Ex filed for divorce today and also wants to get back together

[RainbowsandCats]

Ex messaged me today to let me know he’s filed for divorce. He also told me he still loves me and wants me to come home and for us all to be a family again. So now I’m confused 😵‍💫

We’ve been separated for a year now (not amicable) lately he’s been sending kisses in his texts, romantic messages and pictures etc.

He also whispered “come home” when he dropped DC off this evening.

I find his behaviour confusing but he said we can’t stay in limbo forever etc.

What are everyone’s thoughts?

There must've been a good reason you left him.

Get that divorce finalised quick!
Anyone who can mess about like that saying opposite things on the same day is someone you should run far away from.

Ugh. Dick

sorry Op😢

Also - he’s filed online and the end of next week I’m taking the DC on a special holiday (a once in a lifetime trip) very excited and he knows we are going. Now the paperwork will probably arrive when we are away or land in my inbox on the holiday. Apparently I only have 14 days to respond. I swear this has been done on purpose! But who knows😵‍💫

Do you want a divorce? It feels like a power play. But maybe he is saying he wants you back but if you’re not coming back he wants to get on with his life.why did you split up? Is he normally controlling?

He’s playing games. Cruel ones. He’s showing you who he is - although I assume you already knew. Divorce him, you’ll be happier.

Thanks! I find it really odd, if he genuinely wanted to reconcile then why file for divorce? He says he wants us all back together by Christmas…
so what he says is that there’s “no pressure” and we have a 22 week wait for the divorce deadline to reconcile?

He says that being separated is like an open wound and we need to either reconcile or admit it is over now.

I agree we can’t be in limbo together but to have two completely contradictory actions in one day is just odd.

He says he loves me very much and he will work at whatever is needed for our family but if not then we need to divorce…

He is going to really shaft you in the divorce.

If you are off balance, you won't see it or fight it.

Hit pause on confusion and approach your divorce with your children in mind, their future comfort, their future life. (I only say "for the children" because it sounds like you won't do it for yourself - he has confused you).

I think you need to talk to him.
What do you want to do?

I left due to controlling behaviour and other issues.

This is his last ditch effort at maintaining that control.
Remember this is the reason why you're leaving, all he's doing is reinforcing it and you'll be better off without him making you question everything.

He is still trying to control you.

Agree. Think about how you felt when he was controlling you and remember why you separated. He’s only telling you he wants you back because he can no longer control you and hates that helpless feeling, watching you get on with your life and smiling. He probably also wants sex on tap. Was he a sex pest?

You’re not living in limbo.

you’re living as a separated couple, coparenting and pending legal separation.

rather than thinking about what he is feeling or thinking, focus on what you are feeling. You left him due to his behaviour. That hasn’t changed. He’s still telling you what to do.

do you want that or not?

And he is still trying to control you. Do you recognize this? Do you have someone irl to talk it over with?

It sounds as if he has deliberately timed filing to coincide with your trip so he is getting inside your head when you should be having the time of your life.

Don’t let him win,

What do you want OP? He’s maybe filed and immediately regretting it. Too final and just wants you back. Sounds like you had good reason to leave though. Would he really change?

Yes it could be that he’s panicked and now it feels final. He says he’s not the same person as he was a year ago, I left due to name calling, controlling behaviour and nasty stuff that he would say in arguments like telling me to go and kill myself among other things. So I left and we’ve been living separately ever since but recently he’s been saying it doesn’t feel right and he wants to reconcile while simultaneously filling for divorce 😵‍💫

Of course it has!

He's probably reliased what's He's losing now He's filed the paper work.
My ex husband wanted me back after the girl he cheated on me with left him, told him not a chance in hell

Yeah he thinks ghat if he gives you a deadline you’ll panic and fold. Ignore him and get that paperwork done asap, I always feel better when my paperwork is done and dusted.

Is there someone that can go into your house to check your post deliveries while you are away, and they can let you know if something official/formal looking arrives.

Is it only him telling you he has filed or do you know this from another source? Have you appointed a solicitor? If the paperwork does arrive, perhaps your friend going into your house could drop it at the solicitor on your behalf, and they can deal with the first part - like contact whoever needs to be told that you are away until X date so there will be a response to the paperwork by Y date (maybe a week after you get back)?

Are you in the uk? No paperwork if filed online

You need to let tge divorce happen. He's still manipulative. He's still controlling. This us a power play. If you go back the abuse will escalate. It will be harder to leave. The guilt you'll feel about going back, leaving again and DC going through the separation again will be massive.

mind games? only you know what he is like.

It may be an idea to talk things through one last time and if he is genuine it might work.
Has he had any relationships since you parted, is that finalising?

What has made him change his mind?