Told husband I want a divorce and now he has changed

[Computer125]

I have told my husband I want a divorce. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 11 and 15. For most of my marriage my husband has been emotionally abusive to me. He has very bad mood swings and takes it out on me by calling me names, not helping out with kids, around the home. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and swear and shout. I hate it when he is home and it feels so peaceful and relaxed when he is not there. My daughter doesn't like being around him but my son who is younger does as they play football together, watch wrestling. Now that I have told him about the divorce he has changed so much, he is helping around the house more, playing with kids, he has not raised his voice once and asks me for permission if he can go upstairs to sleep! He gets very upset when I mention the divorce and I feel sorry for him but I still want to go ahead. I know my son will be devastated. I don't want to keep remembering the past but I have to to remind myself how horrible he was to me and to kids sometimes. Plus he would swear and argue in front of the kids. I told him I want a amicable divorce as naturally I am very empathetic, calm, fair, nice (this is the reason why I put up with him for so long). I'm really confused what to do.

People can change, it sounds like he really wants to keep the family together.
If people are mentally drained then this can escalte quickly, it sounds like you have hsd the conversation now.
Personally i would give things a chance but you do need to speak more both of you to express your feelings. You have 15 years together thats sometime. You also need to evaluate the impact on children

Keep reminding yourself that he was capable of treating you with decency and respect all these years and chose not to.

Are you the OPs husband? He wants to keep control over her, he’s clearly capable of behaving like a decent human being and has chose not to for 15 years. He’ll revert to type as soon as he thinks divorce is off the table.

Well if it was that easy for him to change, that means he was actively choosing to abuse you and could have just not done it. He hasn't changed, it's a mask to get what he wants. He sounds like a narciccist. Still leave. This isn't on you, it's due to his behaviour and treatment of you.

Well that's insulting, isn't it? He could have behaved like a decent person and treated you respectfully the whole time but actively chose not to. He's showing you that he knows how to behave but didn't when he didn't have to. That feels worse than someone behaving badly who didn't know how to behave well.
You said you want a divorce, mean it, and don't expect him to help you out in any way, he will let you down.

Please ignore this dangerous bs and ignore the weaponising of your children.
I and many others can tell you that the harm of growing up in an abusive household far outward the harm of leaving that abuse.
You owe this man nothing. He however owed you and your children a loving non abusive household.

His claims of changing are just another form of abuse and manipulation.

@Computer125 You asked for sucsess stories im one i left my dds abusive father, it was the hardest and easiest thing I've ever done. Easy because it was the right thing for my dd and I hard because it (in the short term) upset my dd and her father made it really difficult. After a couple of years I met my DS's father and went on to have a loving respectful relationship that lasted until the day he died. There are good men out there and you and your kids can have a good life with or without another man.

Can I suggest that you look up the freedom program and think about doing it as it will give you the tools you need to recognise his abuse and how to get away from it.

Your past behaviour made me fall out of love with you. I see you have changed your behaviour since I asked for a divorce and I’m not saying that is a bad thing. But I still don’t love you anymore. Seeing how much you gave changed makes he realise you could have done so years ago. But you didn’t. This makes me even more sure I don’t want to be with you anymore. Nothing will change how I feel now, I don’t want to be your wife anymore.

Any arguments, just repeat the last sentence.

You’ve got to dig deep op and find your inner strength. It can be done there are lots of us that have been in the same situation and have successfully divorced and moved on.

Once he sees that being nice isn't working and you are still going ahead he will change back to nasty again.
Give it a try, tell him you appreciate the way he has been acting but you have an appointment with a divorce lawyer in a few days, see what he does, he will probably start crying and begging first then the nastiness will come when he knows being nice hasn't worked.

He doesn't want to get divorced because it will be a huge inconvenience to him.

The fact that he has miraculously changed his behaviour demonstrates to you that he was choosing to behave like a total shit.

Life after divorce (for me) was and remains fantastic.

Thank you so much for saying this. It’s so important that we don’t try and guilt women to remain in abusive relationships. Particularly by using her children.

This.

Course he bloody is! So transparent. If anything, this proves he was capable of being decent all along - he wasn’t the victim of some syndrome he couldn’t help. He could have been nice anytime he wanted but did not want to because he’s a terrible person

OP it’s all an act it won’t last long and you will be back to square one.
My sisters now ex husband was exactly the same but he couldn’t keep up the act for very long I am so glad she finally got out of that marriage because it was slowly destroying her.
Have you mentioned divorce to him before?

Cmon op, he’s faking it so you can change your mind, then he will revert to normal. He can’t change, it’s who he is.

Asking you for permission to go to bed sounds like evidence of this tipping over into passive aggression and it’s downhill from there.
He won’t be able to sustain this ‘change’. Even if he has had a total personality transplant, the damage is done as far as you’re concerned. He’s destroyed your feelings for him.

Real change would involve sustained accountability, no blaming you for leaving, respect for your boundaries, and appropriate individual help maintained even when it no longer wins him anything. You are not obliged to suspend your life while waiting to find out whether that happens.

"He keeps telling me how it's going to affect our son". This is emotional abuse also. He hasn't changed. Get a solicitor and get everything sorted for the divorce. File for child maintenance as soon as you initiate divorce proceedings because he's probably going to hide his address and he is definitely going to turn very nasty.

Too little too late. He should have respected you from the word go.
You can forgive bad behaviour when you love someone but when you no longer love them you stop forgiving them.
Do what's right for you

💯

It’s very common in abusive relationships to have a “honeymoon” phase after a domestic abuse incident or a victim’s attempt to leave. It won’t be maintained. It’s also a good reminder they make a choice to behave the way they do. You deserve to live a life free from fear, not walking on egg shells waiting for them to slip back in to abusive behaviour.

Just think. These changes he has been making now… he could have made them for the past 15 years. But he didn’t bother. Because he doesn’t care about you. Now he is making the effort to manipulate you into staying with him. Because he knows he’s going to have to do his own housework and because he’s going to have to do more of everything else too. Because you leaving does not work for him. He has abused you for years and now he is manipulating you to stay.

As for your son - your son might be upset. But putting up with this shitty behaviour from your husband is also showing your kids that it is okay. Leaving shows them both that it’s not okay and there are consequences to this sort of behaviour. You know what is best for your children.

Good luck with your divorce. I wish you all the happiness you have deserved this whole time!

Don’t be fooled and definitely don’t feel sorry for him. In fact be very careful, when they know you have had enough and want a divorce they will show model behaviour. This means they know exactly how they should behave but previously chose not to. This is manipulation. If his tactics don’t work he will try crying, begging, showering you with gifts, promises to change, go to therapy etc etc etc Don’t fall for any of it. Do pack an emergency bag, passports, cash etc and leave it near the front door or under the stairs so that if he turns nasty you can leave quickly. Make it official, tell your family, friends and GP. Trust your instincts, good luck.

Yeah…it’ll last until around a week after you ‘forgive’ him

He is abusive OP. Verbally and emotionally abusive. Tell your solicitor he is abusive as it can be grounds to reduce his contact with your son. Carry on with the divorce. Speak to women’s aid if he goes nasty.