Told husband I want a divorce and now he has changed

[Computer125]

I have told my husband I want a divorce. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 11 and 15. For most of my marriage my husband has been emotionally abusive to me. He has very bad mood swings and takes it out on me by calling me names, not helping out with kids, around the home. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and swear and shout. I hate it when he is home and it feels so peaceful and relaxed when he is not there. My daughter doesn't like being around him but my son who is younger does as they play football together, watch wrestling. Now that I have told him about the divorce he has changed so much, he is helping around the house more, playing with kids, he has not raised his voice once and asks me for permission if he can go upstairs to sleep! He gets very upset when I mention the divorce and I feel sorry for him but I still want to go ahead. I know my son will be devastated. I don't want to keep remembering the past but I have to to remind myself how horrible he was to me and to kids sometimes. Plus he would swear and argue in front of the kids. I told him I want a amicable divorce as naturally I am very empathetic, calm, fair, nice (this is the reason why I put up with him for so long). I'm really confused what to do.

He has been abusing you and the kids for years.

Read “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft.

Here

Lundy was a counsellor for abusive men for over a decade, and then devoted himself to taking what he had learned from that experience and sharing it with abused women, and with the friends, family, and professionals who assist them.

He has proven that these men choose to behave the way they do and they can stop any time they like. After all they don’t treat everyone like that do they? Their friends? Co workers? Nice as pie to them.

Your husband chose to abuse you and your children. Now you’ve had enough he’s on his best behaviour to try to stop you divorcing him. If you change your mind and stay with him he will soon CHOOSE to abuse you again.

No doubt he’ll make the separation and divorce as difficult as possible once reality hits but at least there will be an end to it and even if he continues to try to continue to abuse you, you can take legal steps to stop him.

Please stick to your guns.

He's still trying to manipulate you. I wonder if he's also manipulating your son? Don't give in, he will revert to his previous behaviour if you do and it will be much harder to break up next time.

Can you identify why you are scared at night time? Is there a rational explanation? Your husband actually poses the biggest threat to you currently, so there's a disconnect there somewhere.

Also, put any notion of an amicable divorce away. Once he realises you are serious and his manipulation won't work, it will get nasty. You will however find out that you are stronger than you know.

I read a sentence by Glennon Doyle and after that, I couldn't stay in my abusive marriage (also 15+ years) "staying in this marriage for this little girl, but would I want this marriage for this little girl". I found a lot of value in her idea that as a parent/mother we have to take responsibility for modeling a healthy relationship or our children will have it normalised. As all the others have said, the father of your children COULD have been a better role model but has chosen to not. I'd be surprised if his change (without therapy or something significant) is legitimate. He will revert and potentially get worse. Post separation abuse can be horrific (lived experience for 5years now of post sep abuse).

BUT my own one precious life is vastly better after shedding the abusive father of my children and my own home is always peaceful and lovely. If you are on FB look up Zawn.

Get your ducks in a row, quiet quit and do it. With love xx

DP wasn't bothered about how watching his dad be abusive towards his mother would affect your DS. He has a comfortable life with you there and doesn't want to lose it. Look out for yourself.

OP wrote: For most of my marriage my husband has been emotionally abusive to me. He has very bad mood swings and takes it out on me by calling me names, not helping out with kids, around the home. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would get defensive and swear and shout.

You do not give men like that a second chance. Raise your standards.

Here's what will happen if you change your mind and stay with him. All will be great for a while and then one day he'll do something that will take you right back and make you realise why you wanted to divorce. It will hit you like a brick. By then you'll have told your ds that you're not separating and you'll feel as though you can't go back on that.
HE IS PLAYING YOU. Don't fall for it. He has shown you who he is already. Believe him. Be brave for your own sanity and wellbeing.

I feel he will revert back to what he was but everyone needs a second chance. If it was the first time you mentioned divorce maybe shocked him and he realised how shit he was. How was before kids? If I were you, I would give him an honest chance and if he reverts back to being shit then divorce without looking back ever again.

Did you miss the bit where the OP tried to talk to him about the issues and he swore, shouted and wouldn't engage?

Excuses.

100% agree with this, please be very prepared for the turn around once you have the ball rolling also, get support around you and approach a domestic abuse charity also for advice. Keep strong, dont give into him and stay safe. I dont want to alarm you but I want you to be prepared, its worth it for you and your kids in the long term

I’m in this place too. I have said anything to DH but it is obvious that I’ve checked out. Exact same problems our home. He’s being really nice lately, as he knows… I have plans to move in with my sister, with DS. Nothing is set yet, but I’d like it done before Christmas. I’d rather leave with calm, not with one of the usual blow-ups. But this lovey act is really throwing me off. Actually doing LTB is so hard…

It sort of feels like being in limbo, doesn’t it?

I’m in exactly the same boat with DW, who gets very stressed and won’t accept responsibility and shouts. We agreed to separate in June, only to row back shorty afterwards for the sake of our teenage children. She’s currently acting all nice and behaving as if everything is well and normal. I’m dreading the next explosion- which will probably be the end of an 18 year marriage. It’s tough

Nothing else to be said. Don’t fall for it OP, as soon as he thinks he is safe from divorce he will revert to type.

it’s easier to keep you than groom/train up a replacement. Sorry that sounds utterly horrible but its how this awfully abusive men think.

Make your escape!!

It's scary but you need to get rid. He'll be nice and everything you want until you think "maybe I got it wrong". You didn't. It's time to go because if you don't you will just waste more and more years on being unhappy, making do, trying to make it work. I've been there. Your children can still see their dad and you can make a whole new life. It is possible. I did it, lots of other people did it and so can you.

This is what many on Mumsnet do not get. They throw LTB out so easy for the tiniest thing.

when you are in an abusive relationship, its not that simple, you have things like you, sugarplum & the OP mention of the abuser suddently being nice. You have the headache of untangling financials and half the time the man is abusing you that way too.

leaving is harder than staying. Womens aid & the freedom programme will help all three of you.

it takes all you have to leave & start again, it takes a long time to heal - it you do at all but one day, you wake up and you feel free & you can’t put a price on that.

For the OP & yourself, staying also means that your son’s may learn his fathers behaviours and the cycle continues with another generation.

I know all three of you have the strength inside to leave.

It does take all you have to leave and start again. Then you realise that all you have is now yours and yours alone and it is worth it. Hugs to everyone that is going through this but when you step off that cliff it's not as bad as you think it's going to be ❤

Was there anything good about him during your time together @Computer125

I would encourage you to leave also, not having your home dominated by the awful atmosphere these men create makes an enormous difference to your quality of life and to your children's experience. You'll get used to being the only adult in the house at night, you can always put in some extra security measures for peace of mind. Just imagine being with him for the rest of your life and you will know what to do. Being single is infinitely better than being with an abusive partner.
Good luck!

He’s showing you that he was always capable of being the husband and father you wanted him to be, he just chose not to. You have 15yrs of data on this man, don’t let the last 10 minutes mislead you.

This is one of the most accurate replies I’ve ever read on here.

He has just proved to you that he could have treated you kindly and been supportive this entire time but he CHOSE not to.

My parents divorce was the best thing to happen to me and my siblings so don't listen to emotional manipulation from him regarding your son. He's been awful to you for years, you'll be happier without the feeling of treading on eggshells in your own space.

“I hope this change lasts, for you and for the children. But I no longer want to be your wife" is an acceptable answer as well

He’s manipulating you OP. He won’t change on a permanent basis, most, if not all abusive men cannot change.

Your daughter cannot stand to be around him. Do it for her if not for you.

He may well of changed and it’s been a big wake up calls

but the issue is irreparable damage has been done so the new him is irrelevant