My best friend is leaving today

[OrangeGlacierMint]

Today my best friend leaves and there’s a chance I will never see her in person again. My heart is breaking. She’s moving thousands of miles away.

We have been friends for so many years and she’s just someone I thought would always be there. The thought of carrying on my life without her just doesn’t seem right.
Her husband has secured a new job and she recently found out she’s expecting so they are settling down. I wish so much that all of this could have happened somewhere closer.

Due to my fear of flying and financial situation I very much doubt I will ever be able to visit her. Her husband has also made it obvious they have no intention in returning or even coming back to visit 🙄

It’s all so final. Since she told me I’ve led awake at night crying and it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up.
How is it possible that she won’t be here tomorrow!

I don’t know how I am even going to say goodbye later. I’m a sobbing mess already.

As someone who moved countries last year, the mental toll of setting up a new life and sorting out life admin was a shock to me. I didn’t expect it take the amount of time and energy it did, coupled with the fact I was trying to figure out new routines, where and what to get for mundane food shops, trying to make new friends, get registered in places I didn’t know I needed to be registered in, keep up with UK friends & family, wind down any final UK bits that needed attention. Probably took me a good 6-8 weeks to start to feel a bit more settled and a full 6 months for my head to stop spinning. Send her voicenotes for now rather than expecting FaceTimes just yet, it’s less pressure. Kindly, I think you need to expand your pool of friends a bit too xxx

I'm sorry, OP, it can be devastating to 'lose' a good friend like this.

What really stood out from your post though was 'Her husband has also made it obvious they have no intention in returning or even coming back to visit' and your eye-roll. Is there an issue with her husband?

“Kindly, I think you need to expand your pool of friends a bit too xxx”

I agree. Try to widen your friendship group and not be reliant on one person. Take up a new hobby, join the gym, find a Bookclub, etc. The more things you find to occupy yourself, the less you’ll miss your friend.,

I feel for you but I think you look at addressing your own needs and filling the void she has left.

Of course you can still be friends, I wouldn’t read too much into her lack of contact at the moment. Give her some mental space to settle into her new life and time zone. Let her contact you.

In the meantime, try and focus on filling the time you would have spent chatting or spending time with her on nice activities and other people.

If you are becoming depressed, go to the GP.

I've moved countries and the amount of admin and shit you have to get your head around is exhausting and that's before turning a house into a home, making friends, arranging doctors etc, combined with being pregnant I imagine she is exhausted and has no time right now.

That doesn't mean she won't - my best friend has moved countries twice in our friendship. The first time she did it was before I had moved and I completely underestimated the work and effort that goes into building a new life, we barely talked for weeks and I was dramatically devastated. Then things calmed down and we settled into our new normal communication...we've spoken twice this morning...

Let her contact you now.

Tell us about you OP?

Family/husband/kids?
job?
interests hobbies?

WhatsApp and FaceTime, plus visits are perfectly possible, especially as you get older and earn more. Also once the child comes there’s a strong chance they’ll be back, although of course not guaranteed.
My sis is in Australia and we FaceTime most Sundays.

Is her husband controlling? Could he be influencing things?

I do wonder is this part of the problem too. It seems a bit odd that he is so adamant that they will be not returning to visit.

If she only recently found out she's expecting, she could well be exhausted from the pregnancy on top of all the new life admin. I found those early months wiped me out way more than mid/later stages, so to move 1000s of miles as well is more than enough for her to be managing. It doesn't diminish your friendship, but you've said yourself that you won't be going to visit her, so there's no urgency for her to keep in contact and things will find their new rhythm, even more so after the baby comes.

It's best not to be thinking about it and waiting for contact from her. Pour your energy into other things and then if/when you hear anything, it will be a nice surprise - and might show you how much you've moved on. But if you're always coming back to thinking about her and the past, it will only drag you down.

I think I will have to now. I don’t want to look needy and I am starting to feel awkward whenever I message her ( I never imagined that would be possible).
It has knocked my confidence massively, I always thought we had a strong friendship. Seems like it never was to her.

Why has her husband ruled out a visit back to the UK? What about their respective family and other friends and connections?

Nothing is impossible including saving up for a plane ticket and getting a couple of sessions of therapy to overcome nervousness in flying.

To be honest I’m losing motivation to go see her. I know therapy to help with my fear would benefit me in other ways but for this situation I’m not sure I’m willing to do it.

I have to be honest here, but I think you are being a bit 'needy' of your friend.

Put yourself in her shoes, she is pregnant, has moved her whole life to another country. There will be heaps of things to do and sort and she has a whole new area and home to try and settle into.

I have recently moved, and have been none stop since I got here. My friends from back where I lived have mostly been the ones reaching out to me. I have simply just been too busy. Its not because I don't care, or don't still want to be friends, or value our friendships, its just I have been mentally and physically exhausted from the move to a whole new area and home. I have appreciated them reaching out to me. They know that once I am settled properly and things are calmer and there isn't as much to do, that we will be in more regular contact. But for now they understand my situation.

Good friendships are solid. I have friends that I am very close to and sometimes, if either of us is busy, we can go weeks without contact. Then one of us will contact the other. There is no pressure, no offence taken at the time its been, no pushing or anyone getting upset. We just get one another and we just understand that lives can get busy. That is what true friendship is. She unlikely has no idea of how affected you have been by her leaving.

I think you need to relax a bit and just give your friend a little space before jumping to the conclusion that she no longer wants to talk to you.

Arrange the Facetime and enjoy your chat with her and try and accept the fact that your friendship has changed now.

You're being incredibly unfair on your friend, she's had a huge shift in her life and all the chaos and admin that goes work and you're ready to give up on her after a couple of weeks. You clearly weren't that close if you're done with her.