Please talk some sense into me

[Didion]

Name changed because it's embarrassing.

A few weeks ago, a much younger man, who I used to know, told a mutual friend that he fancied me. He's seriously out of my league and I was very flattered. He's since messaged me every day, asking when we can meet. I've been single for about five years and haven't had sex in over ten years. I don't know if menopause has caused any issues in this department!

Before his initial message, I hadn't seen him for four years, as he was working abroad. In this time I've aged significantly due to health problems and peri-menopause. I've seen very recent photos of him on social media and he hasn't aged at all. If anything, he's been working out and looks stronger and healthier.

So, I've been putting him off, but started Mounjaro, had my hair dyed to hide all the greys, bought a load of expensive skincare products and have a very expensive botox session booked for tomorrow. I really shouldn't be spending this sort of money.

What am I doing? Please talk some sense into me. I don't even think I want anything from him. I think I'm just so flattered. It's depressing though because all of a sudden I'm noticing all the ways that I've aged, including wrinkles, downturned mouth, thinning hair, weight gain.

I should just let him down and forget all about it, shouldn't I?

Consider getting Botox and losing weight if it increases your confidence. Do it for yourself, not to impress others.

When was the last time you saw each other?

I think it's up to you to just meet up and have a nice time. See what he wants but don't forget to consider what you want.

Good luck.

What's the worst that can happen ? He says well it's been great to have a catch up ? What's the best that can happen ? You have a bit of a fling and you get your mojo back ? He may be the gateway relationship you need to propel you back into life. Enjoy it for whatever it turns out to be.

if you forget about him for a second,maybe his attention made you look at yourself...and your now doing all these things to feel better about you..it might be a good thing...

I’m going to go against everything everyone else is saying OP , and here’s why .
You’re not feeling at all confident about yourself ,it’s evident from your posts , you’re going to turn up to a date anxious & Full of self doubt.
Why put yourself through that ?.
There’s nothing at all wrong with age gap , however I’d work on myself first , where I turn up for a date excited & the form is good .
You may not like him you know 🤷🏻‍♀️ , but your mindset is “ what if he doesn’t like me , I’m not pretty enough, I’ve aged so much , I’ve put on weight “ , it’s all so negative, that’s not going to make for a good date .
You need to stop knocking yourself & be happy with you .

If you’re nervous tell yourself you’re just going to catch up with a friend. You don’t need to come away from it with anything more than that. Go in with full confidence that you’re there for a nice catch up and that’s it. Anything more is a bonus. But you should absolutely go.

Get it all waxed off if you are fearful of any greyness down there!

Thank goodness you were the third post. I’d nearly given up hope for womankind!

Just be yourself. Your true authentic self. And if he likes it great. If he doesn’t then he’s not for you. Ten years is nothing.

All this need to look younger is internalised misogyny. Our culture is awful in this way. The true beauty of getting older is the wisdom and self awareness.

Also it is 100% true that you will see yourself in the mirror as less attractive than others will see you. Thats true for most people.

The question you really should be asking is ‘Will I like him?’

I have a different opinion. Your weight and hair etc obviously bother you anyway - your self esteem is low. Why not do all these things anyway just for YOU, make yourself feel great.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve done mounjaro and Botox, I dye my hair. I feel better about myself now than I did when I was 25!!

Fuck it, treat yourself, feel amazing, go meet him with all the confidence in the world. You’re single, if it’s shit you can walk away knowing you tried something new. And then onto the next adventure.

The insecurities about your current appearance and age aside for a minute.
Do you want to meet him?
If you do you should regardless .
As for his interest in you triggering your desire for a bit of a glow up ,thats ok if it's what you want to do.

No man is worth all of this angst. Even if the first date goes well you will start stressing about the second. If that goes well you will worry about getting naked with him, spending the night, going away for the weekend, meeting his friends etc.

I think you need to feel better about yoursrlf before getting involved with anyone. Bankrupting yourself buying expensive skincare products and makeup, doing botox is not the answer. It all sounds terribly stressful.

Yes, exactly! This is all about what he thinks, what he might expect, his potential disappointment. You should be approaching any social/sexual encounter via ‘What do I want? What am I feeling? Is this exciting and fun or mak8ng me feel bad about myself?’ Centre yourself.

I’m not sure about this guy. I mean, why not simply ask you out? Why tell a mutual friends he fancies you?

I feel sad that people talk of Botox as a glow-up. It seems extremely sad to do this in response to panic. Please don’t make huge decisions like these based on panic OP. If he likes how you look now he may not like the Botox look. Plenty of people don’t.

This. Do you actually like him, as in would you enjoy his company? If yes, just have a friendly drink. Keep it light, lower the stakes. You can't have too many friends, getting out and about makes people seem younger and more alive IMO.

Afterwards, if he fancies you and you feel like a shag will get you back in the saddle, do it.

But only one step at a time.

I think if you were confident you would have said ‘lol that photo is ten years out of date mate’ and maybe sent a new one, instead of trying to become someone in decade old photo.

he’ll either like you or he wont, but it sounds like you’ve already decided you like him, and that the danger.

So, I've been putting him off, but started Mounjaro, had my hair dyed to hide all the greys, bought a load of expensive skincare products and have a very expensive botox session booked for tomorrow. I really shouldn't be spending this sort of money.

You’re doing all this for a man??

You’re getting expensive skincare products and expensive Botox that you can’t really afford because this man who’s shown no interest in you before, has now decided he wants a quick shag and has chosen you?

Fuck that.

I’m glad you are starting to take care of yourself but you don’t need to go so overboard, especially for a man.

Make yourself feel better and then look for someone to date.

Exactly this!!

Find someone you fancy that also makes you feel gorgeous.

You’ll be forever feeling unworthy and old.

If dying your hair and getting into a new beauty routine is helping you feel better about yourself - then absolutely do all those things.... The botox, I guess thats a personal thing, i personally wouldn't do that - and anyway if you can't really afford it - cancel that.

Its certainly normal to feel nerves about anything sexual if you've been single a long time - but you're quite a long way from that you haven't even had a date yet! You might not like him! :)

Just go on a date - he obviously likes you so just see it as a casual thing to start with - meet up, see how the conversation goes and take it from there.

IF it progresses and you get to the point of getting intimate. Then first of all, spend some getting more confident naked - in your own bedroom, walk around naked -do your hair after a shower naked or whatever honestly this really helps the initial nerves! Spend some money on decent underwear (to make YOU feel confident) You may benefit from some lube - but maybe you wont need it...

No good comes from self hatred that much I do know. You’re sabotaging yourself, no need to be cruel about the body that has carried you around and kept you in decent health.

Sounds like a lovely relaxing massage might be a better bet than botox in terms of mindset and feeling calm!!

I was actually in a similar situation, similar age gap etc.

In the time I hadn't seen him, I'd let my hair go grey, I'd put on significant weight due to menopause and medication. My face had aged 10 years almost over night.

I'd say for a split second I wondered about making changes to look more like I used to, but then I realised that I was happy as I was and didn't want to. Also, the man in my scenario really wasn't worth it! Maybe yours is. But if he is worth it, then he's also worth meeting as your true self.

A tale as old as the hills, and once again demonstrates the perfect timing of life.

Younger man, uninfluenced by women's shit of 'how I ought to look' watches an older woman and fancies her.

Her hormones are giving her 'one last try at getting pregnant' and he is thinking, 'I like her, she is sexy.'

Only thing that bothers me though is how you are talking about yourself...all that negative language! Do not turn him off by being all 'I'm shy, don't look at me, please tell me I'm hot!'

I got the sex hormones in peri, and they haven't gone away. Go and have fun!

You’re not pathetic at all. He has awoken a side of you - namely, feeling desired - that has been dormant for so long. So it’s natural to have a ‘OH, SHIT!’ reaction as well as feeling flattered.
Do whatever you have to, to make yourself feel confident and good. You owe it to YOURSELF to rock up at your best. Nails, hair, Botox, whatever. None of it makes you a fool. But DO meet up with him, as you just never know where it could lead.
And stop all the negative self-talk!
Best of luck.

You should meet him @Didion

If having Botox, alongside the other tweaks you mentioned, will make you feel better, do it.

Good luck!