Please talk some sense into me

[Didion]

Name changed because it's embarrassing.

A few weeks ago, a much younger man, who I used to know, told a mutual friend that he fancied me. He's seriously out of my league and I was very flattered. He's since messaged me every day, asking when we can meet. I've been single for about five years and haven't had sex in over ten years. I don't know if menopause has caused any issues in this department!

Before his initial message, I hadn't seen him for four years, as he was working abroad. In this time I've aged significantly due to health problems and peri-menopause. I've seen very recent photos of him on social media and he hasn't aged at all. If anything, he's been working out and looks stronger and healthier.

So, I've been putting him off, but started Mounjaro, had my hair dyed to hide all the greys, bought a load of expensive skincare products and have a very expensive botox session booked for tomorrow. I really shouldn't be spending this sort of money.

What am I doing? Please talk some sense into me. I don't even think I want anything from him. I think I'm just so flattered. It's depressing though because all of a sudden I'm noticing all the ways that I've aged, including wrinkles, downturned mouth, thinning hair, weight gain.

I should just let him down and forget all about it, shouldn't I?

I thought you were going to say he was 25 or something, 40 is a grown ass man and 50 is hardly old, woman!

Please step away from the GLPs and the Botox. Treat yourself to a cut and colour and get your nails and brows done (all of them will be a fraction of the price of the other stuff, get a nice facial too) and go and meet him.

Go have a coffee and a nice catch up and see what comes of it.

Why should she walk away from the Botox? Done well, it’s the best thing ever and totally transformative.
Same with the fat jabs!

As I said OP, whatever it takes for you to feel good about yourself.

If OP wants to do it for herself, awesome. If she's doing it because she's worried a bloke won't fancy her then not so awesome.

Can it not just be a bit of both? Let’s be realistic here. It’s natural that the OP should want to put her best self forward in this situation.
A more confident OP can only be a good thing all round.

“He's since messaged me every day, asking when we can meet……Before his initial message, I hadn't seen him for four years”

So what has he been doing for four years? Has he been in touch with you? Why is he suddenly messaging every day?

I honestly think he sounds a bit of a chancer.

HOWEVER……you starting to think about your sex life, or dates etc can be the start of you looking after yourself a bit more. I wouldn’t do the Botox, it’s expensive and a bit drastic to immediately start with that, but some exercise, looking at your diet, working on being more positive about yourself etc is a great start. Have a go on a dating site maybe, go for a coffee with him etc, but you shouldn’t be feeling ‘what will he think about me’, it should be more ‘what do I think about him, is he my type, does he make me feel good about myself’.

Ok let's be realistic then: GLPs can give you absolute shit breath and hideous gastro issues and Botox doesn't make you look any younger, you just look like an older woman who's had Botox. Up to OP if she wants to pursue either of these things just for herself but I stand by the sughestion a few nice beauty treatments for a catch up with a bloke are preferable to reaching for the injectables.

I did all this stuff when I separated from my exH. It gave me the confidence I needed to embark on a new life - I'd let myself go somewhat, stresses of life and all that.
Well I haven't done botox yet but I might.
50 is an age where things can start to go downhill, and it's probably the interest from a younger bloke has made you suddenly aware of this. Nothing wrong with a bit of a glow up, but re-frame it as caring for yourself, investing in yourself, rather than "argh I'm too old for him!"
We all have ulterior motives for doing these things - and I know loads of women who do everything you're doing as a matter of routine. Equally I know women who are happy in their own skin and growing old gracefully. There's no right or wrong here, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about wanting to make the best of yourself.

Firstly, sending hugs (if I may - I know you're a stranger). The reason I say 'hugs' is because you're being so honest and vulnerable, and also very hard on yourself.

Can I challenge a few things you've said?

You've said stuff like 'I know I shouldn't care about this' - who says you shouldn't care about your appearance and that it's pathetic? Let's not pathologise completely normal insecurities that women feel particularly as they get older. You are NOT pathetic. Many women, if I can judge from what I read online and my own conversations with friends and my thoughts, feel vulnerable and insecure because of the physical changes we experience as we age. I just want to say this again: it's not pathetic. You're not made of stone. You're a human being with feelings, fears and hopes. It's not pathetic to dye your hair, if you think it'll make you feel more confident, or to have Botox. I do agree with someone who said it doesn't work instantly - for me it takes about 3 days to see effect, and from 2 weeks it's fully working. You could consider postponing the meeting until you've achieved something that to you feels like a positive change.

The people who say you need to just find out if he really likes you as you are - they are kind of right, but also they forget how crushing it could feel if he didn't like you as you are now. I totally get it. If you met him and - rather than his eyes lighting up in that way that men's eyes do when they appreciate what they're seeing - instead there's a look of vague disappointment, that could be a huge blow to your self esteem. Not many people would be immune to that, unless they're exceptionally thick skinned. So I totally understand that you are wanting to protect yourself from that feeling and give yourself the best chance of being fancied. It's normal to want to be fancied and desired. It's human. We all need it. There seem to be some women online who say they couldn't care less, okay maybe that's true for them but I don't know any women in real life who say that. Mostly, we hope we are still fanciable (however unfair the world is in its view of ageing women vs. ageing men - that's a totally different matter. You can be enraged about the double standards, and still wish to be fancied by someone).

If I were you, I'd probably slow down, and postpone the meeting by a week or a couple of weeks. I'd exchange a few messages with him to see if there's any spark. You might not even like who he is nowadays. Or he might be lovely and you might get a bit of a connection even before the coffee. Try to find out why he's interested. Is it just skin deep? Maybe he's always had a crush on you and you didn't know about it.

Last thing I'd say is, you probably look MUCH better in the eyes of other people than you do in your own. We are all our worst critics and think people expect us to look perfect, but they don't - when someone thinks about whether you're attractive or not, they automatically take into account all of you, the way you talk, smile, your energy, your personality, and not simply the exact number of inches around your waist.

@Didion

Did you go ahead with the botox today ?

Thank you very, very much, everyone. I really appreciate the time you've taken with your replies. It means a lot.

My botox appointment was postponed until tomorrow morning, and I'm going to go ahead with it. Nervous and worried about the expenditure, but I've talked myself into it now.

I still think I'm being foolish and can't stop looking at all of my wrinkles and panicking.

Eeek!

Do not worry about the expenditure. Live and enjoy life - you deserve it.

Shift your mindset and do it for you. He is just some bloke who hasn’t even kept in touch with a single woman he has apparently been very attracted to for years.

Get yourself on the apps, join some clubs or whatever else women do to meet men. Got any social butterfly friends? Tell them you’re thinking of going on the apps, hopefully they will put their thinking caps on!

Just meet him for a coffee and go from there. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Meet him instead of going for the Botox session.

Ignore this self depreciating voice inside your head.
You are beautiful no matter what you see in the mirror. He knows you and thats what he wants to connect with.
Anything else is purely superficial.
When I was younger I was slightly shallow and looks were always important to me. When I say young I mean in my teens. Many many years ago now.
I worked on building sites and was very fit and toned. There was a bloke I worked and traveled with and he looked like he walked straight off an aftershave advert. Easily the best looking bloke in any room. He traveled each weekend 3 hours to be with his girlfriend. I had never met someone so completely in love before. He talked about her every day and worked solely for her.
I figured she must be equally as good looking as him. I was wrong. When he showed me pictures of her she was in my eyes far far below what I thought would be his standards.
But then I started to think about everything he said about her and the love in his voice when he did. Not once did he say anything about looks or anything like that. He spoke about how she made him feel. The fun they shared and how he felt home whenever she was with him. He was the happiest person I knew. And it was a wake up call to my teen sensibilities so I dropped all preconceptions around looks and got to know people for who they are. And that is what became my biggest attraction to anyone.
That bloke is now still happily married to his then girlfriend.
No matter how you see yourself. I bet anything. To him you are beautiful. Accept it and find happiness. What have you got to lose?

Just go and meet him. You might dislike him immensely!! Who knows. Just try to enjoy this rather than panic. It’s not about what he wants it’s about what you want and how you feel. Good luck OP