My best friend is leaving today

[OrangeGlacierMint]

Today my best friend leaves and there’s a chance I will never see her in person again. My heart is breaking. She’s moving thousands of miles away.

We have been friends for so many years and she’s just someone I thought would always be there. The thought of carrying on my life without her just doesn’t seem right.
Her husband has secured a new job and she recently found out she’s expecting so they are settling down. I wish so much that all of this could have happened somewhere closer.

Due to my fear of flying and financial situation I very much doubt I will ever be able to visit her. Her husband has also made it obvious they have no intention in returning or even coming back to visit 🙄

It’s all so final. Since she told me I’ve led awake at night crying and it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up.
How is it possible that she won’t be here tomorrow!

I don’t know how I am even going to say goodbye later. I’m a sobbing mess already.

It’s really hard OP. Be gentle with yourself.
You will be able to make new friends and this will bring you joy even though it still hurts that your bestie has moved away.

You need to go easy on yourself. This situation does suck, it can't be rationalised away with a positive cliche and it's hard to let go of the what might have been. Keep up the communication and hopefully it will be reciprocated.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s hard. But you don’t have to accept your fear of flying. There are courses to help you on that which are very effective. Separately, there are some oddities: why does her DH say they will never visit? Why is that just his decision? Is she in an abusive relationship?

It’s been a few weeks since she left and I’m still missing her so much. We’ve messaged a few times but that’s it. No FaceTime’s or calls. I understand she’s been super busy but in all honesty I miss her voice. When I’ve tried to call she responds a few hours later with a text.
Its a lot harder than I thought it would be.

So sorry op. Can you arrange a specific time to video call when you are both available?

I think you need to busy yourself with other friends and activities too so you can't be thinking about missing her too much then.

What is her H like? I’m getting controlling vibes if he is insisting she won’t even return for visits.

Bit suspicious that she cannot talk with you either now she’s moved. When I did a big move away I was desperate to keep in touch with friends in that lonely transition time.

Sorry it’s so hard OP. It is a form of grief.

Either the friend is so tied up in her new life she is too busy to communicate, or she is homesick and doesn’t want to reveal her true feelings. Or, she’s using this opportunity to start afresh.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but did she see you as her best friend, or was it more one sided? Was the friendship more important to you, than her?

I do agree it’s a form of grief.

I think you need to focus on other friends and people you can develop relationships with.

@OrangeGlacierMintit is so hard but you will adjust. My BF moved to Australia 10 years ago and I was devastated. The hardest bit is the time difference that makes it hard to speak. We used to chat on the phone most days - sometimes more than once. We can only speak now when it is one of our mornings or evenings. Even though she is one of the people I love most in the world, I’m just too exhausted in the evenings once kids are in bed and food made etc! And mornings are too rushed.

That took a lot of adjusting. But she does come back - your friend may too. And we are just as close as ever even tho we’re not in the day to day. Her kids do know me and my kids because we FaceTime occasionally and she talks about me - I mean obviously we don’t know each other super well - but I am in their lives !

And although she has new friendships they don’t replace ours.

Our friendship is different in that we don’t speak often. But our connection is the same - if that makes sense.

xxx

You need to grieve what you've lost here OP. Grief isn't just for bereavements it can also a process you have to go through when you lose something special to you or it changes significantly. Remember to be kind to yourself.

i appreciate all your comments, thank you. I just feel sad all the time. I didn’t know it would hit me this hard.
I drove past her old house today (first time since she left) and the feeling of dread was so horrible.
I remembered all the memories we shared there. Now it’s just an empty house. She will never be there again, i will never stop by for a chat.

I like to think she just needs more time to get used to her new life. I really hope so.

I think this situation is making me depressed. I have lost all interest in things and crying all the time. I can’t concentrate on anything.
I know I sound needy and ridiculous but it’s had such an impact on me.

Gosh I’m sorry to hear this. I know that you’re hurting. I promise it will fade away over time. I wonder how your friend is doing? I think when you’re feeling better you should start going to group hobbies and activities. To take your mind off her and to make new friends. I had a similar experience and felt like I was grieving after the loss of a close friendship. She was my ride or die friend. It took me years to get over. Now after twenty years she is back living in my city. She has been here since last March and hasn’t reached out to me! Instead she reached out to someone we both know, who told me! I never want to be in such a friendship again as it obviously affected me more than her. I actually think I valued it more and it was actually one sided! That’s on me and I’m never doing it again.

I really think you need some help OP. Can you afford some counselling sessions?

I feel so sad for you OP.

Okay, its really sad that your friend has moved away and I totally understand that you miss her in your life. But this reaction feels extreme. You seem to be really grieving.

When my eldest DD moved to live abroad I felt sad for a couple of weeks but was still able to function and get on with my own life.

Facetiming and staying in regular contact helps, but you need to find a way to move past this. This doesn't seem healthy to me.

And I do get how you feel in many ways. My best friend died last year and I can never see her again, or speak to her. or text her. I will never see her in her home again, or go for coffee or lunch with her again. I have missed her so very much. So I do understand those feelings of missing someone.

You are lucky in that you CAN talk to and message your friend and you CAN keep your friendship going. It will take effort on both parts, but you can still be in each others lives at least. Maybe not in the way you want to but you can.

You have to accept that your friendship will carry on but just in a different way now. Learn to appreciate that you still have her.

If you can't, and you have tried, then I suggest you seek counselling and talk to someone who will help you work through your feelings and find a way forwards.

Good Luck

This will sound a bit heartless, but when my best friend died I was more upset than when I lost my parents and a sibling. She left a huge hole in my everyday life. I rang her husband one evening and luckily for him he was out, I sat and sobbed for hours, then started to gradually get used to her not being there.

I know your friend is still alive, but she's gone and you're grieving for that loss. It's almost harder, because she's all wrapped up in her new life and you're still stuck with what used to be.

I know it's always trotted out, but time really does heal. I wish you better times ahead OP. I think perhaps you will see her and chat more in the future, but the world is full of people we don't know yet who will become friends one day. x

I went to a university abroad, I made some amazing friends, we promised to keep in touch but writing letters was laborious and telephones were expensive, then came along email and then social media and now WhatsApp, it’s never been easier to keep in touch. I have friends in the US and Australia I can speak to daily if I want. It’s not the same as seeing them in person, I won’t lie to you, but it’s still really special. I count one of them as one of my small number of close friends. We’ve been friends for 41 years.

I agree with pp, this seems really extreme. Has she communicated with you much, showing you her new house, FaceTiming, messaging you at all, or has she moved on? I’m guessing you feel rejected by her, and your friendship wasn’t what you thought it was. You thought you were besties, but then she has basically dumped you.

As others have said, get some counselling, take up a new hobby, accept that your life’s going to be different going forward, and take steps towards this.

Don't be sad that she doesn't reply straight away , time difference makes it awkward. And she might want to wait until she has a quiet private moment. She will be busier than you ATM , setting up a new home and getting used to her new surroundings. But you are left with the emptiness . Do you have other friends, hobbies ? Or did you rely on her a lot . Things are always changing in life , she might have not been as available to you anyway if she is having a baby . Just remember the nice bits and plan to maybe see her one day . Focusing on getting over flying would be a start .

We have had a bit of contact since my last post. I messaged her and asked if we could do a video call and she agreed. She seems happy and settling in well.
She has not once messaged me though. It’s only ever a reply to my message.
Should I take that as a hint she doesn’t want to talk to me ? It’s completely one sided.

I think you need to consider she’s moved on. Some people find that when they move to a new place, then it’s easier to cut ties completely, as speaking to old friends can make you homesick and unsettled.

Sounds like she’s not too bothered about keeping in touch and has made new friends already. I’ve been through similar so would say leave her to it. Because you’ll find if you stop messaging for whatever reason, she won’t bother to. I hope she doesn’t cancel the video call and you have a nice time catching up.

I wouldn’t assume anything OP. When will you be FaceTiming? I’d see how that goes.

If she has moved countries I would imagine that she is just very busy. Paperwork/unpacking etc can be exhausting. She may not have the mental energy to be calling/messaging at the moment. I would give it a couple of more months before writing of the friendship. Just keep sending friendly messages without putting pressure on her to reply. Do not mention how much you miss her etc as this could come across as too intense.