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Original poster

Told husband I want a divorce and now he has changed

71 replies

Computer125 · 06/08/2026 16:34

I have told my husband I want a divorce. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 11 and 15. For most of my marriage my husband has been emotionally abusive to me. He has very bad mood swings and takes it out on me by calling me names, not helping out with kids, around the home. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and swear and shout. I hate it when he is home and it feels so peaceful and relaxed when he is not there. My daughter doesn't like being around him but my son who is younger does as they play football together, watch wrestling. Now that I have told him about the divorce he has changed so much, he is helping around the house more, playing with kids, he has not raised his voice once and asks me for permission if he can go upstairs to sleep! He gets very upset when I mention the divorce and I feel sorry for him but I still want to go ahead. I know my son will be devastated. I don't want to keep remembering the past but I have to to remind myself how horrible he was to me and to kids sometimes. Plus he would swear and argue in front of the kids. I told him I want a amicable divorce as naturally I am very empathetic, calm, fair, nice (this is the reason why I put up with him for so long). I'm really confused what to do.

OP posts:
GettingFestiveNow · 06/08/2026 16:36

He hasn't changed; his style of manipulation has.

Tontostitis · 06/08/2026 16:37

First comment nails it

Nousernameideaaga · 06/08/2026 16:37

He will revert to type

donotgettheangst · 06/08/2026 16:38

It's an act - please don't fall for it. It will not (and cannot last). You have all the evidence you need from the last 15 years. It is a very common stage by the way enroute to completely awful behavior once they realize you mean business and they can't manipulate you any more.

PaperMachePanda · 06/08/2026 16:38

He’s masking. Playing the good guy.

Give it another week and he’ll be back to being an arsehole.

cestlavielife · 06/08/2026 16:39

Divorce and let him keep up the new him as separated parents

Snorlaxo · 06/08/2026 16:39

This is a temporary thing. He doesn’t realise that he fucked up his last chance and thinks that he can win you back by playing nice. As pp said, it’s a matter of time before he reverts to his usual self.

MyMilchick · 06/08/2026 16:40

Yeah echoing the choir here, he won't keep that up, he'll wait until you drop it and creep back to how he was

thistimelastweek · 06/08/2026 16:41

If he can be pleasant now, he could have been pleasant all along. He chose to be an arse.
He can revert to type at any time so don't be fooled.

outerspacepotato · 06/08/2026 16:43

So he could have been a nicer guy all along and chose to be an emotionally abusive asshole.

He's putting on a mask now but it won't last. If you drop the divorce, he's soon be the same as he was.

Be prepared for him to go ballistic when he realizes his act hasn't worked. Get your ducks in order and make sure you and the kids are safe.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/08/2026 16:44

Look at his change in behaviour as a continuation of his abuse. If he can be “pleasant” now he could have been so all along. Now he risks loosing control of you he’s trying to pull you back in, when he thinks he’s won he’ll revert to type.

It’s taken you a long time to get to divorce, he’s had more than enough time to behave decently. I’d get out as quickly as possible because when he realises you’re not changing your mind, he’ll become even more nasty than he was.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 06/08/2026 16:47

Why are you confused? You know exactly who this man is after being married to him for the time you have been married.

He's not changed. You think he's going to keep this act up for the next 15 years? Extremely unlikely.

What he is showing you is that in the past 15 years he knew exactly what he was doing to you by his treatment of you and how he spoke with you.

He could have treated you better etc but he actively made the choice not to do so.

You son can wrestle and play football with his dad when he visits him.

Sugarplum5 · 06/08/2026 16:53

Computer125 · 06/08/2026 16:34

I have told my husband I want a divorce. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 11 and 15. For most of my marriage my husband has been emotionally abusive to me. He has very bad mood swings and takes it out on me by calling me names, not helping out with kids, around the home. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and swear and shout. I hate it when he is home and it feels so peaceful and relaxed when he is not there. My daughter doesn't like being around him but my son who is younger does as they play football together, watch wrestling. Now that I have told him about the divorce he has changed so much, he is helping around the house more, playing with kids, he has not raised his voice once and asks me for permission if he can go upstairs to sleep! He gets very upset when I mention the divorce and I feel sorry for him but I still want to go ahead. I know my son will be devastated. I don't want to keep remembering the past but I have to to remind myself how horrible he was to me and to kids sometimes. Plus he would swear and argue in front of the kids. I told him I want a amicable divorce as naturally I am very empathetic, calm, fair, nice (this is the reason why I put up with him for so long). I'm really confused what to do.

Not married but been with my partner for 20 years we have 4 children and I'm in a similar situation to you, same issues, I want out, spoke to him and i was adamant it was the end but he managed to convince me one last chance he will get help he will try more and now suddenly he's is trying more and I feel bad, but I feel its too late and this trying wont last for long. He is now trying to plan a holiday for next year but I just want to be on my own. I want to find a proper connection with someone else, have fun, laugh and feel happy. I feel so stuck too 😢

Lurker85 · 06/08/2026 17:10

All he’s done is shown you he has known what he should be doing all along but has chosen not to. All the more reason to divorce.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 06/08/2026 19:32

Course he has. He’s panicking over sole care of his children 24/7 half of every week.

TheCurious0range · 06/08/2026 19:35

All this should show you is that he is capable of being reasonable and knows what that looks like but for years has chosen to abuse you.

CamillaMcCauley · 06/08/2026 19:37

Let me guess, it has been weeks or a couple of months since you told him. It won’t last. My ex was terrifically apologetic and swore he was a changed man once I finally told him I wanted to leave but it was only six weeks before the act started to fall apart.

Stop talking about the divorce but continue with getting yourself ready and as soon as he feels the risk has passed you’ll see him revert to type.

Bristolandlazy · 06/08/2026 20:02

How does he justify treating you so badly for all these years, that's unloving and disrespectful. He's harmed your children too. If he can behave now he could of along. You still want to divorce him so that's what you should do. He's a low life. You and your children deserve better.

Hoardasurass · 06/08/2026 20:21

What he is demonstrating with his change of behaviour is that his previous abusive treatment of you was an active choice.
He chose to verbally abuse you, to shout at you and neglect your children.
Just like he currently choosing not to.
This change in behaviour is not because he suddenly realised that hes abusive, its because he knows that hes gone to far and thinks that he can win you back by behaving like a decent human for a while. But you can guarantee that the moment he thinks that you've dropped the divorce he will change back to the abuser you know, because thats the person he chooses to be.
Please leave him ASAP because when he realises that his current tactic hasnt worked he will be at his most dangerous abusive men always are when there victims leave them.
Be safe

Namechangee11 · 06/08/2026 20:31

You are what you do repeatedly....

minou123 · 06/08/2026 20:36

I am going to plagiarise Hoardasurass post because she is absolutely spot on

This change in behaviour is not because he suddenly realised that hes abusive, its because he knows that hes gone to far and thinks that he can win you back by behaving like a decent human for a while. But you can guarantee that the moment he thinks that you've dropped the divorce he will change back to the abuser you know, because thats the person he chooses to be.

Original poster
Computer125 · 07/08/2026 07:45

He keeps telling me how it's going to affect our son (he knows my daughter doesn't think much of him) and my son has already said to me he doesn't want us to separate. But DS he will be better off us separated. I also get scared at night time and having husband there gives me that security. I feel like I am just making excuses and my mind is testing me to see how strong I am.Can you tell me your success stories after divorce.

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 07/08/2026 07:47

He will go straight back to being the asshole he’s always been as soon as you forget the idea of divorce. And his improved behaviour at the moment shows that he could have always been nicer but just didn’t think enough of you to bother.

MyDarlingRose · 07/08/2026 07:51

Well of course he is. If your boss told you you’re going to get fired you’d try and improve long enough to get off the chopping block.

The question is why is he only improving now and not when you first said his behaviour was harming you? Because he has no love for you. He’s doing this because he wants to keep his money, reputation intact and keep you there to look after his kids.

MyDarlingRose · 07/08/2026 07:52

Computer125 · 07/08/2026 07:45

He keeps telling me how it's going to affect our son (he knows my daughter doesn't think much of him) and my son has already said to me he doesn't want us to separate. But DS he will be better off us separated. I also get scared at night time and having husband there gives me that security. I feel like I am just making excuses and my mind is testing me to see how strong I am.Can you tell me your success stories after divorce.

Tell DS that separation isn’t about leaving children and isn’t his choice or responsibility. That dad will be permitted to see him frequently for football and sports but he just won’t be permitted to live with mum.

Dont let your husband manipulate him into thinking the divorce is his fault or choice. Or that you don’t love your son. He’s gearing his son up to have issues.