantly making false claims of self harm and eating disorders. He reported her for benefit fraud (there was one but she had to be investigated and provide evidence). He threatened to try to take the kids from her full time because she was an unfit mother.

‘but all I want is 50:50 boreded’s friend’

She needed a non-mol after he because stalking her and checking her bins, trying to force his way into the home, however he also requested a non-mol so that she couldn’t mention him on her socials (she didn’t anyway)

’but I want to be 50:50 in the kids lives, boreded’s friend, I just want it to be fair’

Tried to take more than half of the house and 75% of her pension, undervalued earnings to say he was being paid just 650 a month whilst pocketing the rest as cash in hand.

he played doting dad, whilst purposely upsetting the kids so that they came home saying that mummy is angry and hates us. Why do you hate us mummy.

If a non-mol is taken out against him it is probably for a reason, watch out for the red flags

@babysnark1 Agree it’s rarer for people to make false allegations, but from doing a Clare’s law she hasn’t reported anything to the police? Which I don’t really understand if it’s true.

I had a non mol against my ex (he faces a criminal trial next year for breaching this).

if I had done a Clare’s law on him nothing would have come up. Because I never reported him. Until an entire professional network supported me to leave him, keep myself and the children safe and apply for a non mol. It was only at that point that I put together reams and reams of evidence from me, social care, schools, CAMHS, police call-outs. Until it is put together and brought to attention it can go under the radar incredibly easily.

you say you have experienced abuse: surely you then know how very difficult and perhaps impossible it can be to speak out and name it as abuse when you are in it or are so very gaslit.

listen to your gut. This is such a huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩

"She's now applied", so the hearing is in a month, tops.. can't you just put things on hold until that's sorted? He might be trying (maybe he already is) to prime you to accept his version of events, non-molestation order being granted or not.

You haven't said how long you've been dating except saying recently reconnected but based on your updates the biggest red flag is how much he's told you about his "crazy" ex. Watch out OP, he'll be using you in some way to counteract it all, we see it time and again on these boards.

The way I see it is that either the non mol is warranted, in which case it’s a no go. Or his ex is THAT unreasonable (to put it mildly) and he is tied to her for the next 15 years . Which means you and your child will be as well. Do you really want to willingly bring that into your lives? For years to come?

I wouldn’t bother with this OP. She would need some evidence of domestic violence or emotional abuse to get the non-mol. Either way it will be a massive hassle to be involved in.

Absolute best case scenario here is you tether yourself to a man who’s embroiled in acromonious and costly legal processes for years and years.

They haven't given one out already. The ex has applied for one.

How much drama do you want in your life?

If the answer is you enjoy your peace, this is not the man for you. He's going to have tons of drama upcoming and what sounds like a high conflict co-parenting relationship for years to come. He's got heavy financial costs upcoming if his wife is fighting everything.

He's not even divorced yet.

Do you have kids? Do you want them affected by his drama that has no resolution in sight for years? Because it will. What affects you affects them. If you're on a relationship where your partner requires a lot of emotional support, that's you less available for them. I grew up with family drama and mangled family and it sucks.

I think he's got a lot of red flags. The outcome of the non mol will resolve the biggest one way or another, but man, constant conflict due to an ex is no way to live. I'd pass just on that.

He's supposed to think of his child first and foremost. You're trying to defend him in everyway, so stick with him and find out for yourself what's he really like and not what he is showing now, always the good side instead of asking people and then throwing back what they say.

Erm you do know you don't get a non molestation order unless you have good proof..mine was stalking, verbal abuse, physical abuse...I did the Claire's law nothing was eventually convinced his ex gf was lying about what he had done, that was till he beat me so bad I called the police and found he was known to them from other incidents, before that I was putting up with the verbal abuse and general physical. Funny thing is even with proof an arrest and charge x 2 on my side he is still able to charm with the click of a finger as his now fourth soon to be ex wife we all have the same exact stories charming loving until married then switched off....Mine went further than a non mol because a judge said he wasn't safe to be around our baby aswell so no contact at all and. Don't be fooled by the nice guy is what I'm trying to say and the not on Claires law apparently meant nobody had ever filed proper charges that went to court with police not sure of that's right

Ive had similar experience. I wouldn't say he was abusive to his ex. However there was more to the story than he said and he did have contact with his kids.

I think its not the right time. He still has things to sort out. I would stay clear for now and let him focus on his divorce and seeing his child. His priorities are not dating OP.

No, I wouldn’t take the risk. All this just screams drama.

I would honestly take a step back and let him sort all this out. I would be worried you will be mentally dragged down by it all and you will never know the true story as to who's right and who's wrong

He is telling you about it because he thinks it will be granted.

Even if he’s telling the truth, it’s best to leave this alone.

He shouldn’t be dating while his life is so messy. Early relationships should be carefree and fun, this sounds like it’s going to be difficult and you’ll have to spend countless hours discussing his ex and the situation. Ideally he would have sorted this after leaving the marriage rather than drag you into his mess.

it’s a bit sad to think someone could automatically think I’m no good due to those circumstances.

Don't date someone you feel sorry for.

He will be able to date once his divorce is out of the way, without using his dates as emotional support animals for his divorce process. This is temporary for him, as it was for you.

My ex told me about him being arrested after an acrimonious split with his ex quite early on in our relationship. He said he wanted to be open with me, and she had done it to get back at him for some bad behaviour after the split. I'm not daft by any sense, but he told me in what seems such an open and candid manner, answering any question that I had, that I didn't see any reason to doubt him.

One very acrimonious split a restraining order later, I'm convinced he told me so early because that way he got to frame and control the narrative in case I heard it anywhere else- and more fool me, it worked!

Even if that isn't what's happening in your case, and everything he's said is completely true, firstly do you really want to be involved with all this drama? Secondly he doesn't seem like he's even begun to start processing what happened in his last relationship before embarking on one with you. If it was me I'd be worried he was nowhere near being in the headspace to start a new relationship- this should be the fun, relaxed, getting to know you bit! Not fretting about non-mol orders, and whether he has a crazy ex, and deep in the weeds of an acrimonious divorce. You say people with crazy Exs deserve to be happy- yes of course they do! But if this relationship is right for you both it'll still be just as right in a few months time, and if he's a decent bloke he'll understand and wait. What's the hurry? Because to me that's as much of a red flag as any non-mol order.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate it.

Just to confirm, I will without a shadow of a doubt end things if the non-mol is granted.

If it’s not then I know I still need to think carefully about the other points raised, such as potential drama etc etc.

You need to consider how he treats the mother of his children, granted or not granted a non-mol.

Also, she will be aware that if they sell the property and split that she will be unable to get a mortgage because she does not work. The money she will receive will be lost essentially because it will mean she cannot claim benefits.

In this situation the best thing for the CHILDREN is to allow the mother to retain the property until the children are 18, and to maintain his share in it. If they own it 50:50 and she continues to pay the mortgage herself, then he is not financially burdened by it (other than in lending potential) and she does not lose her benefits. His long term position continues to improve because he is building equity despite not contributing to the costs of the property. His children benefit from having the stability of their childhood home, and their mum still has a regular income until she can go to work herself.

The only downside is he may need to rent for longer than he would have liked instead of getting a mortgage immediately.

THIS is what he should be doing to protect his children

Or lovely new lady, dickhead wife. We have no way of knowing.

How are you going to manage the progression of the relationship in the meantime? How are you planning to guard your heart?

It's easy to say "I will end things" but in a few weeks, you might be deeper in emotionally and more inclined to overlook/dismiss it as the product of her machinations.

I will know the outcome of the non-mol next week, so no concerns of anything getting serious before that.

I think you are playing this right op, it does sound like she has issues.

as for the poster that suggested he should give her the house, really?!

Is that me?

A mesher order is absolutely appropriate in this situation. Benefits to all, mostly the children